Soulmate

Diwali in Mumbai..

2011-11-05T17:28:00.000+05:30

I am always excited about Diwali. I love to clean, decorate and enjoy the general atmosphere surrounding the festival. It also marks the onset of winter season which is my favourite. I had cleaned up the whole house, washed all the curtains, extensive dusting, mopping was done. and I was all ready to celebrate it alone in the house with the little puja and some good food that I had planned to prepare but destiny had some other plan for me. Few days before Diwali, my close Aunt who stays in Mumbai called me and invited me over.

I was reluctant to go in the beginning but then I decided to go. It was better than being alone. With much argument and fight with my boss, I finally managed to land in Mumbai on the Diwali day. Mumbai is like my second home. I am pampered, made to eat, sleep and relax. There is nothing more than that, that I do in Mumbai. So all I did in Mumbai during those 5 days was eat, dress up, sleep, relax, shop and get spoilt. After a long time I wore a saree on a festival. During the day, we decorated the house with flowers, rangoli. Then it was time to deck up and leave for the puja which was in the office. Did a grand puja and came back home to eat a sumptuous meal with cousins and a lovely couple, who are old family friends. Then we all chatted till late night on Diwali, while watching the fireworks from the balcony facing the Arabian Sea. Its grand how the sky looks so beautiful on Diwali right above the sea.

The best part was to spend time with my cousin who is of my age. We never get tired of talking. We can talk for the whole night yet our talks will never end. I had some of the best food in Mumbai. Even went to eat Bhelpuri from my favourite place which is just outside Mahalaxmi temple. I had loads of brownies, ice-cream, apple crumble, pear pie and other sweets. There is no end to eating when I go to Mumbai. The 5 days were like a dream which went by so soon and it was time for me to return. But then I had a good time off from my extremely busy schedule. Gave me the much needed break.

Here I am

2011-10-18T11:32:00.000+05:30

updating this space finally, after a gap of good 2 months... Life has been on a real roller coaster ride ever since I got into my new job. The amount of travel that I do everyday to earn my bread, butter, cheese, jam, cake etc is not a joke. The day normally starts at 5:30 in the morning. I have to leave the house by 7:30 to catch the 7:50 office bus. The whole day in office just goes by without getting a chance to even blink my eyes. Sometimes there is an urgency to go to the washroom but we cant leave our desks. But then I am not complaining. The work keeps me very very busy throughout the day. I dont have time to think about anything.

The good part is that I am working for one of the biggest bank in the world, i.e. the bank is our client. We just take a 20 minutes break to quickly have our lunch. Then its back to work. I leave the office around 6:15.. Never before 7:45 pm do I come back. Sometimes its even later, depending on the traffic in the city.. So one can imagine my condition by the time I come back home. I am half dead. I cant think anything at that time. I am too tired to even eat. I just need to go to sleep.

But still I am happy with where I am. I am still learning. I am working on a new domain altogether which is interesting. I am doing the hands-on which will help in the long run. The team members are co-operative and helpful. I find them quite responsible enough. But like they say, even roses have thorns. Here the thorn is the manager, who is the worst of the lot I have ever come across in my career. He has no manners, no professionalism. He doesnt know how to talk to his associates and what to talk. The whole team hates him. I hope to improve the situation once the team comes under me.

There are times when I have to work on the weekend as well.. Come November and the real shift timings will start. Night shifts are also coming up which I am so so scared of. I know my health doesnt permit me to do it but I have to do it and that also three weeks in a row...

Anyway, the good part is that so far the job looks fine to me. Atleast the financial part is taken care of. I have become quite dingy in whatever I spend on. God has His own ways to take care of things. Sometime back when I blogged about all the old items in my house, finally my fridge breathed its last. I had no other option but to buy another one. So a part of the first salary went in buying a new fridge. In another news, I have replaced the guitar as well since my teacher felt that nylon strings guitar was not for me. I got a acoustic guitar now and I am learning pretty well. I am amazed at myself how I have picked up in the last 1-1/2 months time. Now I know atleast 2 songs and I am proud to say that. :-)

A lot more needs to be written which I shall do in the coming days, hopefully.... Taking it easy till then..

The smile is back....

2011-08-23T22:06:00.000+05:30

finally and its a big one... After days/weeks of anxiety, nervousness, double thoughts, I have finally found a new job.. and its in the same city.. I had gone through thousands of unpleasant thoughts in the days gone by.. I had no confidence in myself, but thanks to my Mom, friends, well wishers who had more faith in me than I had in myself... I was applying in each and every possible company.. Gave 2-3 interviews.. But I knew where its going to click. The moment my interview was over, I knew I had closed the deal.. It was mine.. It was a client interview directly from Singapore on our Independence Day.. With the bad throat, running nose, I went ahead with the call and within 15 minutes I knew the final answer... Today I got the offer letter and its a pretty good one...

I could not thank God and my friend enough who helped me in referring to this company... Hope everything goes well from now on.. Thank you God.. You stood by me.. :-))

I am axed

2011-08-02T19:27:00.000+05:30

finally.... Its difficult for me to accept it.. Tears dont stop rolling down.. My voice is choked.. I have lost all my confidence.. There is no back up plan.. I am in the midst of nowhere..
God, please please please help me... Now only You can do something for me...

I am sad...

2011-07-25T22:17:00.000+05:30

because I am in a very very bad situation at work... Things are just not working out at all.. The talks are not being fruitful.. I have to find a project soon... Every day is making me more and more depressed...

Please help me God... I need YOU...

A day without a phone..

2011-07-22T12:13:00.000+05:30

Few days back I forgot my phone at home. I had kept it on charging. Since I was in a hurry to leave for the office, I forgot to carry it. The moment I stepped out of the lift, I realized that I have left the phone at home. I thought, let it be. I wanted to see what happens on a day when I dont carry my phone.

On a normal day I dont get any calls at all, barring one or two either from my Mom or someone from office, if at all. Infact now I think why do I keep a phone. I get jokes from a couple of friends mostly. Otherwise nobody calls me. I also dont call anyone. I dont carry a hi-tech phone with the touch screen, QWERTY keypad and a host of other features, which I cant understand for the life of me. I dont surf internet on the phone, nor do I feel the need to be logged in, all the time to keep in touch with the whole world.

So as expected, I thought it would be a normal day for me. And frankly speaking, I did not get any of the restless feeling that I dont have the phone with me, what if someone calls me, what if there is an important call.. Nah!! Nothing like that.. Does it sound strange to you? Even though I am currently looking for a new job, still I did not feel the need of not having a phone by my side, all the time. I knew that if there is something really urgent, there are other ways to catch me. I mean there were days 10 years back, when everyone did not have the cell phone and still our lives carried on smoothly. I fail to understand to be connected with everyone all the time. Or atleast be available to everyone, whenever they want us.. I would rather not carry the phone, than get irritated by unwanted calls.

So far so good.. The day went perfectly fine.. But hell broke lose when I reached home. When I took the phone off the charger, I realized there were around 15 missed calls!! Wow.. Thats quite a lot. I wondered, who was trying to call me frantically. Guess who it was.. My Mom!!! And a couple of calls from other numbers.. I immediately asked her what had happened. Very sweetly she says, she called me just like that. But when I did not answer her 2 calls, she got worried and thats why she kept trying my number the whole day.. She did not know that I forgot my phone at home, so she was worried. Moms... I told her not to get worried so easily. Its possible that if I am stuck somewhere in office, even if I carry my phone, I will not be able to answer. Infact she knows that I dont pick up the phone, when I am in a meeting. But then she says: 'You always message me, if you are busy'.. Oh yeah, I do.. So the point is, I have to carry the phone whether I like it or not.. Atleast Mom will be at peace..

Yet again...

2011-07-18T21:06:00.002+05:30

my moment of glory...

Mumbai...

2011-07-15T13:54:00.001+05:30

has been attacked yet again.. and I am speechless again.. Enough has been said by various people across the world, but nothing comes close to what the person, who went through it, feels about it. A common Mumbaikar, who leaves for his work and thinks whether he will come back home safely in the evening. Nothing can assure that. Our lives have become so cheap, that it does not matter to our government if a few hundreds are injured or die in such an attack. All that they have to offer is their hollow sympathy.

Do they have the courage to travel in a local train/bus without any fear. If the elite people are targetted, just like what happened in 2008, the security would be pepped up. I am not saying that the elite crowd should be targetted. My question is, what is our government doing about it? why do we pay taxes? We are fined for crossing the signal when the lights turned orange mid-way.. Because we failed to judge the timing of the signal. But who will fine these politicians who fail every time to protect our country..

What if one of the minister's son was on a visit to Zaveri Bazar? Will they talk about the spirit of Mumbai or will they turn tables upside down to find the culprit. Damn the spirit of Mumbai!! Its not the spirit, its their helplessness. Because we do not have a choice of simply sitting at home and expect a meal on our tables at the end of the day. I have to travel 30 kms one way everyday to the suburbs in the local/bus or on foot to earn my daily bread. In anycase, I do dodge the road accidents, nature's fury to reach my work place.. But I need to learn to tackle bomb blasts as well. I have to become used to it. Yesterday it was someone else, today its you, tomorrow it will be me. I cannot escape it every time. Everytime I travel from Pune to Mumbai, I have to wait outside the Dadar station for 5 minutes, to allow the driver to get the car. Now I should be prepared that there could be a bomb waiting to explode and I will not be allowed to leave the station despite heavy rains and other chaos.. Isnt it..

Where are the Rajs, Sonias, Manmohans, Chavans and other such like, when we are hit. Do I just make peace with the fact that none of my friends/relatives were affected?? Am I supposed to react only when
someone known to me is injured?? How can we remain calm when we (dont) know what lies ahead of us? Should I stop going out on weekends for a movie/lunch/dinner or a simple walk!!! Yes, I am agitated, furious, outraged at the callous attitude shown towards such incidents in our country. I have always loved India for more reasons than one and have never wanted to leave this place. Now I think that if we do not even have the basic safety, then what am I supposed to do.

The media - electronic/print, the lesser said about them is better... The blow it out of the proportion just to increase their ratings. They have forgotten the real meaning of journalism. For them its just another 'Breaking news/byte'. Instead of being the voice of the common man, they have a different path to follow. Sometimes I wonder whether they are present to represent us, our views, take our messages forward, act as a communicator between us and the government or simply remain unaffected by dishing out the sympathy(?) messages from the ministers..

Currently the sky is covered with grey clouds only in the monsoons, but our lives are perpetually covered with grey clouds with no hope for any silver lining.. I think I am asking for too much if I demand my basic safety.. Thank you for making me feel so unsafe. Now I know, that next time it will be me, with someone else writing about it..

On the work front...

2011-07-14T21:06:00.001+05:30

It seems the prayers are slowly being answered... Something is working out for me.. There is a new project coming up. My name is considered for it. I am meeting up all the managers. Giving them assurances that I am ready to take it up, even though its a completely new domain for me. The timings will again be a little odd since they want us to work in the UK hours. As long as I get my good night's sleep, I am ok with it. I understand there is going to be a lot of stress. Its an application maintenance service after all. The boring life that I was leading till now, hopefully, will come to an end. Meetings, deadlines, pressure, client calls, team tantrums all will return, but I am ready to take it on. After all, this is my bread and butter. I am getting rusted doing nothing. Its crazy to come to office on time, sit idle the whole day, thinking what to do, read.. How much of work related stuff can you read, specially when you dont know where will you land up..

I shall try my best to stick on to it for a long time now. Dont want to end up in a pool yet again. I also hope that the project stays on, otherwise I will have to move on. I am seriously contemplating that option as well. I am known to stick to a place since I dont believe in moving around frequently. Makes me uncomfortable, big time.. I give enough time before I decide to move on. So here I am, hoping, praying and wishing that this project works out for me...

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Unwritten

2011-07-08T20:17:00.002+05:30

Given that I am facing a lot of problems in my job, the anxiety that comes with it, plus no vacation and lot of stress, a friend of mine asked me to listen to this song.. Feels just right at the moment for me...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

- Natasha Bedingfield

Mixed Feelings

2011-06-26T10:57:00.002+05:30

I met a friend on Friday evening, for the first time. While it was really nice to meet, I felt bad that though I was present physically, but not mentally. I dont know if the friend noticed this.. But I do owe an apology for the same.. :-(

At the same time, there was a problem which was bothering me for the past many many days. An unknown rift with a very close friend. Somehow its solved today, to an extent.. It has made me feel better. I cant thank God enough for it.

Sleeplessness(again)!!!

2011-06-22T20:39:00.001+05:30

I am in this phase of being sleep deprived.. The past few days have been taxing on me; personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally.. I hit the bed between 10-10:30 pm, to have full 8 hours of rested sleep.. But then its not the quality sleep that I get..

I wake up in the middle of the night, startled.. Then I keep thinking, what was it that I dreamt about. Is it the worry that is constantly on my mind, which is keeping me away from a sound sleep? Do I worry too much about everything? Yesterday, a friend remarked : 'Why am I being too harsh on myself?' I dont know. I think a lot. Is that what makes me insane at times?

My eyes have swollen up. I am not able to eat properly. I would say that I am not able to digest anything. One meal and I am done for the rest of the day. Eating that one meal is a task for me. One moment I will be hungry.. Once I have eaten, I feel like throwing up. I lie awake in the bed for a long long time.. I wake up a number of times in the night. Then I will keep thinking. When I am just about ready to doze off, it will be time to get out of the bed.

There are a lot of people around me, who have noticed my swollen eyes and have commented as well. But I have no answer. I generally dont get this problem, but when I do, its hard to go. I want to sleep, but I cant. The moment I lie down, sleep vanishes. I am already feeling low. I dont want to fall sick. I want my sleep back. I want my peace back..

A small time recognition..

2011-06-21T20:12:00.004+05:30

...for the post I wrote on 'Mumbai Rains' just a couple of posts back..

Pooling in..

2011-06-17T19:47:00.002+05:30

Right now, I am in the worst of situations I have ever come across. All this while, when I have had different problems to deal with, here comes the biggest of all - The job insecurity. In the past one year, I have spent more time being in the pool of the company than on a project, which is a worse case in a software industry. This is the third month running in a row where I am on a pool with no hope of getting a project..

I may be doing some random errands for the business unit but that is not counted as billable by any means. I am hit financially, emotionally, mentally, professionally.. Its a big set back for my career. I cant concentrate on anything. All the time I think about my job, which is a necessity for me currently. I cant take the chances of not having a job and sit idle at home. I am not sure what the organization has thought about me, but I am getting warning signals from inside.

So many times I think if I made a mistake by coming here or buying a house. I just dont know what to do now. I am trying all the means that I could see. Have met numerous people, spoken to them, given my CV, but nothing seems to be working out. The tension is clearly visible on my face. I dont feel like talking to anyone. All the while, I pray to God to help me get out of this messy situation.

There is no back up plan. There is no one to fall back on, incase something goes wrong. I am very depressed right now, almost on the verge of giving up. Last night was worse.. I ended up being in tears for a long long time. I really cant see any way out of this situation. I am losing hope day by day, but still meeting people whosoever comes my way. I dont know what is lying next for me, but right now, this is the worse situation that I have come across.. Some magic has to happen to solve the present situation.. I need everyone's blessings.. Pray for me..

Mumbai Rains...

2011-06-16T19:24:00.012+05:30

Haji Ali

I went to Mumbai for a couple of days. Gave me the much needed break plus it was good to spend time with the people whom I love.. I got to witness the Mumbai rains after a long long time.. The rain Gods were in full fury as the grey skies had opened up, leashing out incessant rains, soaking each and every inch of Mumbai to the core. I even joked, it looks as if all the Gods above have decided to take their annual shower together in full force... :-)

One full day it rained non-stop, very very heavily. It scared me as well. The sea looked angry, rough and black. I saw the waves crashing along the walls of the compound, as if they are out to take revenge. Everything was washed.. The trees were absolutely green.. Gentle breeze.. I started imagining that there are floods everywhere, roads are blocked, tracks flooded, trains cancelled and I am stuck in Mumbai.. But its just the onset of monsoons.. All the bright umbrellas, raincoats, gum boots, all sorts of rain gear was out.. The feeling of dampness is present in every nook and corner.. Suddenly you feel the urge of a bright sunshine.

It was the perfect weather for having super hot bhajiyas, bread pakoras with some green chutney, a hot brownie with some chocolate sauce and vanilla ice-cream and some hot coffee/tea, if you like.. Personally speaking, I simply sat by the window, soaking in the rain, watching Haji Ali getting almost drowned in the black waters of Arabian Sea, reading a book. If not this, then I would stand by the other window and watch the traffic snarling up and down the Peddar Road. I wondered how people managed to get out in this really really wet weather, brave the rains and go to work. For all that I had to do there was sleep, eat, read, relax, talk, watch movies or shop if I wanted to..

Its nice to be in Mumbai during this time, if you are a real sucker for monsoons.. I like the rains only when I don’t have to go out. Don’t like the idea of getting wet, though while driving to the station, I did feel like getting out on Marine Drive and taking a walk, dressed up in my capris, flip flops and a camera.. May be some other time, if I happen to make a trip again during this season.

Do you talk to yourself?

2011-06-09T21:37:00.000+05:30

I have this habit of talking to myself. Most of the times when I am on my own, I will be talking. Infact I have noticed that even if someone is with me, I may keep murmuring something or the other about whatever work I am doing or whatever I am thinking.

I remember many years back, while I was writing an exam, I was talking to myself. I was saying what I was writing, but not loud enough to be heard by anyone. One of my teacher could see my lip movement. She thought that I am telling some answer to my fellow student behind me. When she came near my desk, she realized that I am speaking in such low tone, that even she could not hear. She told me that I should not speak while writing. Thats when I realized that I was talking to myself.

Even now when I am thinking, may be while shopping or while trying to make a decision, I would be talking to myself. Infact I am talking while I am writing this post. I guess it does sounds weird, but thats how I am. May be it helps me to release the thoughts that I want to say but would not normally say. Like today morning, when I saw the weather outside, I said to myself: 'You should have washed all the clothes yesterday. How will they dry up in the evening today. Its going to rain heavily. '

The worst case is with the maid. When she and I are together in the kitchen, as usual I would murmur to myself about any pending work or remind myself about something, she would think that I am talking to her. She keeps asking: 'What did you say? ' Most of the times I say things, not to make anyone hear, but because I have this habit..

I am sure it sounds insane to many of you. Does it really?

Parents and Old Age

2011-06-03T19:54:00.000+05:30

My Mom turned 60 yesterday. While I missed being with her on her birthday, my only wish for her was good health and peace. I know how much she has been struggling with her health for the last so many years. I remember a few days ago, I found a passport size photograph of hers taken almost 7-8 years. When I compared it with the recent one, I almost had tears in my eyes. Her face has pulled down, cheeks gone, eyebrows disappeared, eyes shrunken.. One could easily say that she has become weak.

Her energy level has reduced tremendously. She gets breathless very soon. She needs rest after every few hours. Her gait has slowed down. She cant take a full day’s outing with that much ease. She needs her own time to get ready. Still the amount of work that she can do is much more than I can ever think of doing. Even at this age, she is enthusiastic about cleaning the house, cooking good food, calling people over, making achaars, chutneys etc.

No matter how much we will try to discourage her from doing so much work, she’ll get into it. The result of the situation is a Mahabharat in the house. Now that her hand has an acute pain, the doctor has advised her rest. She is not allowed to do any kind of heavy work which includes cooking as well. While I can easily deal with the situation where she is not cooking, I feel bad at her state of feeling helpless. Sometimes I wish I could do something to change her state.

We know that one day all of us will grow old, but seeing our parents growing old, weak is tough to accept. For us, they are our support system. I have seen my Nanaji growing older, weaker day by day. But when I see my Mom getting old, its so hard for me to accept. May be because of her health issues. I want to give her a comfortable life where she will not have to worry about anything in the house. She’ll just lead a carefree, peaceful life. I want her to get well. I understand that her energy level will not be the same again but atleast she’ll be better health wise.

I and my Kinetic

2011-06-02T21:16:00.002+05:30

I did not have any vehicle when I was school. I did get a bicycle but that was not until Class X, which carried on till my Post Graduation.. I always had an eye for Kinetic. I was madly in love with the vehicle. For me, it’s the smartest scooter around.

So when I started working, the first thing that I wanted to buy was a Kinetic.. Now I have a nine years old Kinetic. I bought it a year after I started working, saving every month from the measly salary that I got.. So one can imagine, its my prized possession. And I made the full payment in one go. There was no loan taken. I got the accessories fitted, helmet bought, and it was ready to go around the world. I am so possessive about it, that I would not let any one drive it apart from my brother, but not before he got thousand instructions from me, as to how to handle it.. Thats another story that he was the one who brought it home from the dealer, and taught me all its features.. Infact he was the one who sat with me when I went for my first ride..

Till today, I have not found any other scooter which would match its standard. The wide, long seats, big leg room, the look is all very classy. A couple of years back, Kinetic has stopped the production of this scooter. It still did not hurt me, since I had my scooter. But now when I am in Pune and ride my scooter, again, everyday for commuting to office, I realize that its life span has almost come to an end. It was sparingly used during my stint in NCR though. But nothing is eternal on this planet. The scooter is more than nine years old now. Though it has done the mileage of only 17000 kms till now, is in perfect condition, still it gives a problem sometimes.

Now I was thinking of getting the scooter replaced, much to my disappointment. So the search started. Nothing came in even close to, what Kinetic is. Either the seats are not long enough, or they are very narrow, or there is not enough leg room, or the look or the availability, something or the other is wrong.. May be because I am looking for an exact replica, which is difficult to find. Now I have almost given up the idea of getting my Kinetic exchanged. It may create even more problems later, since its production has stopped, non-availability of spare parts, problems in finding a buyer, but I am ready to take it on. I love it way too much, to part with it simply.

Of tall glasses of Cold Coffee....

2011-05-18T21:20:00.002+05:30

Sometime back I wrote about how much I love milk.. I still do.. But given the fact that my digestion has become weak or some buri nazar by someone, I cant have milk everyday now... Though I love milk in its white form only, the only other thing that I can have is coffee and that also if its cold.. Give me a glass of good cold coffee in the morning, and I can happily pass off the whole morning without eating anything else...

So when I had cold coffee last weekend after a long long time, you can imagine the smile on my face.. I love cold coffee to bits. But it has to be made my way... There should be no cream in the milk - the biggest pre-requisite for me to have milk in the first place, otherwise I wont even touch it. I absolutely abhor cream.. Secondly the milk has to be totally chilled. The colder the better.. There are times when I have actually put crushed ice in my cold coffee.. Infact cold coffee tastes better if you put some crushed ice in it, before churning it in the mixer.I dont want those ice cubes floating in the coffee. Dont like it. Even the amount of coffee and sugar needs to be right.. I dont like extremely bitter or sweet coffee, though I love dark chocolates and I have a sweet tooth at the same time.. Quite a contrast I am..
The coffee powder should be somewhere around 1/2 teaspoon.. A spoonful of sugar.. Some crushed ice, though not always... Give it 3-4 churns in the mixer.. Please make sure that the sugar dissolves in the milk.. I dont like sugar settled at the bottom of the glass.. My big tall glass of absolutely delicious, drool worthy cold coffee with a big lather on the top is ready to be gobbled down... Take a sip.. Its heaven... Aah!!

When I go to some coffee shop, again its always cold coffee for me.. and I am quite fixed in what I want.. Though I have tried almost everything available on the menu of Cafe Coffee Day, Barista, Costa Coffee, my favourite remains which comes to a normal cold coffee i.e. Iced Eskimo or a Barrista..

and yeah.. I love to lick my lips after having cold coffee.. The same way the kids do it or they show it in the ads.. :-)

Image courtesy : Google.

I dunno why but I feel good...

2011-05-15T15:20:00.003+05:30

Yeah yeah... what a 180 degrees transformation from my previous post.. Today when I woke up, I was generally happy.. It was a bright Sunday morning with cool breeze blowing, birds chirping, freshness in the air, my favourite songs playing on the radio station.. May be thats what made me happy... I had a good night sleep yesterday after a long long time.. When I woke up, there was no tiredness.. Infact I was so very energetic.. I went for a long morning walk after a long long time, which made me feel so good... :-) I even met my neighbour's dog whom I simply love.. He is an absolutely adorable and lovable Labrador.. and I know that he also likes to play with me...

Everything was done on time.. The maid came on time, house cleaned, kitchen done, laundry done, lunch cooked.. Suddenly I had so much time on my hand.. Everything looked so bright and cheerful... I was hopping around the whole house generally singing and dancing and feeling good... I dont know what was it all about and why.. I dont even want to know..

I even had my favourite cold coffee after a very long time.. Thankfully, my stomach did not misbehave today.. I saw the pretty flaming gulmohurs.. A few clouds floating like soft cotton balls in the sky.. Its as if love is in the air.. May be it is.. Everything just seemed perfect today, for a change.. :-)

Hurricanes and Tornadoes....

2011-05-14T08:49:00.000+05:30

Currently I am dealing with all sorts of hurricanes and tornadoes. You cant see them physically nor it is reported by any news paper. Its happening inside me and promises to destroy me. I am fighting hard against it. I want to emerge as a survivor but its getting difficult day by day. My energy level is going down minute by minute. The grip is loosening up.

I have not been able to sleep properly. For four days in a row, I could not sleep. I wanted to sleep, but sleep was far eluding my eyes. My body is extremely tired. I am exhausted, stressed. I am so restless that all I need is some rest. I dont feel like cooking, getting up, eating or doing anything for that matter. Everyday I get up in an irritated mood. For the past so many days, I have not practised my guitar, which is my passion. I have not even gone to the class. I dont like anything around me. I am not sure what is wrong or where I am headed to. I dont know if it is due to all the problems that I am bogged down with. But then all of us have our own set of problems, isnt it. Then why am I complaining so often, you may ask. I have no answer.

I am also at a situation, where other people's problems have started affecting me. It seems I am handling too many problems of too many people right now. Everyone seems to be coming to me with their set of issues. Its taking a toll on me now. I cant handle so much. Its breaking me. Its getting worse since I dont speak to anyone about how I feel. Rather I dont know or have anyone to talk to. I have also realised that loneliness is also playing its part in pulling me down. I have not taken a break for more than a year which could also be one of the reason.

Sometimes I feel that did I make a mistake by coming to Pune. I cant leave this place. I dont have anywhere to go to. Given a choice, I want to QUIT right now, run back to Dehra Dun and never ever come back again. I dont know what will I do in Doon but I am very sure that my heart will be at peace. I still feel like a stranger here. I am still scared. Every day without fail, there is a voice I hear which keeps telling me : go back to Dehra Dun. I am in a catch 22 situation. No matter what, I cant leave this place right now. I have a financial responsibility on my head which I have to take care of. So many times I feel did I make a mistake in buying a house.

I have been working non-stop for the past 11 years almost. There have been multiple ups and downs. This is not the first time that I am feeling low, but for the past few days, what is happening is indescribable. The insecurity surrounding me is way too over whelming. I am just surviving. I dont even know what am I doing or why am I doing. Do I sound insane? May be I have lost it completely. May be I am over reacting, but its pathetic.

Budget goes haywire...

2011-05-09T20:34:00.001+05:30

Just a few posts back, I wrote about how and why I have to save. The budget is planned for the house and I have to stick to it, if I want to take care of other financial responsibilities as quickly as possible. While I do manage to stick somewhere close to it, every month now, with a variation of 10-15% here and there, now the true colors are coming out.

When we shifted to our new house, I did not buy anything new. Absolutely nothing. Same old furniture, house hold appliances, curtains, decorations, you name it and it was old. The two new things that our house has, courtesy my relatives are : A washing machine, which I never had before.. Also considering the fact that I was getting too tired of washing all the clothes on a weekend, which comprised of a big laundry of the weeklong clothes, plus bedsheets, towels, bedcovers, linen, jeans and all, it had almost become a necessity for us to have one, but I was procrastinating since I had no money at all to afford one.. So the washing machine came as a house warming gift from one of my relative... As usual, I just hung the old curtains in the house which were more than 10 years old.. So another relative of mine, who simply loves decorating the house, insisted that I should get atleast new curtains, if not the matching bedcovers and bedsheets. While I chose the material, design, print for the curtains, she funded them..
So far so good.. I still dont have a sofa set for my living room and I am completely ok with it. I have lived with the cane chairs for the past 10 years and will continue with them for few more years to come. Now comes the dining table. The dining table doesnt have the chairs which go with it. They were some random chairs picked up by Mom when we were in Doon.. The dining table has its own story. Its more than 35 years old.. Its play has almost given away from the inside. The legs have become lose. The edges have worn away, but its usable. Now come the other things. Our refrigerator is more than 13-14 years old. TV is more than 12 years old. The music system is more than 11 years old. The press is 10 years old. My kinetic and car are more than 9 years old. We all know that all these things have a certain amount of life. Nothing is eternal. So while I had made a budget to keep my expenses at bay, other problems have started cropping up.

First the TV went off. One fine day, it refused to switch on. I called up the service centre. The guy who came, couldnt repair it. He said that some part has gone off, plus this model is no more in the market, so its difficult. But there was one ray of hope. He asked me to take it to one of the shop. Incase they are able to repair it, fine.. Otherwise the TV needs to be given away. I had no heart or money to buy a new TV. I tried my luck and luckily, the man at shop was able to repair it after almost 15 days but with no guarantee or warranty. He said clearly if this part goes off again, then the time to dispose off TV finally will be here. As it is its an old one. The old one will not fetch more than 1000-1200 Rs while the new one cost as much as I want to spend. One problem solved for the time being.

Now it was time for the refrigerator to start acting up. For the past few days I noticed whenever I keep something in the fridge, it turns stale, smelly and rottens up in just couple of days of time. Strange it was. Plus there was hardly any ice formation in the freezer. Again I called up the service centre. The man who came, showed me that there is a problem with the coil. The compressor needs to changed, plus the pipe and gas needs to be re-filled. All this would cost around 5000 Rs. I also asked him if I sell this fridge, how much will it fetch me. He said that it wont get more than 1200-1500 Rs. I dumped the idea of spending 5000 Rs on such an old fridge.. The new fridge will cost me around 16.5K but again I dont have that much money to spend on the new fridge. :-(

I am not even getting into the story of other appliances which have started giving me a problem - press, toaster, mixie plus my vehicles. I have no clue what to do. I can happily live without a TV but I need the fridge. It seems that there is no point in making the budget. The more I try to save, the more I end up spending. The whole universe around me is planning to go against my plans of saving to finish up the home loan quickly. Now again either I get a new job with a higher moolah raked in or live with these problems. I am so very fed up these days with all the problems over my head. I desperately need a break or a solution.. God!! Please help...

I saved someone's life today....

2011-04-29T21:36:00.002+05:30

Not practically but in some way... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I donated blood today.. I have done that quite a number of times in the past so I look forward to it.. I am extremely scared of needles, injections, blood, the whole atmosphere.. Still I put up a brave face and go.. I just turn my head away when they prick. I dont look at the blood pouch or any such thing.. The best thing is the story that follows every time. Given that my size is fairly on the smaller side, people find it hard to believe that I can donate blood as well.. It has nothing to do with my good health that I have otherwise.

First time when I went to donate blood, our business head was standing in front of me. He was known for his jovial, cheerful and on the spot one line statement... He knew me well.. The first line that came out of him for me was: 'Has she come to donate blood or get some. I hope she doesnt fall after donating.' As luck would have it, just 10 days after donating the blood, I was down with severe chicken pox and very high fever for more than three weeks.

Last time when I went to donate the blood it was around afternoon.. As a process my haemoglobin test was done. It was positive. The doctor's remark :'You are the first girl whose haemoglobin is positive. We have rejected all the girls since morning.' My reaction, with a big smile on my face: 'Dont go by my size. I eat well'.. After that most of the girls who came, their results were positive. He referred me as their lucky mascot. Once the donation was over, they made me sit for a few minutes though I did not eat anything that was offered. The moment I got up, the doctor noticed that through the small handyplast that was stuck on my hand, blood was flowing and dripping profusely on the floor.. Some adventure had to be there. He was horrified, gave me some more cotton and made me sit for next few minutes. When I was leaving, he warned me to come and see him immediately if blood comes out again.

Today when I went in the morning, there were many girls in the waiting. As luck would have it, most of them were being rejected because of low haemoglobin. But I like a lucky girl, passed the test, much to he amusement of many people around me.. The common story that happens every time is to find my vein. My hand is quite transparent in terms of veins. You can actually count the veins that run right up to the shoulder. I know it
sounds weird. But when it comes to finding the correct vein to pierce the needle in, none of the doctors seem to find it. They always struggle. They move from one hand to the other, in the hope to find it. Today the doctor asked me :'Do you remember from which hand you donated the blood last time?' Ofcourse I did not. Somehow they managed to find it. Finally!!! So I donated the blood again today and came back all glee and happy.

I am on a budget..

2011-04-28T21:02:00.000+05:30

Budget is what I have heard since childhood. I used to hear from everyone around and wonder, even if people had money, why wouldnt they spend it. After all money is meant to be spent. Once I grew up I understood, why wouldnt anyone spent all the money that they had. When I started working, I was so happy that I had all the money to myself to spend and in whichever way I want to. I was not answerable to anyone. But hold on, my Mom told me to keep a curb on the expenses. She would always advise how much I should spend and how much I should save for the rainy day. I never used to understand the rationale behind it but still I would listen.

So while I saved for the holidays, there was always a small amount which would go as saving - not meant to be spent at all. The money would get accumulated and invested. This would result in some bit of saving as well as my share of having fun, which I had always wanted. This continued for a good period of 10 years. Now after that when I finally decided to buy a house, came the big blow.. All the money that I had accumulated as part of my savings were gone in one shot. Plus like everyone, I had to take a home loan. I wanted to reduce the home loan as much as possible. So I used up all my money invested in all the possible places. Even I have withdrawn all my PF amount which normally people save for their old age. Not that this has resulted in my home loan being a small amount, but yeah whatever contribution my savings could make, I did that..

Now the result is I have absolutely no money as part of savings.. :-).. All that I have is my salary coming in every month, part of which happily goes in my home loan. Now looking at the loan, which gives me nightmares, I want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. May be in another 4-5 years. This can again happen if I reduce my expenses. So now to get rid of my home loan quickly plus to pay for the EMI, a budget has been drafted. I dont use my card so happily, the way I used to. I have decided on a certain amount that should be spent every month. The money is withdrawn in the beginning of the month. All the bills, shopping would be done with that much money ONLY. No use of card, unless it is absolutely necessary.

I have to keep a check on my shopping for shoes and tops, which I love to buy. There is a check on the number of times I eat out, the places where I go to eat.. Also the number of movies that I watch in the theatre.. I also check whether a particular vegetable/fruit is worth the price that I am paying for.. Not that I didnt do it
before, but now I am more vigilant.. I dont even know when will I be able to take my next holiday.. All this means, that now I am surviving on a budget..

My Crowning Glory..

2011-04-19T21:22:00.002+05:30

I love going for hair cut.. Since childhood I have longed for long hair but as gave in to Mom's wish since she wanted me to sport a smart hair cut.. Also she felt that if I had long hair, it would stunt my growth and I would not be tall enough(not that I am very tall even now)... Nevertheless, all this resulted that I loved hair cut sessions..

Ever since I have started working, I decide what kind of hair cut I want.. I have experimented with different styles, lengths.. Layers, Steps, Bob, Deep U, simple U, Deep U with Bangs, Flicks.... But one thing has remained constant.. My hair doesnt grow beyond a certain length i.e. upto mid waist.. After that it stops.. But still its long enough to style it in a way that I want to...

I have always been quite particular about it.. It makes a lot of difference to my personality the kind of hair cut that I sport.. Given that I have almost straight hair with good texture, makes me even more possessive about them.. I love my hair.. Too much of self love.. :-))

A few months back I went for my first hair cut ever since I shifted to Pune to a supposedly very well renowned Hair Dresser's salon of our nation... What a disaster it was.. That man just ran the scissors through my hair, without even thinking about the style, cut, length.. In the end, I was almost in tears.. I almost shouted at him.. I just tied my hair and walked off... Waited patiently for three months to grow my hair to a decent length before I could get a decent cut done again...

This time I went to a different place.. Told them about my previous nightmarish experience.. I asked them very clearly if they know and understand what kind of hair cut would suit me, only then I will allow them to touch my hair, otherwise Thank You Very Much...

The man was the owner himself this time.. He assured me.. I saw him giving a few hair cut to others and quite liked him.. He said that he would do it himself for me.. Eagerly I hopped on to the chair... In the end, he made me look like a Diva.. I am so much in love with my hair cut again.. Its a Deep U with a bit of layer and a few bangs on the sides... It gave me so much of confidence that you cant imagine.. They look bouncy, thicker and above all, they look so nice.. I feel like keeping my hair open even in these hot summers.. I can see those admiring glances all around me.. I just love them way too much right now.. Also it came at a time when I was feeling low.. So I have discovered - When you are feeling low, go for a nice hair cut.. Yay!!!

Drained out...

2011-04-15T18:30:00.001+05:30

Right now I am completely exhausted.. I have no energy, no enthusiasm, no excitement, basically nothing to look forward to.. Every morning I just get up, do the routine, get ready and leave for office half heartedly.. There is nothing good waiting for me when I come to office.. Its just another drag day for me.. I keep on reading the whole day.. Nothing concrete to work upon.. When I come back home in the evening, I am so exhausted and tired that I just want to fall into the bed and sleep, even if it means that I have to skip my dinner.. I have no interest in cooking.. Its becoming a huge task for me to cook every evening.. Blame it on the heat or my mood or people around me or the whole atmosphere in general..

Last week I did take a couple of days off to spend in Mumbai.. But once I came back, I was even more tired.. My mind keeps telling me that I need a break from this monotonous routine. I am coming to a point to realize that probably I am not doing what interests me.. At the same point I also know that I have continue to do this until I am relieved of the financial responsibility that I have... Till that time, I am stuck..

I have also realized that I am playing an agony aunt to a lot of people these days, which is also perhaps one of the reasons why I am not full of energy for myself. A lot of my friends are going through a lot in their personal lives.. I appreciate the fact that they share it with me, but at the end of it, it completely drains me out. They want to talk to me every second day.. I cant say No to any one of them. They all are my good friends.. Sometimes there are days when I dont want to chat with anyone, except for the one with whom I want to.. Still I cant ignore anyone's call or message. I know they are going through a bad phase in their lives.. They need a friend to be there only to listen..

In between all this, I end up eating wrong kind of food. I have gained weight due to this.. I have an ever lasting craving for sweets, which I find extremely hard to curb. I have to divert my attention to something else.. I have stopped buying chocolates otherwise I shall end up eating all of them together.. I need to go for regular morning walk, which I have not been able to. The only reason being, I am so sleepy every morning. I do go to sleep at a decent time.. But my dreams are not nice.. I dont remember them exactly but when I get up in the morning, I know that I dreamt something strange, rather weird.

There is a lot going on around me personally and professionally. I simply want to be out of this place for sometime. I have not taken a vacation more than one and a half years which could also be the reason for the current state. I need to spend sometime away from everyone in the lap of the nature... I want to cut off from this whole world for a bit.. I want to go back to Doon and spend some time there. I want to meet Mam.. I know I am coming back to this phase very often lately but I cant help it.. I am just so tired of everything and everyone around me.. I need a break or I will break...

We are the world.. We are the Champions...

2011-04-12T21:27:00.006+05:30

Yes, this post should have come almost a week ago, but better late than never.. So finally we are the world champions... The much awaited ICC World Cup is ours.. What a nail biting match it was.. Every moment is truly cherished and it shall be lived for a long long time to come.. We all remember how dejected we felt in 2007 world cup

Like all, even I was nervous, tensed and had butterflies in the stomach.. This time I watched the match right from the start... And here start means, when the toss was done. This time, it was done twice.. The first time match referee could not hear among the noise of the crowd, who said what... Sri Lanka won the toss and as obvious, elected to bat first. The team who batted first had generally won the world cup.. Knowing our team it was easier for us to bat first than to chase.. But still we kept our hopes alive..

Though Sri Lanka started on a low note, Mahela Jayawardene's superb ton made sure that Sri Lanka gave us a pretty decent target to chase - 275 runs in 50 overs is what we needed to win.. Indian fielding was at its best, thanks to Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina specifically. Our bowlers managed to restrict the opponents superbly in the first few overs..

Not even for a moment, I got up from my chair.. I just did not want to miss any moment which may have been the best moment of the match.. Every expression, every boundary, every wicket falling is clearly etched in my mind.. Then came India's batting. All the hopes high, we waited with bated breath and heart beating faster... Couple of balls and Sehwag was out.. The first blow.. But its ok.. We still have the rest of the team.. Gautam and Sachin played some good knocks before Tendulkar was caught at his personal score of 18.. So the Little Master had to go back without completing his 100th ton in the world cup.. India's score was 31/2 at that time. Extremely crucial stage.. In came Virat Kohli. He and Gambhir took charge of the situation by playing some very good cricket. The runs kept flowing. Personally I get tensed when Malinga bowls.. You just dont know where his ball lands.. But that day, even he also could not do anything. When Kohli was out, everyone was waiting for the golden man - Yuvraj to come over and take over...

There was a surprise waiting. Instead of Yuvraj, in came our skipper - MS Dhoni.. Dhoni had been in good form of batting all this while. So yes, there was a lot of anxiety... The cricket that Dhoni and Gambhir played was world class. Together they had put up a partnership of more than 100 runs.. It seemed as if Sri Lankans did not know what to do to stop the men in blue.. With every boundary, the cheer grew louder and the dance wilder..Gambhir got out at 97.. He deserved that century but!! In came Yuvraj and then there was no stopping.. Dhoni hit the final six with ten balls to spare.. He did it again.. All the hell broke lose.. The sky lit up.. People came out on the streets to celebrate.. I myself was simply dancing and shouting all around the house...

My neighbours must have thought that I have gone mad.. I cant forget the look on our cricketers.. Tears of joy, laughter, the amazing feeling, the way they hugged each other, the wave to the crowd - it was all euphoric.. Those moments have come after waiting for 28 long years and completely worth it.. On a side note, some people did think that we are wasting our time in watching a stupid game.. The time could have been productively used. The money spent is insane. I am nowhere involved in all this. For me, it was a game that I have enjoyed since childhood and still do.. Its an individual choice. You dont want to watch it, dont. But please dont crib about why others are watching and enjoying. We have won the world cup.. Thats the most important thing. It is meant to be enjoyed.. So enjoy it till it lasts.. WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS...

The clash of the titans...

2011-03-30T16:25:00.001+05:30

is happening today. India vs. Pakistan world cup cricket semi final is on at Mohali.. Like every other Indian, even I am nervous.. Infact I am more nervous than my Physics board exam.. This match is crucial for both the teams.. Such is the hype, that both the nations' Prime Ministers are going to be present at the venue to watch it live.. I am not getting into the discussion, the nuisance caused by this decision of getting the two Prime Ministers together.

So while we dont have any official holiday today, everyone has decided to come early and leave early to make sure that every moment of the match is watched. I am also leaving early from the office to watch the match. I shall be glued to the television to watch every ball and cheer for our team. The snacks, biscuits, fanta etc. is all stocked up. I am going to scream and cheer at every six/boundary being hit by Indian batsmen.. Considering the rumours that this is Sachin's last world cup, I hope that we win this game. Infact today's match is more than a game. Its no less than a war.

The world will come to a stand still when the match will be on. There is nothing more important than to watch this nail biting match. I have cheered in every match. and I am going to cheer again at my loudest best today. The adrenalin rushing, the excitement, the nervousness, the tension - its all worth it.. Pray that India wins this match.. Go for it, Men in Blue.. All the best!!!

Posts, Postman and Post Offices..

2011-03-11T16:32:00.002+05:30

Yesterday while going to the client ofice, I saw a postman, in his khakhi uniform, on his bicycle in the scorching sun, with a bundle of letters. It brought back the days in Doon when we used to wait eagerly for the postman to arrive with our letters. Except for Sunday and other gazetted holidays, every single day we got letters in our home.

It was so normal for us to see the postman everyday. Infact the day he did not come, we wondered what had happened. He was an old man inhis 50s, who had been coming to our house for many many years. Infact in all my years of stay in Doon, I saw the same person. He used to come on foot, with a khakhi bag and a few in his hand. All the letters were neatly arranged according to the addresses. He covered the entire area on foot. I was amazed by his memory and energy. Even if someone had written a wrong address, still he delivered the letter at the correct address. How could he remember everyone's name and address so distinctly. It was not a small area that he covered. I remember Mom always gave him sweets on Diwali and he was ever so thankful with a smiling face.

Its a change now. We dont write letters anymore. We dont send cards. We hardly use the post office. These have been replaced by emails, e-cards, phone calls, sms, courier service. The time has gone when we purchased cards, wrote letters, put stamps and post them. Then wait anxiously for the reply. Whenever I used to spot the postman on the road, I asked, if he had any letter for any of us.

I miss going to the post office, posting letters, cards and more importantly receiving replies. No matter what the season was - scorching heat, heavy rains or nail biting cold, the postman came and delivered the letters on time. I admired that old man, how he remembered every individual's name in our house. He knew all five of us by name. At times, we gave letters to him to post in the post office. Now the situation is, forget about the letters and postman, people have forgotten about a thing called Post Office. The collection of different stamps, spotting the postman, the smile that he brought with those letters is still unmatched. I love the feeling of those hand written letters, being pasted, stamped and then posted. How many journeys that letter does before it finally reaches our hands. I miss all of these..

Pathetic

2011-03-10T22:05:00.002+05:30

Right at this moment, I am in an extremely pathetic mood.. There are multiple reasons to it.. I guess I am too affected by the circumstances around me.. Dealing with my close friends' problems, my own professional problems, Mom's health problems and then problems in the home...
I need a break from all this.. I am tied up in chains.. I need a miracle.. I need solutions.. I need some peace.. I need rest.. I need some love.. I need assurance.. I cant be assuring every one else all the time, when I am the weakest from deep inside... Its so very stressful for me... I need that one comforting word, shoulder, hand which shall lift me up.. May be I need God!!!

Holds true for me..

2011-03-05T22:41:00.001+05:30

Read this on internet... Its so beautiful.. I feel so much connected with it...

Kitabo ke panne palat ke sochte hai,
Youn palat jae zindagi to kya baat hai
Tamanna jo puri ho khwabon mein,
Haqiqat ban jaye to kya baat hai
Kuch log matlab ke liye dhundte hai mujhe,
Bin matlab koi aaye to kya baat hai
Katal kar ke to sab le jayenge dil mera,
Koi baato se le jaaye to kya baat hai
Jo sharifo ki sharafat mein baat na ho,
Ek sharabi keh jaaye to kya baat hai
Zinda rehne tak to khushi dunga sabko,
Kisi ko meri maut pe
khushi mil jaye to kya baat hai

Confession

2011-03-04T12:12:00.001+05:30

You give me the wings to fly
You give me a reason to smile
You help me to let my sorrows go by
Walk with me for that extra mile....

When you want everything to end...

2011-02-25T19:48:00.001+05:30

Its one of those days(again!!!) when I want everything to end. I am slipping into such state of mind very often now. I find everything around me meaningless, hopeless and uninteresting.. I find fault all around me, within me and in the whole world. I want to scream at the top of my voice to let it all go.. I cant sleep, cant work, cant sit at one place, cant concentrate.. I am restless.. I need a break from everything and everyone around me.. I want to run away to a place where I dont need to do anything. I want to lie down, sit and watch and think and read... I am tired of running around.. Taking care of everything around me is taking its toll... I know I am not doing what I want to do.. But I dont have a choice right now. Infact sometimes I wonder what is it that I want to do.. I guess, may be, just play guitar the whole day.. Get on to it fast and start playing in a band.. Buy a SLR and go on photography trips.. Bag pack.. Explore the different parts of the country/world.. Pen down those experiences... Does it sound like a life long party.. May be then thats what I want.. But at the end of the day, I do want to come back home to my love... It seems as if I am running away from everyone or running after something that is/was never mine.. Am I trying to figure myself out in this crowd. I am lost in the daily rigmarole of life.. For the next few years, I have a big responsibility on my head which I have to take care of. There is a home loan that I need to re-pay.. I am waiting for it to get over soon. Who knows, after that I might just go back to Doon - the place where my heart and soul come to a rest, and settle permanently.. But currently speaking, I just dont want to do anything.. Yes, there are few things in my professional/personal life which are upsetting me in a BIG way. I am losing interest... I am exhausted, tired, weak...I am not outside, what I am inside.. It sucks!!!

Bryan Adams and Me

2011-02-11T20:42:00.003+05:30

Bryan Adams is rocking the city of Pune while I write this post. Only I know how much I wanted to attend this concert ever since I came to know about it in November.. But as luck would have it, I have missed it yet again!!! :-( My association with Bryan Adams goes back to school days.. He was the first singer whom I was introduced to when I started listening to English songs.. The first song is the obvious one: Everything I do and then Please Forgive Me... I had simply fallen in love with this singer without even seeing him.. I guess my love for guitar also comes from there..

As I grew up, I got more and more hooked to him and his songs.. In every party, me and a friend of mine sang at the top of our voice to his Summer of '69; ofcourse not to forget our dance... I still remember what the client Manager said when I was being released from my first project: 'I had no clue about Bryan Adams and his songs.. But thanks to this lady..Now I know all the songs of Bryan Adams as well as like him..' My playlist always began with his songs... His songs pull a string in my heart.. Who can not get turned on listening to 'Lets make a night' or 'Inside Out' or 'Have you ever really loved a woman' or 'When you love someone'... The list goes on and on and on...

I remember last time when he had come to India, how much I missed going to his concert.. and today again I have missed his show. Though this time I had decided to go for it, but I guess it was not meant for me... May be some other time when the time, space and fate will permit...

My love..

2011-02-04T15:06:00.000+05:30

for armed forces is no secret from anyone. Infact all those who know me, personally or through this blog know very well how touchy and emotional I am about armed forces. I personally believe that people in armed forces are cut above the rest. They stand on a pedestal higher than the rest of the world. I am not trying to put down anyone's profession or work but yes, what armed forces do for us is we should be thankful for.

Like I said in one of my earlier posts that my house is very close to the airport, which means that I get to witness the commercial aircrafts and the Sukhois everyday. Now this has become interesting as well as a little dangerous.

Everytime a sukhoi flies above our building, I go out to see and salute.. I have seen them performing aerobatics which simply takes your breath away. Imagine a magnificent plane taking off and doing a sort of whirlwind up in the sky.. Just takes my heart away with it. I literally skip my heart beat for a second. No it does not disturbs my sleep nor I have any issue with their loud sound when they fly above us. Till this time, everything is ok...

The problem starts when I am driving and sukhois take off. The road which I normally take to go to office or elsewhere also is the airport road.. Generally early in the morning, many Sukhois take off, I guess for their regular sortie.. Thats where the problem starts. I have this tendency of getting distracted and looking up in the sky when they fly by... There are times when I did not realise that I am riding, therefore I should be concentrating on driving. My head automatically turns to look for the plane, which means that sometimes I have literally turned my head back while riding.. People around me have given my angry glances at times, which I know is fair enough. I agree that its dangerous but then I just turn around to have a look at them.

I cannot resist them when I hear their sound. I am sure I sound like a crazy girl who id madly in love with forces, but thats how I am. I sometimes have to make a conscious effort not to get distracted by these planes. I have avoided quite a few hits because of this behaviour. I am aware that I need to behave like a responsible and matured citizen atleast.. Now I tell myself whenever I am driving not to look up in the air, no matter what. I literally have to talk to myself to concentrate.. That seems to be the only way out for me for the time being..

The music flows in the air...

2011-01-27T21:00:00.000+05:30

And all this while, when I was busy setting up the house, arranging the stuff, running around the market and other places to the house fixed, my mind/heart was looking for one special place... A place where I could revive my guitar lessons.. I came to know about a place which was close to where I was staying before I shifted to my new house, but somehow I was not convinced... Too far off and then some odd timings...

Yes, I have my own set of rules... So while I was casually talking to our new neighbour one day, I just asked if he knows of any music school in our area.. He said that there is one just when we enter our lane.. I was surprised since I had never noticed any.. Given the fact, that I enter/exit the lane everyday, how could I miss this one.. Right at that time, I went and carefully examined every door and found that Rock School... What a school it is.. A real Rock music school it is... Walls painted with spray paints, posters of all the rock bands, room with wooden walls, guitars, keyboards, drums... How did I miss it...

I didnt waste any more time.. Off I went to the school, enquired about the timings, fees, any rules etc etc and got myself enrolled... The classes have started.. Yes, I have forgotten some chords.. The fingers need practice again but yes, its not that I cant do it again... My feet are tapping again, I am restless to back to my guitar and practice again... I had initially thought of playing in our company's annual day but since I realized how out of touch I had been, those dreams were kept aside... Still I am happy to have found the music school... The classes have started and I am learning well...

Of ink pens, inkpots, blotting paper and dropper...

2011-01-22T12:29:00.000+05:30

A few days back one of the authors had come to our company for her book launch and also for its promotion. The book being Leading Ladies by Sudha Menon.. It was a good session. But this is not what this post is for. At the end of the session, we all had the choice of buying the book at a discounted price. So the HR representative was noting down the names of all those who bought the books. What caught my attention was her pen. She was using a fountain pen in this age of ball pens, gel pens, pilot pens..

It suddenly took me to more than 20 years back when I had just started to use a pen.. The first pen that I was given was an ink pen. I remember how excited I was to hold a pen and feel grown up. How I waited to pass the Class IV exams and enter Class V.. The only attraction was the pen. The mighty pen. It gave me a sense of being big and responsible. I had seen my parents use it and now it gave me a chance to use it. I was happy to give away the pencil at that time. No more sharpening of pencils every night. It was replaced by filling up the pens with the inks. The first ink pen that I got was of blue color. I still remember that royal blue color and how much I loved it.

Later on my Nanaji gifted me a Chinese ink pen which was a luxury at that time. He loved my hand writing and wanted me to use the best of the pen. He also knew that I am very particular about my things, so he thought of giving me an expensive pen. Oh Boy, that pen was lovely... It was a black metal pen with some golden dragon style imprint on the rim of of its cap.. It wrote beautifully. It was as if, the pen was made for me. Infact I also loved my handwriting whenever I used that pen. Moreover, Nanaji had given me his own pen so it was all the more precious to me.. I loved filling up ink every night, and ofcourse I had to keep blotting paper in my pencil box everyday. I did not allow anyone to use my pen. The reason being, everyone has a different style of holding a pen and writing. So if two people use the same ink pen, the nib goes awry. So no matter what the other person thought, I did not share my ink pen. In the school if someone asked me for my pen, they never got my ink pen, no matter how close the person was.

I had two kinds of ink pen. The one where pen had an inbuilt dropper sort. So you just dip the pen in the ink bottle, press the rubber tube once at the end of the nib and the ink would be filled. The other one was with a small compartment in the lower part of the pen. So the ink had to be poured into it. I was not very fond of this kind of pen. But then we used droppers to fill up the pen. The only advantage of this pen was, we knew how much ink is remaining unlike the previous pen, where we had to take out all the ink and then refill it. I remember how much I cried the day my pencil box was stolen in Class X. My pencil box had a lot of stuff. My pens, pencils, rubber, sharpener, scale, blotting paper, dropper.. Some of them were very old and were with me since my childhood. But I was crying only for my ink pens. I even had the idea who had stolen my pencil box but I had no way prove it.. Nanaji did buy another pen for me, but my heart was with that black one which was given in Class V..

Now I dont have any ink pen, but I long to have one with that kind of perfect nib. I did try a lot of ink pens and some branded ones as well, but nothing came close to what I want. I guess I shall go to that shop again once I am in Doon to look for that kind of pen. I dont even know whether they still get those kinds of ink pens or whether todays kids still use ink pens. But I heart those people who use ink pens. I love it, no matter how messy or cumbersome it may be to fill them every night, be careful about not spilling the ink or be careful about the nib. Its an ink pen which for me, is a luxury par words can define.

Are brothers/sisters not part of one family ???

2011-01-18T12:14:00.000+05:30

Our Company's annual event was held last month... I wanted to participate but then there were reasons why I could not... Anyways, I still went ahead to take the pass after much dilly dallying... We could bring our family along since this was the annual event where the company allows us to bring our families and people get to know more about each other... Mom had never attended this event before, so I decided to collect the pass for it.
The event was strictly meant for the employees and their (immediate) family members upto a maximum of 4 per employee, including the employee... That means, there were 4 meal coupons attached with every pass.. No friends, acquaintances allowed.. So far so good...
When I went to collect the pass, they asked me who all are coming.. I said that it would be my parents and brother. I wanted to have all the meal coupons ( Had thought of asking one of Mom's relative and her mother to join us).. To my surprise, they said that coupons cannot be issued for siblings... Why??? No reason..
Just to make it light, the person said that the company doesnt recognises brother/sister to be a part of the family.. My reaction: !!!!!!

I just kept quiet after that.. But felt it was utterly foolish on their part, not to allow siblings...

On the work front..

2011-01-13T19:54:00.000+05:30

Things just dont seem to be working out. I am still looking out for a decent project and have not been able to find any. One of our big client has ramped down a lot of project which has resulted in a release of big chunk of employees to the pool.. Not a good situation to be in.

The frustration level is increasing day by day but I am still keeping the hope.. Something good will happen. May be this is my testing time and God wants me to be patient enough. My confirmation appraisal is due in the next few days... But I have nothing to say in that. Mainly because of the fact that I did not do anything concrete in the past 6 months that I have spent here. Some odd work keeps coming my way but its not a proper project.. I am not sure what lies ahead of me and for me... I just hope that this is not the lull before the storm.

I get quiet responses when I try to enquire or ask. This cold attitude is putting me off.. I want this to end and start working full fledgedly. I could have left easily and moved on, but there are some financial complications involved. Also given the fact that I have financial liabilities on my head, I just cant quit and sit at home. Its scary for me at the moment. I almost broke down while talking to an extremely dear friend yesterday night.

I am praying hard day and night to get some work. Everyday Mom cheers me up before I leave for office. I have never been so tensed before for my work. There were work related problems but not job related as such. Right now I am unsettled and worried. I dont want to lose it any cost. God has to help me out. He knows it very well, how much I need this to work out at this moment.. I trust Him.. Amen!!!

You and I.....

2011-01-05T20:17:00.000+05:30

Why you and I together are headed towards an unknown destination? We both dont know why we talk to each other, feel comfortable with each other, want to meet, spend time and have those long unending talks.. What is it about you and I that brings us close? Why did I feel so sad when you talked about your past? I have stopped experiencing pain long ago but I did for you.. Why? Why am I being drawn to you? I can feel the same from your end as well. Why do you want to get close to me? I have build a wall around myself but slowly you are breaking it.. I myself dont know why am I allowing you to break it? Why do you want to enter in my life? I dont want anyone else, anymore with me to drain me out.. I am so very confused at this very moment.

You have come like a fresh breath of air but still I want to keep myself away from you. I want to talk to you, at the same time I am trying hard not to. I am being indecisive. I am slowly melting towards you. I was this cold as ice, hard as a rock, dead person from inside. Why do you want me to live again. I was just ok with my life, with whatever way it was going. Now why do I wait to talk to you? Did I allow you to shake me up or did you manage to do it on your own. Shall I allow you to become a part of life? What kind of relationship do we share? I yearn to be with you, yet at the same time, I dont want to be.

Where are we headed to? Its silly to look for an answer right now. I need to live in the present but its the future that scares me the most. Infact I am scared of the present also. Is it because that I am scared of being happy. I know I am happy with you. I am putting all my trust in you, despite being so unsure myself. Why am I doing this, even I dont know. All I can say right now is that I am scared, confused and feeling weak... If it is meant to happen, then just be here... Please dont go...

What a decade...

2010-12-30T20:08:00.003+05:30

it has been.... 2010 is about to come to an end and so is this decade... The journey from 2000 - 2010 has been quite eventful for me.. If 90s were all about education, studying, school, college, numerous dreams, friends, Dehra Dun, hopes, carefree life then this decade was all about work, job, travel, love lost, getting lonelier, moving, visiting places, buying house, experiencing life more closely, getting worried about future and moving out of Doon...

If I start with 2000, that was the year I lost my Nanaji and world came crashing down.. This year saw me leaving Doon.. The year also saw me moving into the big city of Pune and start my career. The year also witnessed us leaving our own house and moving to a rented place... The decade has seen a transformation of a young girl of merely 23 years who was scared to move into a big city to a mature woman of 33 years who has travelled alone in the night and to different parts of the country/world...

If I look back at this decade and analyze it, I have gained professionally a lot but lost personally majorly.. Yes there are a few good relations made, but the loss is tremendous. It has also seen me transform from someone who believed in love to someone who is slowly turning into a indifferent, cold, hard person.. I have lived alone, cried hot tears of anger, sometimes pitied, sometimes sympathized and sometimes angry at myself.. Still at the end of the day, I have managed to emerge out of it as strong as I can be, ready to face the brutalities of the selfish world..

A decade ago when I started working and moved to Pune, we had nothing... No money, no house, no security.. all that I had with me was dreams, hopes, zeal to make it big, my will to work hard... It allowed me to stick on... I grew confident of what I did and said.. I have happily cut those so called ribbons of relations, which were fake... People who gave me attitude, got double in return.. Some of them I dont care about any more... There are some whom I have become extremely fond of... They are going to stay with me forever, thats what I think as of now...

The decade saw me travelling to different parts of the country/world, which were extremely satisfying and rich in experience... This was my dream since childhood that once I grow up, I am going to travel to different places.. All the visits were purely for vacation sake... No company paid holidays or work-cum-pleasure visits, thankfully... Thats what makes me even more happier.. I managed to travel to so many places on my own. Of,course there was a lot of planning/saving involved each time, but thats what made it the best...

There are still a lot of places that I want to visit in the years to come.. Hopefully, some of the travel plans should materialize... The decade also witnessed me living alone and managing the house. I started cooking which I never liked before.. Surprisingly, I never learnt cooking as such.. But I found out that I am a very decent cook, whose meals have been liked and loved by every single person.. So I would like to believe that I have acquired the magic of my Mom's hands...

While I know that not everyone gets everything, what they wish for, I also know that God tries to balance out the gaps.. I have been quite unlucky in terms of having good relationship/love but I also believe that there must be something good in that.. God must have thought about it.. May be He wanted me to have other rich experiences before I finally take a breather..

The best part of this decade would be, buying my own house.. The last three/four posts have been about my home, still I want to write more about it.. I still marvel at myself many times for taking such a huge step.. Mom had been the biggest support behind it.. She had been asking me buy one for the quite a few years but I avoided.. Finally when I realized that it has to be now or never, that I took this big decision... One of my distant relative, who is extremely fond of me, someone who is also responsible for giving a flight to my career, whom I respect a lot for her independence and taking everything in her stride said to me: "I bought a house when I was 45 years old, but you bought a house when you are less than 35 years. I am so proud of you. You have done what many boys could not have done." She very fondly calls the main bedroom as Mistress Bedroom as opposed to the Master bedroom.. :-)

So this decade has brought a lot of change in me and my life, some of them were good, some not so good.. But I guess thats what and how life is.. As we step into the next one, I hope to have some more good experiences and move forward.. Just want to stick on with the relationships that are present currently.. About finding love, I am just leaving it as it is...

Dont issue any cheque on your birthday...

2010-12-29T21:00:00.001+05:30

What happens when you issue a cheque on your birthday...
Ans: When you mention the date, the year is mentioned as your year of birth. The cheque is returned, stating 'Stale Cheque'.

Thats what happened with me a few days back. I issued a cheque for some payment on my birthday. Mentioned my year of birth instead of 2010.. (I guess I am too conditioned to write my exact date of birth as we do while filling up other forms)

Moral of the Story : Dont issue cheques on your birthday.. Or check twice after you have issued the cheque.. :-)

My Heavenly Abode...

2010-12-27T21:38:00.004+05:30

I always sing this song :

chhota sa ghar hoga baadlon ki chhaon mein,
asha deewani man mein bansuri bajaye,
hum he hum chamkenge taaron ke us gaon mein,
aankhon ki roshni har dum ye samjhaye.

Infact this is my favourite song ever.. If someone ever asks me to sing a song, this is what I sing.. And now this song has come true in my life.. This is my home.. Like the words say: baadlon ki chhaon mein,it is on the top floor... Love every nook and corner of this home which is now mine...

Life in the past one and a half months in points...

2010-12-22T20:55:00.001+05:30

- shifted and moved into my own house.. What a horrendous experience it was with the movers & Packers(again!!!)... We were unloading the stuff till 10 in the night. It was not because of any reason that we had a big house and too much stuff.. The packers arrived after the afternoon and then we finally packed, shifted... By the end of the day, I was almost in tears and half dead.. They charged me double the amount than it was agreed upon.. They refused to unload the stuff till I gave them the money in advance. For the first time in my life, I realized if there was even one guy with me, all this would not have happened. I am not even counting the damage that they did to our stuff.. The whole of next day I and Mom were unpacking the boxes alone, without any help... Its been more than a month but still we havent arranged everything properly..

- Numerous visits by electrician, carpenter, plumber, painter, building engineer, curtain walla have kept us on our toes... Everyday something or the other goes wrong and need to be fixed.. So a visit by one of the service providers.. Its been a nightmare, I tell you.. I am longing for a weekend when I can just relax, without any visit from anyone, without having to visit anyone.. On top of it, we had no maid till the beginning of this month..

- A quick trip to Mumbai in between for 3 days to attend a cousin's wedding. The weather was horrible.. It was humid and it sucked.. I was sweaty, sticky and looked like an oily paratha ... On top of it, there was a reaction on my face, post a visit to the parlour.. Lack of sleep and not enough rest made sure that Mom was unwell post the trip. She had developed mouth ulcer and could not even drink water, forget about eating anything.

- Not sure about the project on work front, till now. I am doing few things, but nothing concrete as such.. Have been dragged into something totally new, about which I have no clue. I am reading stuff from whatever sources I could manage, with limited access to web in office..

- No internet connection for more than a month ensured that I did not reply to emails, messages, no updates on blog.. Friends who did not know about my moving to Pune, have been trying to contact me through FB, but I could not reply to them.. Limited access to web in office and no time at all on any weekend to go and search for a nearest cyber cafe..

- In between all this mayhem, my birthday also came and went just like any other day.. I had thought of going out for dinner with Mom, but then her health did not permit us.

It has been a crazy month for us.. Still we have to arrange our stuff.. My poor cupboard is begging for attention and I am royally ignoring it. I have simply dumped stuff wherever it is meant to be... The real challenge arrives when we need something.. We know its there in the house, but where is it - thats the big question... In between all this, I sometimes sit back and look around... All this is mine.. Its MY house.. Ofcourse there is a big home loan on my head now, but that is a part of it.. No girl, rather no one in our family had bought a house at such young age... I am getting all praises from people around me. Like one of my cousin told me : 'Take it in. Its very seldom that people praise you.' I agree and graciously accepted all the compliments.. :-) Still working on turning the house into a home..

Moving...

2010-10-29T10:40:00.000+05:30

Today is significant for me.. The last working day of this month. The last day in this project. The last day in my current house. The last day of living in a rented place.. From tomorrow onwards, I shall be living in my own house that I have bought here..

Yes, finally I am a proud owner of a house on this planet, which I am waiting to convert into a home.. Its going to be a mad house for the next few days for me.. Already i am going insane with the never ending work of carpenter, fixtures, getting all the necessary things together, making endless trips to my house to settle as much stuff as possible.. Still the major part is left.. I have just managed to move my clothes to the new house.. Rest everything remains which shall be done tomorrow. Then comes the major part of arranging the house... But I guess this will be for a long time, this time.. I will not have to take in the landlord, broker's attitude anymore.. No more rent agreements, request for extending the agreement after every 11 months, negotiating on the rent...

I am waiting to decorate my house.. The stuff that I have bought over the years from my various trips, which is still lying packed in some cartons.. The kitchen has been done.. The wardrobes are done.. Only the house is waiting for us to come in, and turn it into a home.. I have a huge terrace, equivalent to the size of the flat which is an added advantage. My friends have already decided to have a barbeque party there, considering the good location and the right weather - festival season plus there is a nip in the air announcing the mild winters that this place experiences..

Its a nice bright house on the top floor, with lots of sunshine and cool breeze... I loved the place the moment I saw it.. Two big balconies, French windows, an average sized kitchen and two fairly sized bedrooms. I love my room specially which has a big glass door, opening to a balcony... I will not get to see the morning sun, but I shall witness the sunset... I still have to get the bathrooms done and get some extra storage space made, but that will be done eventually, given the fact that I am totally broke now..

I shall witness the planes(YAY!!!) frequently but there is no noise.. My love for planes shall be fulfilled to an extent.. It was an amazing feeling to see my name on the name board of the building... Its a sense of achievement, which is indescribable.. 10 years back when I came to this city, I had nothing.. No money, no house, no vehicle, no friends, no place to go to... Even after spending 5 years here initially, the city seemed to be a stranger to me.. But not anymore.. I am happy to be here and ready to embrace it.. My first diwali at this place will be a special one.. Now that I am moving, it will be sometime before I get the net connection.. So see you after sometime.. Waiting to move into my home... :-)

Uprooted

2010-10-26T22:06:00.000+05:30

Yesterday was one of those days when I was not feeling good at all. There were multiple things doing a whirlwind in my head. I was not at ease. My heart was restless. I had tears all the day.. My eyelids were heavy.. I had a sinking feeling.. Something like when you lose someone very precious... I knew I was hurt.. Something was bothering me. I had not slept even for a moment the previous night.

I felt extremely weak and vulnerable.. I would have given in to anything... I could not eat anything. I was not hungry. I had to eat forcibly and then take a medicine to help digest the food.. I was not at my desk for the whole day. I spent the entire day sitting on bench under a tree in the office campus.. I felt so very unwanted. I wanted the world to end. There was nothing I wanted to live for. There was nothing to feel good about. I carried a book with me, but I could not read even a word.

It was a strange feeling. I have felt like this before as well many times.. Its pathetic. I was missing someone very badly.. I wanted to hold him.. I wanted him to hold me.. But there was no one around. It seemed that all this while, till now I was living in a dream world.. Now suddenly all the dreams are shattered and I am back to the real world... I was emotionally, mentally, physically uprooted. I wanted to run away to some far off place, where no one knew me. No one would ask me any questions. The loneliness will engulf me and drown me in deep sea of sadness. It was crazy and insane. The day seemed much longer than the usual days. I packed my bags, went home and slept for no reason.. Such days are difficult for me to handle. I try to keep myself sane, but I know inside I am very weak and do anything wrong. Rather anyone can take advantage of it... May be on these days, God remains by my side and takes care of me, rather than just letting me go... I am ok...

Social Networking Sites

2010-10-20T21:12:00.001+05:30

While updating the status on one of the social networking site, I realized how much our lives are centered around them. Few years back, I remember how much one of my office friend in Gurgaon pestered me to open an account on Orkut, which I found completely chirkut (not sure if there is any such word).. But yes, I found a lot of long lost friends through that site and I couldnt be more thankful for it.. Writing scraps, instead of emails, uploading our latest pictures, giving latest information about ourselves is the norm, which also made it quite interesting.

At the same time, people could find other like-minded people through the site and make friends with them. There were communities which anyone could join, depending on their interest. People also get alerts about your birthday... This meant even if who didnt know about your birthday gets a chance to wish you.. I found this quite amusing.. There are a lot of people with whom you dont talk for the whole year.. Rather you never talk to them.. They are in your friend's list since you knew them at some point of time - may be through school, college, friend of friend, work place, hometown, it could be any reason..

I also realized that how these sites have become an important part of everyone in today's life.. Whatever is happening in your life, you dont have to tell everyone separately or call them or drop a mail.. Just update your status and the whole world knows about it... And then people may comment and like your status.. Infact that becomes a point of discussion sometimes. You can write what and how are you feeling, where are you going, what did you eat, what do you want to eat, what are you wearing, what do you want to buy.. Just about anything that you can think of.. No questions asked..

While social networking sites are a great way to connect with people, sometimes I feel that personal human touch is lost somewhere. We dont write letters anymore.. We dont wish people either through cards or phone.. There are just a few scraps, comments, like, super like, games on everyone's profile page- especially if it is facebook. Then there is Twitter where you give updates about every second of your life - right from waking up in the morning to going to the washroom, to breaking up, dating, and then sleeping... So if you want to know about whats happening in someone's life or how they are, you dont have to call them or write to them.. Just go through their profile page and you will know everything. I understand that technology has its own advantages and disadvantages. It has certainly given us a way to find people, be in their friend's list, write to them whenever you want to, but I miss that warmth.. I am the kind who likes to call people, send birthday wishes through cards, write letters.. I do wish people on these sites but only those with whom I am connected through internet. And there are a few, whom I may not wish, since I know they would not respond. I am like that...

I am not sure if its good to have these sites.. Sometimes there is too much information floating on the net.. It does makes us vulnerable to identity thefts, with the information being misused.. Like I said, there are pros and cons in it, still we use them including myself. Still I miss that hand written letters era, of shopping for greeting cards, making cards, posting them and get a thank you in return.. Thats a different smile and feeling altogether.

Tummy goes topsy turvy

2010-10-11T13:36:00.003+05:30

Another problem.. Seems like all that I write about are problems, problems and problems...

Its been more than 3-1/2 months since I am here.. While I wrote a few posts back that my digestion has improved, which means no upset stomach and weight gain, here comes out the reality... My stomach has gone haywire again.. And right now, its in an extremely bad shape... Since yesterday I have spent more time in the toilet than outside... I have no energy... I cannot digest anything.. Even the lightest and simple curd-rice, is not accepted by my stomach.. I am hungry, but cannot eat anything.. And now with anti-biotics, my taste buds have also gone bad..

All this while, I was happy that since I have come to Pune, my stomach problem is cured and now I can eat anything, without any worry... I guess I was wrong.. My stomach has showed its true form.. Infact for the past few days, I was not feeling good about my stomach.. I thought that its just my imagination.. Nothing wrong will happen... How wrong I was.. I had to take a day off.. I would say, rather work from home.. Mom has called several times.. She is more worried, since she knows how I behave when my stomach is upset...

I am waiting for her to be here soon... Now that I know the reality of it, I am going to take it easy.. I dont want this horrifying experience again.. Its a torture for a foodie like me.. Infact it will be a torture for anyone.. Imagine, not being able to eat anything - not even simple daal chawal... I hope to get better soon and start my regular medication again.. If thats the way to keep stomach under control, then let it be...

And the hunt starts again...

2010-10-07T19:28:00.000+05:30

Its been barely a couple of months in the current project. While I was still learning, getting used to the jargons, getting to know people, the processes, here comes the news : I am being released from this project and I need to find another one.. The timeframe is almost at the end of this month. The reason given is quite vague.. The project for which I was primarily aligned, has been pushed by another two quarters and now they dont know when will the project start.. So to reduce the overhead cost, I am being released. The team for the primary project was yet to be formed.. We were supposed to start working on this project from Mid Oct.. Since quite a few days, I was waiting for the team to be formed, since the skill request forms were filled in..

Now that the project has been postponed, I dont feel any good about it. I am still in the probation period.. Have not done any concrete project till now.. This might have a negative impact on the confirmation process which will happen in another 3 months timeframe. I have never been so tensed as I am now.. I have some financial commitments to take care of. There are a lot of other responsibilities on my head. I feel as if I am in a deep dark pit.. Getting a new project is not any easy task. When you are a new joinee, at that time, the system has to allocate a new project to you since thats the reason I was taken into the organization. But now that the project is postponed, I have to struggle and find my way out to get a new project. Also the companies these days dont allow people to remain in pool for a longer term, since its an unnecessary cost to the organization.

I have spoken to a few people since thats how you get the project.. I dont know whats happening but there is a constant pressure in my head. I am not able to sleep, ever since I got this news. These constant changes are playing a havoc in my personal as well as professional life. I am not sure if this is for good or should I expect something worse.. My personal life is no better at this moment. At times, I get a feeling, if I made any mistake by coming back here.. I know nothing great was happening back in my previous organization.. I wanted to move out of there as quickly as possible. But then why these constant changes ever since I came here.. I am not being allowed to settle down anywhere.. To cite a small example, within a span of 3 months, I have changed 5 desks... So one can imagine that I am constantly dealing with a change, which is currently doing no good to me.. I need sometime to settle down... I am not sure what to infer out all these changes.. One thing is definitely there - I dont feel good... I need a strong prayer to help me settle down..

Strangled Marriages and estranged relationships....

2010-09-29T21:08:00.002+05:30

Here comes again the much coveted topic of marriages, relationships, spouses... Though I do believe in the institution of marriage but not at the cost of sacrificing one's individuality.. Yes, marriage is good in its own way but not if you have to forego your own personality and accept it just because it has to be... For me, marriage means coming together of two individuals who can complement each other for a life time. There should be love, respect and more over acceptance... And if there is no love left, its better to move out rather than drag on the relationship just for the sake of it..

Why have I chosen to write about moving on, is because currently I am in contact with two very close friends, who are going through a tough phase in their married lives.. And to come to think of it, in one of the case, the couple is my friend.. Lets put it like this... Couple 1 where V = Boy, M = Girl... Couple 2 where I know only the girl. Lets call her R.

In the case of first couple, I know V since childhood. Though he is not my friend directly but we have known each other since school days. Our families have known each other.. He treats me like his elder sister.. We have many childhood memories of good and some funny stuff that have happened in our lives.. For me, there was no difference between him and my brother.. We always used to joke, that it will always be V who will get married first among all of us.. We even had a bet.. So when V's marriage was fixed, we are all elated.. The first marriage of a close friend and ofcourse we won the bet.. V's wife M is quite young to him.. The moment I met her, she and I developed an instant liking for each other.. She loves me more than her own sister.. Same goes for me.. I love her to death.. Absolutely fun loving and an extremely nice person.. I thought that they made a very good pair and was thankful to God that they made such a nice pair.. Things were alright for sometime, till I discovered that M has been spending a lot of time away from V.. First I thought that it could be due to her studies, exams.. But when the time gap increased, I spoke to her since I could feel the tension.. She broke down.. V had been ill-treating her.. He had not only mentally abused her but physically as well... He had beaten her to black and blue.. He had done everything that a man could possibly do to break the marriage.. I did not know how to react.. Anger, frustration, sadness, tears all came to me at one go.. I just feel like punching V's face hard.. M is devastated currently.

Take the case of second couple.. R is my friend since a long time.. almost 10 years.. She is a very very simple girl who doesnt have any big dreams.. She simply wanted to get married and settle down with her husband, have kids, raise a family.. Fair enough.. After a lot of difficulty when she eventually got married, I was extremely happy for her.. We thought that now all her dreams would come true. What happened later on, is anybody's nightmare.. The guy had married her for money since she is working for a long time in a very good company. He took money from her to get his own sister married.. Everyday he used to fight with her.. He tortured her mentally. He made her travel from Pune to Nasik to Mumbai to Nasik and then back to Pune in just two days of time.. He asked her to pay the rent, take care of the household expenses and even asked her to support him since he wanted to go to US to pursue higher studies - all at her cost.. He did not want to spend even a single penny.. Everyday he would ask her to bring certain amount of money from her parents' house. One day she blasted and asked him to get lost.. Now she is back with her parents and is waiting..

Both the girls have decided that they dont want to stay with their respective hubbies anymore.. I completely support their decision.. A man is not needed in our lives so that we can abused by them.. Both of them have decided to move on.. They are going through a lot of emotional imbalance... It has come as a rude shock.. Such incidents leave me thinking - Why do guys marry if they dont want a wife? Why spoil a girl's life? What do they get out of it? Both my friends have my support.. They know that I am there for them whenever required. We have had long talks on how to go about it. What next needs to be done. Since R and I are in the same office, she comes and discusses with me all the progress on her case. I know she needs a lot of support.. I am doing all my bit to make her as strong as can be. I have told her that she doesnt need such a man in her life.. Infact why does she need a man after all. She is educated, independent, can support herself, has her own life, house, friends.. My heart goes out to M, who is sitting miles away from me.. We talk as frequently as possible.. I have asked her to complete her studies, take up a job and move on.. Nothing has happened in her life that can possibly stop her from enjoying life.. Life has not ended for them.. They still have people who care for them and love them. But still at the end of the day, I ask this question multiple times - What wrong have these girls done to suffer like this??

Reading and Books

2010-09-24T21:03:00.002+05:30

My association with books goes long back to childhood.. I remember reading them ever since I could.. It started with comics - Chacha Chowdhury, Billu, Pinky, Lotpot, Chandamama, Suman Saurabh, Champak and then the other Diamond comics series.. As I grew older, it gradually shifted to Enid Blyton's Famous Five series and Archies comics.. I started reading newspaper as well as other magazines that everyone in our house read...

So it ranged from India Today, Business Today, 3 newspapers(Times of India, Indian Express, Economic Times), Woman's Era, Target, Femina, Filmfare, Reader's Digest.. Thats actually a long list... There was no dearth of reading material in our house at any given point of time... Every time we got new school books in the month of April, i used to finish reading all the short stories in both Hindi and English during our summer holidays.. Every night I read some story before going off to sleep. on top of it, we had those hard bound stories which Mum had bought when we were really kids.. Those fairy tales books with lots of colorful pictures, pull out pages and the classic Panchtantra stories...

The reading habit grew when I discovered that my Nanaji had a big almirah which was filled with novels.. More so, he had the entire collection of Reader's Digest, which started from 1950s.. I guess he had taken life time subscription for it.. I started reading novels. I remember I felt so nice taking out a book from his prized possessions and feeling ecstatic about it. The first one that I could remember was Love Story by Eric Segal.. The second one I guess was Rebecca... Then I moved to all fiction writers - Sidney Sheldon, Danielle Steel, Agatha Christie, Jeffrey Archer and a host of other authors.. But it was all fiction. I was never into serious philosophy or spiritual reading. It never interested me..

My love for reading still continues and I still have this habit of reading before I hit the bed.. Now I have another option of reading on internet, but yes, nothing comes close to the feeling of holding a book in your hand.. Ever since I started working, I have been living in a make shift place i.e. a rented house. Obviously space was always a constraint, which led to lesser number of books being bought.. There were times when I wanted to buy a book but held myself back since I knew that there isnt enough space to keep them.. Things have become better over the past few years and a lot of junk has been sorted out..

Just last week, there was a book stall being put up in our company, which gave 10% discount on all the books.. I went beserk while shuffling through the books.. It had been a long time since I bought any books... I had a hard time in deciding which book to buy.. There were so many that I wanted to buy.. But then I restricted myself and bought only four, which were enough to last me for few months, considering that I am a slow reader, i have other books to finish and ofcourse the space constraint.. I am pretty sure that once I have a place of my own, there would be a reserved space to keep my books... Till then, I get back to reading again one of the books that I bought..

Something that I wished for...

2010-09-16T21:25:00.001+05:30

...came true yesterday... A friend and I had some mis-understanding and he was not talking... I tried calling him as well, but he did not answer.. I felt miserable and knew that even he felt bad about the whole thing... I am quite touchy about relationships and specially when it involves people whom I love... I was just thinking of how to resolve the matter...

Yesterday I went for the evening aarti in our society, since Ganpati Festival is going on.. There is something about the aarti.. The whole atmosphere is filled with energy and I feel good from inside.. Everybody is chanting the mantras and singing and you go along with the flow, even if you dont know the exact words.. I dont know the words of the one which is in Marathi but that does not deters me from attending it. So while I prayed yesterday, I wished that my friend and I should be back as friends, with the misunderstandings re-solved..

That was about it.. I came back and went to sleep... After a little while I got a call from that friend.. I was so surprised.. It was as if God had granted my wish. I was so so happy. We chatted, shouted but in the end resolved the mis-understanding... I was thinking again. It seemed that while I prayed, God had asked me to ask what I want and it was granted.. I just could not thank God enough for it.. It brought a smile to my face.. I slept happily for a few hours after that, though not a sound one still...

Sleeplessness

2010-09-15T14:13:00.000+05:30

is what is troubling me today.. I did not sleep even for a minute yesterday night.. Whole night I just tossed and turned... I dont even know what was troubling me, but yes something was troubling me.. I was terribly tired after a long day.. Came back home after 9:30 and simply wanted to crash.. But sleep had decided to elude me.. No matter how much I tried.. Read a book, listen to music... nothing helped.. On top of it, I felt like everything that I had eaten will come out... I had not eaten anything heavy.. As a matter of fact I had skipped dinner.. The eyes were closed and I knew that they were closed.. To tell clearly, I knew that I was sleeping, whereas when a person sleeps, they dont know that they are sleeping... I did not check the time every now and then in the night..

In between, I opened my eyes to check the time and see how much more time is left, before I can actually sleep. It was close to around 3 am at that time, which meant another 3 hours of sleep(!!??), and then the daily routine starts... When I got up in the morning, my whole body ached.. Its still tired.. My eyes are heavy and its difficult for me to keep them open... I could not even skip the office.. Yes, something is troubling me and I am not at peace.. It seems tears are on the verge of breaking the walls of the eyes.. My heart is heavy and my body is tired.. What am I missing.. Why am I not able to sleep... This was the second sleepless day in a row after a long weekend of enough sleeping and relaxing.. Waiting for the day to end and hoping to catch some sound sleep tonight atleast...

Tears, Rains and Sunday...

2010-09-09T20:39:00.001+05:30

Last Sunday was quite depressing, despite the fact that I had spent a lovely Saturday with a school friend, watching a movie and then roaming aimlessly in the market.. Since Sunday morning, I was not feeling good. I dont know what it was, but it was bad. I felt like a lonely tree at the end of the forest which is completely engulfed in mist and nobody can see it. Though there are many trees around in the forest, still that tree at the end, is lonely and yearns for somebody to be next to it.

I called up Mam as it was Teachers Day.. But I could not speak to her. I ended up crying. I knew that she would be disturbed to see me like this, but I just couldnt hold myself back. Yes, I was missing her as well. I wanted to be with her on that special day, but I was not.

It was a pathetic feeling and stayed with me the whole day. I dont know what all I kept doing the whole day.. Cried, slept, got up, surfed net for sometime. Didnt step out of my room at all. By the time I realised, it was already 7:30 and dark outside. I had no intentions of preparing dinner. Since it was not raining, I thought of taking a walk till the nearby shop and get something to eat. I ventured out, lost in my own thoughts. I was walking after a long time. Normally I use my kinetic to go anywhere.. Its more convenient. But that day I did not want to ride.

I walked till the end of the road to the other side of the colony, without thinking. then I realised that I should go back. The shop where I was supposed to go, was closed. I went to another shop and ordered some food to be packed. While I was waiting at the shop, it started drizzling. I did not have the umbrella with me. Normally in such a situation, I get worried about going back. The distance was not much, but I dont like going in the rains. And ofcourse the distance was quite short enough for any auto driver to agree to go. Somehow that day, I was not worried about how will I go back.. I took the food and started walking in the rain. May be I wanted to walk in the rain.. I felt as if the rain is helping me to wash down the tears. I could walk in the rain, with tears flowing down my cheeks... Nobody could notice in the dark and in that drizzle, if I was crying. I kept on walking, as if I couldnt feel the rain.. I was surprised at myself that day.. I dont like getting wet in the rain.. Even the slight drizzle worries me, if I dont have an umbrella.. But it did not matter that day..

Life here...

2010-08-27T20:59:00.005+05:30

is ok as of now... There is no specific reason for being away. Its just that I have been caught in the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, rushing to work, back home, weekend chores, shopping groceries, washing etc.. And ofcourse in between something or the other important keeps popping up to take away the rest of my time.. But overall its still better. I get up early in the morning around 6:15... Much as I love coming back home in the evening when the sun is still out, I hate to drag myself out of my cosy bed early morning when the sun is hardly visible.

I am eating almost 4 meals contrary to just two previously...My health has improved (read: I have gained weight)... I have not experienced any upset stomach for the past couple of months, which I am quite happy about. But the weight gain is bothering me now. I guess its because of the increased number of meals, good weather and improved digestion that I have gained weight. I need to get back to exercise(jogging), which I find extremely difficult to start all over again, given the fact that I am tired at the end of the day and too lazy to get up earlier than 6:15 in the morning.. But I shall find a way out.. May be control my diet...

The weather has been generally nice ever since I came here. Its because I landed up during monsoons and I have not experienced the scorching sun since then. Thats typical Pune.. Once it starts raining, the temperature goes down to 20s and remains at that level atleast for few months, which is such a blessing. Also I am saved from the skin burning heat and humidity which is killing. I dont even use the fan during the nights since its so pleasant. But yeah, I am going to miss the lovely winters of North India.. Sometimes it becomes unbearably cold, but still I love the mist, fog and the idea of curling up in the bed under a warm rajai.. I am from Dehra Dun after all.. A trip can be planned during that time to North India to experience it, so that part is also taken care of.. :-)

Currently I am staying in a rented house in a nice society. The house is quite spacious, airy and brightly lit. It has a lot of cheerfulness. Its nice living here except that I get to use only one bathroom, since the other one is locked, though I was promised that I shall get to use both and I pay the rent for the whole house - but thats a different story which needs to be handled separately. moreover, I am not going to be here for a very long time. The society has a nice view. My neighbours are friendly and warm, specially my next door neighbour who are a young couple. The girl keeps checking on me regularly, in case I need any help and I am doing fine. The best part about the society is the view. I can see some of the mountains and and and... Since I live very close to the airport, I get to see the flying jets.. No not the commercial jets... The air force station is closeby. so I get to see those fighter jets flying regularly.. My love for armed forces, is no secret.. so when I discovered that from every window and specially the balcony, I can see the jets taking off, it just made me happy.. I have seen night flying as well.. The great ball of fire on their tails is a sight to be seen... There is a sudden adrenalin rush when you see those jets take off.. My heart skips a beat...

I am yet to find a music class where I can start my guitar lessons again.. I have started driving my two wheeler again after a long gap of 4.5 years. Now its the car which gets a step-brotherly/motherly/sisterly treatment. Parking is a big nuisance in this city and its easy to whizz around on my kinetic.. The occasional shopping, eating out has also happened and shall continue, which is nice. The weekends are still lonely.. On most of the weekends, one would find me sitting by the window and gazing outside somewhere in the space, lost in my own thoughts. No social life even now. Most of the people, I knew here have moved out. Some have got married and are busy with their own family lives.. But I have no complaints. I go out whenever I want to. Or like always, I am sitting at home, watching some movie. I still dont have the cable connection and dont even feel the need to have one. Why unnecessarily spend on idiot box when there is no one to watch it. Like always, I look forward to Fridays when I know that two full days are ahead of me when I dont have to bother about getting up early. So I sleep a lot on weekends. Thats pretty much about how life is moving on currently in Pune.. More to come soon...

Net (dis)connected...

2010-07-30T21:58:00.001+05:30

Finally the net connection has been put up.. After waiting for more than a month, I got it.. Twice I filled up the forms.. First they gave me all the excuses for delaying it, that it will be done in a day or two.. When I finally gave up the patience, out came the truth.. They did not have any free connection... After much argument, they returned my money... so a few days back, the guys called me back and said the connections are available now.. I gave them the money and was told that it will be done in 4 days time.. On the fourth day, the internet man calls me to tell, that there is some problem with me ID proof, due to which they have not come to install it... Perfect!!! Gave him another ID proof and they took another two days to put up the connection..
So after going through all the stories when the connection was put up three days back, can you imagine the end result.. For two days the connection didnt work.. Some server issue. then again some technical problem. So today when I almost lost my cool, the problem turned out that the engineer had not set up the connection properly. I felt like killing myself.. God!!! They apologized and somehow they rectified the problem. Now its up and running.. I hope it continues to do so, now atleast.. Enough of these disconnected net problems..

Pune

2010-07-16T15:08:00.001+05:30

From where do I start about this place.. Do I love it or not? I still dont know. I came to this city for the first time in Sep 2000. I came here for an interview and got selected. Though I had my own apprehensions about staying here and joining the job, still I took it up.. I had initial problems of adjusting to the city but I sailed through. I spent 5 years in the city. Still I was alien to this place. The only places that I could identify with were MG Road, Koregaon Park and my place of work. Nothing more, nothing less. I visited a number of eating joints, pubs, discs, lounges and had a great party time, most of the times. I never dared to venture out in the old part of Pune. May be I was scared of all marathi speaking junta here.. I loved the weather of Pune. Just three months of summer and the rest of the year it was pleasant enough, but I missed the winters of Dehra Dun. I missed the cuckoo's song in the early morning. Still the city gave me a lot of confidence. It taught me that I can stay alone. I can plan my vacations. I took my first trip abroad from here.. I made some absolutely wonderful friends-for-life here. Yet I missed North India. I wanted to go back someday.. and it happened.

When I left Pune in 2005 after spending a good 5 years, I was extremely happy. I had decided that I shall never be back to this city. I will be closer to Doon and I shall be happy there. But I guess life had some other plans for me. I am back here after spending more than 4-1/2 years in NCR. My first reaction after coming here was : What a lovely weather. From humid, scorching heat of 45 degrees in NCR to 22 degrees of Pune. Wow.. The weather is at its best. Its windy and cloudy most of the times, these days. But its nice. I am still trying to figure out the places around. Discover some good new eating joints. Getting in touch with some very close old friends, who are my saviours here. I tasted a lot of street food.. Driving on my two wheeler again after ages.. The poor car is resting though I do plan to use it occasionally.

I may be taking up a place of my own here.. I am being pushed, advised a lot about it. I know its high time that I move out of rented house and get done and dusted with the tantrums of brokers/landlords.. I dont know where I shall be tomorrow but yes, a house can be bought. I am almost mentally prepared for it. Hope things go well from here onwards.

Back to the world...

2010-07-15T17:32:00.001+05:30

After a long hiatus of a month, I am still trying to get back to the real world.. Last one month has been absolutely crazy with number of activities happening in my life. A trip to Pune, back to NCR, packing, shifting, papers, reaching Mumbai, then to Pune.. Shifting, crazy calls with the movers & packers, arguments with the landlord, broker, joining a new job, getting a new phone connection has left me practically with no energy at all.. The house is still not fully set up.. I still dont have internet connection at home.. I still dont have any project allocated to me yet. My previous landlord has not returned my deposit till now. The present landlord is giving me a problem already... The movers & packers have not settled the claim and they dont seem to be in a mood to do so... Aggarwal movers and packers is what I selected, thinking that they would be the best since its a 'brand'... But I had the most horrifying experience with them.. None of them were ready to deliver my stuff till the last day.. I had made endless phone calls, numerous requests but all in vain.. I would never ever recommend their name to anyone again. On top of it, they were the most rude and absolutely unprofessional people with no basic etiquettes on how to even talk to a lady..

I am still trying to figure out how to get the internet connection set up since most of them seem to have run out of available connections.. I dont have the cable TV connection, which I am ok with. Dont even watch TV as such.. The house is nice and huge but the society has its own weird rules. No bachelors allowed in the society. The parents cannot be away for a long time. I wanted to ask: What if a bachelor buys a house in that society.. There is no logic behind their rule.. The marathi maids have their own tantrums. Nobody wants to come twice in a day to do the dishes. The price that they ask is horrendous. But I still feel that I took the right decision to move on. I can already see some good things on their way. I guess I expected no issues while shifting, while they exist everywhere.. I am still settling in and hope things get better after some time.

As I move on..

2010-06-14T10:16:00.003+05:30

Its my turn now to say Good-Bye.. Today is my last day in this office. I have mixed feelings. I remember my first day.. How excited I was to come here and be back to North India, close to my home.. But as the days/weeks/years progressed, I felt I am not doing all that I wanted to do.

I learnt a lot of things but I lost as well. I realized how most of the people here are self-centered. They would not share anything with you. I had strive on my own to make my way. So many times I felt good about getting things done in the right way. So many times I felt bad when things did not work out. And many times I felt bad, when there was not even a single Thank You from anyone.

I realized how diplomacy and playing politics help people grow. But I never wanted to be a part of it and I shall not be. Its just not my cup of tea. I had lunch with almost the same set of people whom I met on the first day, though we were all in different units. In the past few months, I did manage to make a couple of good friends. People whom I can actually call friends for life.. I am surely going to miss them.

I had some of the most challenging clients and they kept me on my toes which I enjoyed. I still remember when one of the manager from US visited us and she asked me about my clients. Her first reaction was : You have some of the most demanding/challenging clients. How do you manage!.. Well.. thats it. If they were with me, I had to.. I made sure I did the best that I could. But I guess I reached a saturation point where I realized that now there needs to be a change. I could not see anything beyond from here.

Not only I am leaving this job, but this city as well. I was never happy staying in NCR. Sometimes I feel as if I am running away from everything/everyone. But now I have a few things in my mind which I am going to focus on, once I am settled in the new place.. All the best to me.. :-)

Why do girls wear western outfits?

2010-06-09T15:22:00.001+05:30

A random conversation with a colleague over lunch table.

Colleague : Why do girls wear jeans?
Me : Why? Whats wrong?
Colleague : Girls should not wear western clothes.
Me : But why?
Colleague : Girls look good only in Indian attires. See the girl sitting on our next table. How elegant is she looking.
Me : What has elegance got to do with Indian or Western attire?
Colleague : Girls dont know what looks good on them. Only Indian clothes look good on them.
Me: All foreigners wear western outfits. That does not mean they dont look good. Its not about Indian/Western outfits, but how you carry yourself in those outfits, make a difference.
Colleague : But those fat girls wear such tight jeans and tight tops. They look horrible.
Me : Why are you so concerned. What if they wear skin tight suits. What difference will it make? Why do you Indian Males act like typical chauvinist pigs. Just like a typical MCP. Grow up and act like a mature man.
Colleague : **Keeps quiet** Changes the topic **

Official (de)Attachment

2010-05-31T11:51:00.000+05:30

Its a mass exodus here, sort of.. Everyone seems to be leaving their current job and moving on. While it is difficult for all of us to adjust to it and make shifts with the work, it challenges us in a different way and makes us think.. With all this mayhem around me, even I have decided to leave. Yes, I am moving on. I am leaving this city, this job, this place, people here..

My leaving has brought an unexpected reaction from everyone. The first thing everyone remembered was: 'O God! not her'. But this is how it is. Right from Project Manager to Group Manager to Business Group Manager to people onshore, none of them is happy. While I understand their state of shock and disbelief, I am happy with my decision. I contemplated for a long time before deciding upon it.

Strange enough, when I resigned, there was no news among the other people. In our organizations, such news spreads like a fire. Atleast a rumour starts floating - that person has resigned and there is a speculation around it. When I told people, they were all caught by surprise. The news was not disclosed to my team for quite sometime, because of the reason that we were still working out the transition plan and the person who would take over from me.

Couple of days back we decided to break the news to the team. We all were sure that everyone would know about it and they would take it in their stride. To my surprise, not a single person knew about it. Infact one of my team members started crying. She could not take the fact that I shall no longer be available. I guess its because of the fact that she has worked with me through out her 3.5 years of tenure here. It took me a while to console her and assure her that everything will be fine. I was touched that someone in my team likes me so much that they were in tears. I thought it would be the other way round. Not only she, another person also came and told me that she is not happy with my leaving. She said that she really felt at ease, discussing all her problems with me. She said that she knew who to turn to, whenever there is a need for a person to hear them out. They knew that they could call me anyday anytime without thinking twice, even if it is on a weekend or in the middle of the night.

While I never liked NCR, but yes, working here as enriched me as a person. It has given me a lot of confidence and ability to handle people. It has given me the love of many team members and I am truly blessed to have worked with such wonderful people here. Another couple of weeks here and then I am off to a new city, new place, with new people starting a new life.. I look forward to it. Hope it turns out to be good.. :-)

Attitude

2010-05-21T15:54:00.001+05:30

Random conversation between two girls on their way to office.

Girl 1 : I am going to complain about this bus driver. Why cant he keep a pen for us to sign the roster.
Girl 2 : But why would he keep a pen for you. You can carry a pen yourself.
Girl 1 : Why should I carry a pen? The bus driver is supposed to carry a pen for us.
Girl 2 : We all are working as professionals and we should be carrying a pen in our bags, rather than expecting the driver to carry it for us.
Girl 1 : Why are you supporting the driver? He doesn’t wait for you when you are late.
Girl 2 : I am not supporting the driver. I am just stating the practical stuff. We carry 100 other things in our bag, so why not a pen which is more important while going to office.
Girl 1 : Its just a 10 Rs pen. Cant the driver afford it. Infact our company gives the pen to everyone.
Girl 2 : Right. So why cant you carry a pen in your bag.
Girl 1 : Why should I carry a pen. I have other important stuff to remember than just to carry a pen in my bag. I will not and I am going to complain about this driver.
Girl 2 : Just think about it .(So much of attitude this girl has. No point in talking to her. Keeps quiet)

What do you think of this conversation?

Randomly

2010-05-11T14:27:00.000+05:30

Life has been on a roller coaster ride for the past many days.. Its been crazy like anything that you can think of. Work has increased many folds and there is too much to do in too little time. Sometimes I feel like a superwoman who is running everywhere to make sure nothing is missed out.

So many events have happened in between about which I want to write, but have not been able to. There was a short trip to Doon and in between I managed to sneak a short drive till Barlowganj, Mussoorie as well.. Mass resignations happening in my office. Client pressure to get the work done, even though the resources are limited. Getting additional resources has its story and its next to impossible. In between all this, I feel like going away on an unplanned leave. I seriously need a vacation where I dont have to worry about any of my personal work or office work... My plans to visit Leh/Kashmir are on since a long time, but I have not been able to find a company.. :-( and this is putting me off like anything! If this was not enough, my health problems continue to woe me. My stomach is just not behaving right. I feel weak all the time. Rather I have lost weight due to this. I want to eat but I am scared to eat.

What I need right now, is a change in my life. I have to work towards it. I need a new house, new job, new place, new people and a good vacation. I hope I am able to come back soon without too much of delay..

Panic Struck

2010-04-16T22:19:00.001+05:30

Coming back after 4 long weeks with such a post!!! Whenever I have to lock the house, its my habit to lock the wooden door and then the grill, which has a net. The wooden door has an inbuilt lock, while we use an external lock on the grill. A week back I locked the house as usual and went to office late in the morning. It was a little windy that day. The day was super busy with back to back meetings and no time to even check the mails, leave alone to attend the phone calls. While having lunch that day, I spoke to Mom about something. So far so good.. While we were having our meeting cum training session, Mom called me again but obviously I couldnt take her call. We have this understanding that if I dont receive a call, it means I am in a meeting. Still if it is something urgent, Mom sends a message. After sometime, we were in the middle of some crucial discussion that I got a call from my neighbour. It startled me. Because its not normal that my neighbour would call me. First I thought not to take the call. But somehow my sixth sense provoked me to take it. I excused myself from the meeting to speak to her. Guess what she had to tell me.

My house was open!! I started shaking that very moment. Hearing so many robbery cases day in and out left me scared. I couldnt utter a word. She said the though the grill is locked, but the wooden door is open and one can see inside the house. I kept on telling her that I locked the house before coming. It cannot be possible that I dont lock both the doors. Even if I go just to buy milk/vegetables/grocery in our society itself, I always lock both the doors. She assured that though nothing seems fishy and she is there to help me. I just couldnt bring myself to normal state. I told her that I am coming. I was almost in tears. All bad thoughts came to my mind in a flash. I excused myself from the training and came home rushing with one of my team member.

All through the way, I kept telling myself 'how can it happen. I locked the door in the morning. How come it is open. It has never been left open like this. How can I be so stupid. What if there was someone inside. Should I go to police station first. What should I go?' The moment I reached home, I called my neighbour and we went inside the house. There was no one. Everything was intact, right in its place. I checked how did the door open. Apparently, when I pulled the wooden door from outside, it didnt lock properly and I had simply keyed in. Since it was a windy day, the wooden door opened while the grill was still locked. I heaved a sigh of relief and thanked God a million times. For a moment, I had lost my balance and was about to break down. Clearly it is not a good sign. I need to be brave enough. But that was a lesson learnt. Now I double check both the doors before leaving. Dont want such a situation arising again ever..

Permanent Commissioning of Women in Armed Forces

2010-03-20T21:51:00.001+05:30

Just when we were still celebrating the passing of women's reservation bill in parliament, came another one.. Women officers can be permanently commissioned in armed forces.. My love for armed forces is no secret.. And now when this news has come up, it has brought a lot of joy to my heart.. Women are still not part of combat forces atleast in India but this is a small step in that direction.. Yes there are reasons given behind it - women are emotionally, physically weaker, they can be sexually assaulted, taken advantage of.. But some of these problems exist with men as well... Still I am not complaining about it right now.. I am happy because government has atleast thought of the contribution made by women officers. They are no less then men and at times perform better than them.. We all know that there is a shortage of officers. I always used to wonder why cant women be allowed permanent commissioning... It will encourage more women to join armed officers plus it will boost the morale of existing women officers..

When I heard this news, I wanted to scream with joy and dance all around. I know I am not a part of the forces, but yes I want to be. I did not write about the women's reservation bill but I am writing about armed forces.. Not that I do not support the bill but armed forces are extremely close to my heart. Many of my friends are amazed, surprised at my knowledge on armed forces.. They wonder from where do I get so much information. Its simple - internet, TV, newspaper, magazines, people - the sources are many, if we are actually interested.. Even now I have this dream of being a part of armed forces.. I know I cant be an officer now.. But with the permanent commissioning of women officers, the day would not be far away when we will see a woman as Chief of these forces.. I think that will be feather in the hat and I shall wait for that day eagerly.. :-) Three cheers to woman power and to our armed forces...

Birthday Pet

2010-03-11T22:42:00.001+05:30

Today is your 13th birthday. How I wish you were with me today. I would have showered all my love on you. We could have spent the day together. Your treat would have been to play in the garden all day along, eat bread and milk and a nice bath in the sun. You would have been allowed to have a biscuit or two as well.. Nobody would have said anything to you. I would have thrown a party for you like always. You would have looked the best just like always.. The darling of all, the most adorable one, the most lovable one, the most beautiful one..

I still remember your drooling eyes which had only love for me. I still remember how you wanted to play with me, first thing in the morning. If I ever missed that, you would be angry with me whole day. How you loved to sit in the winter sun with me under my chair. How you loved to eat oranges with me. Infact you loved to eat all the fruits. How you sat outside the kitchen staring at Mom when you were hungry. How you used to get angry with Mom, when she scolded anyone of us.. I remember you always wanted warm roti. You never liked cold chapatis. Milk was always your favourite. I remember when I didnt want to have milk, I used to give it you and you loved it. You gave me unconditional love, no matter what. Whenever I came from outside, how you used to love me.. You loved running with me around the house, in the garden.. Whenever I watered the plants, how you used to hide in those plants or play with mud..

Even after playing you knew how to clean yourself.. Infact you were always clean.. You were scared to go in the car.. You preferred to walk rather than go on a drive.. You never liked closed spaces.. In summers you would sit next to Nanaji's chair under the fan.. That was your favourite place.. You always slept upside down.. That was your favourite posture.. You loved it when I brushed your coat... Whosoever came to the house, you greeted everyone with love.. May be thats the reason why you were everyone's darling.. Nobody could hold himself back from falling in love with you.. You were my little angel who was always there to listen to me when I wanted someone to just listen to me.. I miss you.. Happy Birthday Snoopy.. Love you a lot..

Blog World

2010-03-03T18:15:00.001+05:30

Sometimes I wonder why do I write here. What does this blog gives me that I devote so much of my time to it. The answer is whenever I am in need to find someone who can listen to me, without being judgmental I find my blog. Writing here gives me peace. Its a place where I can give a vent to my feelings and I shall be heard patiently.

When I started writing here, I had no clue why. Its just that I wanted to write. I used to write diary at one point of time but gave away with it. Initially, I hardly read any blogs.. Even if I did, I did not comment on anyone's post, lest they dont like it. Even if I did, I did not leave my blog's link behind. I had no reason for it, but its just that I did not leave the link to my blog. Slowly when reading/writing became more frequent, I left the link to my blog. May be I did not want others to know about my blog. But then I realized that I write for myself and not anyone else. How does it make a difference as to what people think of my blog/my writing. I write about my life, my feelings, my emotions, my travels, my experiences. It has got nothing to do with anyone.

What I realized later was, people in the internet world are quite receptive. Yes, I did receive some odd/unethical/rude comments which forced me to put the comment moderation 'on'. At the same time, I found a lot of people who could relate to or atleast understand what I am saying. I did not expect anything from them still I felt the support from them. Some people have written such beautiful, comforting words without even knowing me that I am filled with gratitude. Its a kind of unseen friendship and I like it. I am sure I am not going to meet these people ever in my life. Still their comforting words are good to read. Sometimes they act like a balm on my bruises and it gives me relief.

Tomorrow it may happen that no one will understand me on this forum as well, still it will be fine with me. I shall still write for myself.. Still write what I feel. I dont care what others think of me when I write about my feelings, emotions, experiences. After all this is my space and I have the right to use it the way I want to.

Loneliness

2010-03-01T18:35:00.002+05:30

Loneliness is creeping all over me. Its growing like weeds grow in a land left unattended. It laughs at me. I have no clue how to get it out of my life. It has a scary face and it succeeds in scaring me. Everytime I try to find a friend, it stands in front of me to tell me that it will not leave me ever. It has decided to stick to me. It is growing like a virus and refuses to go. I find no cure for it. It is growing in such a way that I am losing interest in everything. I try to develop my interest in life or whatever I do, but eventually it fades away. I losing my balance of mind. I have not played guitar for past many weeks. I have not even gone to the class as well. I have stopped reading. Even my work life is affected. I dont feel like working. The list of to-do things at work place is increasing day by day. I dont feel like eating. I have not even planned my holiday trip for this year and this comes as a surprise to myself. Infact I dont even feel like going on a holiday. I have stopped taking pictures. At one point, I had almost decided on buying a D-SLR but eventually I dropped the idea. I have build a wall around myself. I dont even feel like talking to anyone. I know if I try, all I get is excuses from others. Today I did not wish anyone except Mam.. I only get tears in my eyes when I see people around me.. The feeling is of being lonely in a crowd and its getting worse day by day..

Lonely Holi

2010-02-28T20:35:00.002+05:30

Holi day is about to dawn in less than twelve hours from now.. But I have no joy in my heart.. This is another lonely Holi for me.. Not that I am too enthusiastic about this festival but being absolutely alone on a festival sometimes takes on your mental peace... It seems the colors make a mockery of me.. I see no colors anywhere.. I have not even bought any color.. The customary gulal, Mom used to ask me to buy has also not been bought. I only bought a couple of gujiyas, but cant have them since again my stomach is upset.. Sometimes I wonder why do these festivals come.. It makes me feel even more lonely and depressed.. When I see people around me happy and enjoying with their friends, family I get only tears in my eyes.. Nobody visits me. I know no one.. I dont go anywhere.. I tried going to our society park once, in the hope that I will meet people there and have some fun.. I came back as clean as I went.. Not a single shade of color on me.. I have nothing to do tomorrow. Its just a holiday for me. The guitar class is also not there, otherwise I would have spent some time there.. Now the only thing on my mind is, I shall practice guitar at home.. If my stomach is better, then I shall have a bite of gujiya otherwise it shall be distributed..

On a side note, the pain has subsided.. It occurs sometimes but the frequency is less and the degree as well. I have not seen the doctor yet.. I guess there is nothing to worry about..

The heart aches....

2010-02-14T21:39:00.001+05:30

Yes, you got that right.. The heart is aching.. Ironically, today on valentine's day I am not talking about the emotional pain(which is always there and is here to stay forever, I guess) but the physical pain... There is a pain in the heart that I feel.. I have had this pain previously as well but not at this level.. For the past few days, I get this pain very frequently.. The pain lasts for a few seconds.. During that time, I am not able to breathe properly.. I open my mouth and try to gasp as much air as possible.. I get restless.. I get sweat on my forehead.. I stroke myself at that time.. My eyes go blank.. Once the pain goes, it takes me a few minutes to get back to normal.. I have to take deep breaths.. I have noticed that this is happening almost every day now.. And not just once a day but more than that... Yesterday was worst.. It happened almost 4-5 times... Infact at one time, I was driving and I was alone.. Thank God at that time, it was not too much otherwise I dont know what would have happened. Its possible that there is nothing but the pain in those few seconds is unbearable.. I am contemplating whether I should go and see a doctor.. May be I am over-reacting and its because of some acidity.. May be there is a blockage.. May be there is absolutely nothing at all.. I dont know how I should react to it. Is it some indication or is it nothing.. I am prepared for everything and anything that is to come along.. Bring it on..

The effects teachers have!!!

2010-02-11T13:16:00.000+05:30

Few days back, I was feeling very low.. Yes, there were reasons behind it but I had no control over them, nor my heart which was crying.. The tears refused to stop, no matter how much I tried. I guess, the glands are still active negating my thinking that they have dried up. I was sitting alone and didnt know what to do.. At that time, I only needed a person whom I could talk to. Instantly I dialed Mam's number. Few minutes of chatting with her and I felt so light and at peace. I did not tell her about any problem, but talking to her gave me peace. The heart breaking feelings are still there, but that day she made me feel so much better.

She never taught me in the school. Infact I joined this school much later. She is a junior school teacher. Never even saw her in the school, though I knew about her. I never interacted with her. She never knew me all the while I was a student, but destiny brought us together. A lost-in-touch friend of mine, who was her student, introduced me to her. I developed an instant liking to her. I knew her as a brave woman. I had always admired her even before meeting her. May be because I was aware about her hardships in life, which were very similar to Mom's...

But whatever be the case, I started sharing with her everything. First time when we met, it didnt seem like the first time. It was, as if we knew each other since long. I still remember the lovely lunch that she cooked for me. She gives me all her love and affection unconditionally. She listens to me. She guides me. She lets me be just me. She advises me. She understands me. She gives me the freedom to think. She supports me. Whenever I go to Doon, meeting her is always on my agenda. I feel guilty/sad if I am not able to meet her, while I am there. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get so much love from her. At a time, when I was getting all the pressure to get married unconvincingly, she was even ready to talk to my family.

Now also, I know if I am restless or bothered, whom do I have to turn to. I feel secured in her company. She has some amazing way to sense my restlessness. She will not say anything specifically but still she will put me to rest.. She is my savior. I truly feel blessed to have her in my life. I love you, Mam..

Missing you..

2010-02-07T17:05:00.003+05:30

As I walk in the dark, my eyes look for you. My heart is pounding fast against my chest. My breath is heavy. My pulse is high. I am scared. I am alone. I am sad. I look back only to see that there is no one. Yet I hope that there was someone. I want to hold your hand. I want you to comfort me. I need your shoulder to lean on. I need your arms to wrap around me. The hug, the smile. The assurance, the trust.

The tears well up everytime I see myself alone. The heart becomes restless. It is constantly looking for you in the crowd. Waiting for you, so that once you will come up to me and tell me how much you love me.. You will put me at ease. You will tell me that you are there for me. I want to see you when I wake up in the morning. I want to watch the stars in the night with you. I want to take a walk with you on a moonlit night on the beach. I want to feel the wind on my face and in my hair with you. I want to dance in the rain with you. I feel like to cuddle up with you under a warm duvet on a cold, winter evening.

I will know that you are there to support me whenever I will fall. I will be there to turn around the world for you, when things go wrong. I want you to come back to me whenever you need someone. We will share our dreams, we will build our memories, we will fight together against all odds and emerge as winners. We will come back home to each other, only to find solace in each other's company. We will have those small arguments, yet the love will remain. An occassional distance from each other, will make our hearts go fonder. We will chat till wee hours of the morning. We will not close our eyes, since that means we will not see each other. Whenever we will close our eyes, we will only see our faces. We will be proud of our achievements and yet hold each other whenever the other is about to fall. We will be the strongest support, whenever we will need one. But where are you....

[I am on an emotional high and these thoughts are running through my mind. :-(]

Milky Way

2010-01-29T15:20:00.000+05:30

I love milk. Do I sound like a kitten or a small pet who loves drinking milk.. I am like that.. Milk is a staple part of my diet. Every morning, without fail, I have to drink a big mug full of milk. I can do away without having breakfast or eating anything throughout the day, but milk is a must. But at the same time, I can drink milk only in the morning. I cant have milk in the night even it is to save my life.

There is a list of specifications that come with it though.. First one is the taste of the milk. I dont drink any milk that is available. It should not smell at all. There is a specific taste of milk that I like, otherwise I cant drink it. I dont drink milk of any brand available. There are just a few brands that I can consume. Then there is a differentiation between cow milk and buffalo milk. Next is the specification with regard to the texture: full cream, toned or double toned.. Wait, there is more to add. I dont put anything in the milk, not even sugar.. Its plain simple milk... Occasionally I may drink cold coffee but then its cold coffee only. I am not a hot coffee person.. Now the last thing about my requirement. I dont like hot milk. It has to be cold milk. Even in winters, I dont drink hot milk. The maximum that I do is, make it luke warm. Now how can I forget such an important thing about milk.. There should be no foreign article in the milk, which means there cannot be any cream.. I pass the milk through the sieve atleast twice, to make sure there are not even traces of cream present in it. One look at cream and I cant have that milk.

That looks to be a big list of the kind of milk that I drink. Having said that, whenever I am on a trip to a new place, I miss milk. Many a times I dont get milk in the morning and it becomes difficult for me eat anything else then. During my recent trip to Rajasthan, we didnt get any milk while we were in Jaisalmer. The first thing that I had, when I reached the station was grab a bottle of Amul Cool Milk. Only I know how satisfied I was after having that. There were other brands available but I didnt want to take any chances with the taste. Once we were in Jodhpur, I had a big glass of milk everyday in the breakfast. I loved it..

So now you can see how much I love milk. Even my relatives know that I drink milk everyday in the morning, even though I may skip breakfast. Do I sound crazy? Its ok.. A person who loves milk is not very easy to find, I guess. I am yet to meet one.

Truth

2010-01-18T20:54:00.001+05:30

Read this in the newspaper and found it to be very true...

Q : What is man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Warmth

2010-01-13T22:13:00.003+05:30

A bit of warmth in the icy, cold winter season....

Royal Rajasthan

2010-01-12T21:03:00.003+05:30

So I went on the last vacation of 2009 in the last week of the year.. From Christmas till new year.. and what better place could be to celebrate the holidays than our royal Rajasthan.. The places were Jaisalmer and Jodhpur. I went to Jodhpur a year back as well when 2009 was about to dawn, and knowing how wonderful the city is, I had no inhibitions in going there again.

The trip started with a roller coaster ride since I was late in planning for it. Still we managed to get the hotels booked, but the problem was the train tickets. No flight tickets were available and even the train tickets were done at the last moment and that also in sleeper class. Phew!! Its been ages since I traveled in sleeper.. Considering the winters, I knew its going to be tough for both Mom and me. The train stopped at such small stations in Rajasthan, I had never heard about before. The advantage of travelling in the sleeper class was that I got the chance to click some photographs..

After a long 18 hour train journey, we finally reached Jaisalmer and boy!! I had my heart in my mouth when I stepped out of the station. It was a beautiful, small station with intricate carvings done in the white sandstone and no coolies around to help you with your luggage.. Reached the hotel - Pithla Haveli. The first day/night was at the Sand dunes. I had heard a lot about the dunes, had seen umpteen pictures and had a dream of visiting them once. And it was a dream come true. The sand dunes were amazingly beautiful. The camel ride, sitting on the dunes, watching the sunset was a beautiful experience. The evening was spent with a bonfire and watching Rajasthani cultural dance and music program. The night was spent in the tents under warm duvets in the silence of the dunes. Its a different experience and I loved it. Next two days we spent exploring the small city of Jaisalmer - The fort, havelis, gadisar lake, Jain temple, silver jewellery, handicrafts, sandstone crafts, rajasthani food which consisted of Kadhi, gatte ki sabzi, kair sangri, bajre ki roti, dali, baati, choorma, kachori.. Everywhere all I could see was beautifully carved white sandstone which gives the look of wood - so intricate, symmetrical and so beautiful.

After spending three days in Jaisalmer, we were off to the blue city of Rajasthan -Jodhpur. I had fell in love with this city last year and was in the same enthusiasm this time as well. The stay was at Shriram Excellency hotel. True to its name, quite a decent hotel... In Jodhpur, I went beserk with shopping.. It seemed Mom's whole and sole purpose of visiting the city was to shop, shop and shop more.. and Yes, the city is a paradise for those who want to shop.. so there were sarees, suits, jootis, bags, bangles bought for self and as gifts for various people... Saw the beautiful Mehrangarh fort and the blue city from its ramparts.. The sunset again was beautiful in the city. New year eve was celebrated at the Air Force Station. The officers, ladies and the kids, lovely decor in the lawns. It was chilly but still it was nice. Danced till the new year dawned. The best part about attending parties in such places is that even if someone is drunk, they know how to behave themselves. No cheap crowd where you save yourself from a touch here or a brush there.. The food again was Rajasthani. Chakke ki sabzi, naan, veg jodhpuri, kadhi pakodi, halwa, mawa kachori, dal... The whole week I had Rajasthani food and I was not tired of it. Absolutely finger licking, lip smacking and mouth watering food..

All in all it was a great trip. I had the time of my life eating, shopping, roaming, relaxing and soaking the beauty of the dessert and the sand. It is a must visit place if you havent till now.. Rajasthan's royal beauty - where you feel like a queen just like those who lived there once...

Thought

2010-01-08T11:28:00.003+05:30

Give my some sunshine
Give me some rain
Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again!!!

- 3 idiots

The year that was and is...

2010-01-06T22:56:00.000+05:30

Almost a decade of this century is over now.. And it seems to have flew by, considering that I am still thinking about the year 2000 which was quite eventful for me.. Now when I sit back and think about all these years gone, I dont know whether I have lost more or gained more... I know for sure that I have lost much more than I ever thought in terms of relationship(s), but yes I gained a lot of confidence, grew professionally, traveled a lot and have become independent.

I have seen almost each and every aspect of relation that exists. I met a lot of people during this phase and learnt something or the other from each one of them.. Some turned into good friends - friends for life, some just passed by as acquaintances while I have lost touch with most of them.. with some, nothing happened.. Well, all that is part of the game...

Now when I look back at 2000, I wonder what my life would have been if I had not accepted that job offer in Pune.. Would I have still been in Doon or somewhere else.. What would I have been doing?? I know that I always wanted to work.. Looking at the past few years, now I want a break and that also a long one. I want to be at a place where I am at peace. Every year when it dawns, I hope that I dont lose any more relationships.. I have had enough in terms of losing out on them.. Every year I hope that my heart comes to rest and my mind is at peace..

Yes, the loneliness is creeping all over me and sometimes it laughs at me in the silence of darkness.. but I have somehow manage to struggle with it and try to smile.. Sometimes I feel that I am not myself and with each passing year, the distance between me and I is increasing. Like every year, this year also I hope that the sadness inside me dies and start getting happy all over again. I hope I dont lose any more relations... I seriously dont want to... All the best to me.. Amen!!!

Dhan Ta Nan!!!

2010-01-04T21:30:00.002+05:30

Its time to rub our hands in glee
We have something for you, dear MTBs
Little baby’s on the way,
Getting bigger every day,
Two tiny feet that will wave in the air
Two tiny hands that will tug at your hair
But before that there is some work for you.
The best we can do, is give you a clue!

Voicing this clue is pretty asaan -
Go looking for a blogger who’s a fitness fan,
Mother of four and a stylish woman.
Also, let me add, she belongs to the money-saver clan.
Good work there, you are one step closer
Take a bow and move on to the next composer.

Food, Food, Good food

2009-12-21T18:25:00.001+05:30

I look like to be on a good food trip.. But thats how I am... I am a BIG foodie and crave for good food all the time, everytime, everywhere... I can easily figure out what makes a dish delicious and can easily point out the difference between good food and average food.. I may not know all the details of the ingredients or the method of preparing, in short the recipe, but I know what food will be good...

One can put this on the fact that my Mom has been a cookery teacher plus she has been a judge at various cookery contests.. I guess some of the genes have got transferred. I am quite adventurous when it comes to trying different cuisines.. And no I am not just talking about Indian cuisines but international as well. Infact whenever I go out, I love to try something new, specially international..

Most of the people I have come across want to eat the same old boring menu when they go out: Dal Makhani/Kaali Dal/Maa ki dal or whatever it is, naan or tandoori roti, some paneer dish, raita, salad.. I completely abhor this menu, specially Dal Makhani.. I can never ever eat that.. I abhor it to the core.. I would rather go and try something exotic and new.. This is one of the reason that when I travel, I first enquire about the speciaility of the place in terms of food and where I can get it, authentic one... One of the reasons I dont enjoy the popular Chinese food made at most of the places.. It doesnt have that flavour which I look for..

I went to Kerala and had awesome Kerala stuff.. Not even once I had sambhar, idli, dosa, vada - the typical south indian menu that we generally get.. But I had some authentic vegetarian Kerala dish and they were simply delicious. Similar thing happened when I went to Jaipur or Hyderabad or Goa.. If I am simply going out for lunch or dinner here, I will never eat typical Indian food.. I go for something that I had not tried before. In this process, I have had some amazing Continental, Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Israeli, Japanese, South East Asian Food.. Even when I went abroad I tried their local cuisine. I still cant get over the amazing food I had at Annapurna in Malaysia or the Chinese food in Singapore or the scrumptious English Breakfast in UK.. It wasnt at all what I had tasted before and it was simply delicious...

I dont eat to live but I love to eat.. If I come to know about a new restaurant that has opened in the city, I eagerly wait to try their food. Ofcourse, its not always that the food turns out to be good.. I have had bad experiences as well, but that what it takes to differentiate between good food and not so good food.. I think I should be a food guide..

Have I become a Chef

2009-12-17T17:04:00.001+05:30

I have started cooking on a regular basis since quite sometime. Whatever be the reason, but I have started it. I used to wonder what kind of cook will I turn out to be.. I had not done regular cooking before. But once I started it and that also alone, I realized that I have it in me. I know what spices to put in what vegetables, how to make the vegetables taste different and nice.

As a child, I used to run away from the kitchen. I never liked the idea of cooking, but I was always up for eating good food.. Even when my mom tried to teach me a thing or two about cooking, I never took any interest. Even she never forced, may be thinking that eventually I will learn or it was not so important at that point of time.

Now when I started cooking occasionally when Mom was not around, I never had any difficulty. I could cook easily. There were so many things I learnt from Mom unknowingly. Finely chopped vegetables, almost zero oil/ghee, soft parathas/roti and thin as well, retaining the original color of the vegetables. Each and every dish that I cook look as beautiful, delicious and delectable as Mom's; not to forget, they even taste the same. Be it simple matar paneer, cakes, puddings, corn-paneer korma, gatte ki sabzi, methi malai matar, poha, upma, stuffed parathas of different varieties... You name it and I know it.. I remember as a teenager sometimes I used to make plain rice. My Nanaji could easily figure out, that it was me who cooked the rice. He always said that I make the perfect rice. Each and every grain is soft and separated.

When Mom came back from Mumbai a few months back, the lunch was already ready.. She couldnt help but praise, how tasty the food is.. I felt so nice, especially since it came from Mom, who is known to have really high standard in cooking. She does not passes anyone so easily in their cooking.. But now I knew that if Mom is saying then it must be really good.. Even my colleagues at the lunch table, cant figure who prepared my lunch box... Mom's and my vegetables look the same.. :-) I feel so nice about it. Mom is one of the best cooks, I have ever come across.. I am saying this, not just because everyone says about their Mom, but because its the truth and accepted by whosoever has eaten food cooked by her.. So when I see traces of her cooking skills present in me, I can only feel on top of the world... A pat on my back!!!

Mussoorie Craving

2009-12-09T22:07:00.004+05:30

I went to my hometown around 10 days back for some urgent work.. I could not have a real vacation, no matter how much I wanted to have.. The trip was just a weekend one and quite a hectic one. But this time and also during last few trips, there has been a urge inside me to visit the 'Queen of Hills' - Mussoorie, every time I go to Dehra Dun... I am surprised at myself for this sudden wanting to go there...

As a child it never lured me.. Infact my last visit to Mussoorie was around 12-13 years back... During my whole life time, I have been there just 5-6 times.. Not more than that.. While people who visited Doon, craved about going to Mussoorie, it never excited me at all.. I was happy sitting in Doon watching those hills from my bedroom window - during summers, during night and during winters after heavy snowfall.. Beyond that nothing.. But now suddenly I have this craving to go to Mussoorie. I want to go there and see what all has changed.. What still remains the same.. I want to walk through the clouds.. want to experience that chill in the air and simply walk aimlessly on its roads...

Its strange and I think I am crazy to have this feeling, but I want to go there.. Who knows, next time when I visit Doon, I might end up being in Mussoorie for a day... Oh, if you ask me about Doon - it was lovely as usual.. Beautiful winter sun and cold evenings... I loved those two hectic days... In between a short trip to Rishikesh happened, again for some urgent work...Here is one of the pic that I clicked in Rishikesh...

Being a loser...

2009-12-04T13:15:00.000+05:30

all the time, everywhere, in everything makes you lose life.. Thats where I currently stand. I have reached a stage in life, wherein I have a firm belief that nothing can ever go right for me. No matter how much effort I put in, how much I want it badly, how much I work towards it, I am not meant for it at all. It seems as if, life has decided to pull me down and put me in the deepest of dumps whenever I try to get up and take a hold on myself. Even the tears have refused to well up in my eyes. Either they have dried or my eyes have refused to cry anymore.. I have started reaching a stage where sometimes, nothing effects me nor do I feel anything.. Am I turning into a stone. I dont want to. I want my feelings to remain intact, but somehow its not happening. I seem to be losing myself with every passing day. The smile is fading away. There is no expression on the face. I appear as a stone hearted person who is not moved by any event. I dont want to be like that. I want my faith to be intact. I dont want to lose trust. I dont want to give up. But its not happening. I need a respite and a break from everyone and everything.

As I ...

2009-11-25T22:56:00.002+05:30

...enter into another year of life, I sit back and think what exactly does this day holds for me. Even after a lot of thinking I dont get any reply... I have no excitement or any emotions attached with this day. For me its just another day, which I spend alone, all by myself, working in office, coming back to an empty house, eating alone and then off to sleep... I have accepted it, the way it has been..

But today I am thankful to my boss for taking us to a coffee shop and giving us a surprise treat for my birthday... A few people who claim to be my friend, did not wish and yes, I did get some unexpected wishes.. Thanks to all those who wished.

Performance vs. Progression

2009-11-20T14:36:00.001+05:30

As far as I remember, I have written on this controversial topic before as well. Why I am writing again on the same subject is a different story.

As always the team members are eager to know about their progressions/promotions. More than them, its me who is eager to know who all shall be promoted. Its not just their succession, but mine as well in a different way. While we do have the reasons when the team members are not promoted, there are times when we dont. How do we explain that when there are just 2 vacancies and we have almost 10 eligible candidates, that it becomes really difficult to pick and choose those 2 candidates. This happens everywhere. One or the other candidate will have that 0.1 point extra than the other which makes him win the next position.

But at the end of the day, its the manager who feels bad. Somewhere down the line, its an achievement for the manager when his team progresses. The point that I am trying to list down here is, whenever a team member of mine is not progressed, then its me who is more affected than them. Somehow I feel that I failed somewhere thats why they did not progress. At times, I feel helpless as well. Like the situation I mentioned above. Its difficult to make them understand that they may not be less than others, but there are decisions taken, which are not even in our hands.

Also we all know that not everyone becomes a CEO of a company. A lot depends on the kind of work a person does, but yes, luck plays a significant role in our lives. Sometimes I see myself in the same situation few years ago. There were times when I deserved the promotion, even the client sent the recommendation but due to 'Organization and Business Decisions', it was not done. At that time, even I used to feel bad. It is a circle, which makes you feel bad whether you are a manager or a team member. I wish there was an easy way out, somewhere, somehow.... Is there?

Come November

2009-11-11T17:40:00.001+05:30

and I start getting butterflies and feeling anxious.. More than one reason to feel like this. Till sometime ago, I used to eagerly wait for this month. The season changes and it announces the onset of winter. Diwali festival. My birthday. Another year is close to coming to an end. When the sunlight does not seem harsh and we like the warmth of it.

But now things have changed. I do not like the onset of November anymore. This month makes me realize that I have grown another year older and have become more lonelier. It seems like a rant here, but thats what the space is meant for. Its my space. This month also tells me that another year has passed in my current job. Why dont I feel happy here? Happiness may be a state of mind but your mind needs to be in place for it.. Isnt it.. I feel miserable now, when November comes. Dont want it to come anymore. I want it to remove from the calendar completely. An insane wish to ask for!! Let it be..

Gone forever

2009-10-30T21:26:00.004+05:30

My favourite umpire of all times - David Shepherd is no more. The moment I read this news yesterday, tears welled up in my eyes.. He succumbed to cancer at the age of 68 years. :-(

I have grown up watching him on the cricket field. There are matches which I have watched only because he was the umpire. It was fun to watch cricket only because he was the umpire. He and Steve Bucknor made the best pair on the ground as umpires. I used to love watching these two together on the ground, umpiring a match. David was someone whom I just lovedand adored. His acts, expressions made him such a lovable person. Many a times he reminded me of a Santa Claus. I will still take sometime to digest that he is no more.

Rest in peace David. We love you...

Marriages and Horo(r)scopes

2009-10-27T14:46:00.001+05:30

So here comes my pet topic again - Marriage. Ever since I completed my graduation 11 years back, my Mom has been eager to marry me off. Very natural, like every other parent, she wants to see me happy and settled with some nice boy. So the search on war scale started. Discussed with friends, relatives. Tried contacting through newspaper, giving ads, agencies and even the matrimonial sites. But as luck would have it, nothing ever materialized anywhere...

Many a times things were very close to be finalized, but then something or the other happened and it never happened. May be it was not suppose to happen. I have no regrets. At that time, I was not so keen also on getting married. Somewhere down the line, I knew that it wont happen in early 20s.. May be it was my 6th sense..

I found a job and it kept me on my toes with no time left to think about anything. My Mom still continued with her search and was very hopeful.. But as the years progressed, she started feeling dejected at every rejection. I could very well understand her state of mind. Not that she had any high hopes, nor did I. Infact most of the times, things did not even reach me. She does believes in horoscope a lot and according to that, my stars are a little tough. But she was also told that once I cross the age of 27, things would be fine. Still she kept trying..

Now I am 31. Still single. Till few years back, I thought that things are fine and I can manage life, the way it is. Like always, I take life as it comes. No big plans, no high hopes. Just a plain, simple, happy life is what I wish for. I was not serious about marriage before, but now I am. I know what it is to be lonely, when all you need is a hug, a hand to hold, someone to talk to.. A very close school friend of mine asked me to send my horoscope to her. She wanted to help me to find if there is something that could be done. I thought when we have tried all other methods, lets try this one as well. There is no harm in it. Well, the person she showed it to, told her that I have some really bad and tough stars (something I knew already).. He also said that if I dont get married in another 1-1/2 years then it will be really really really difficult in the future. :-)

I didnt know how to react. Its difficult to explain. Not that I completely believe in it, but the way things have been, its forcing me to believe in it. For me marriage is bringing about two souls together who compliment and complete each other. Its the sense of togetherness and the love for each other that matters the most. To have someone next to you, who loves you and whom you can love and care for, holds a lot of importance in life. And to take this relationship forward, one does gets married. Its just a way of being together and be there for each other.. The sheer thought of being lonely for the rest of the life, is threatening. You may have an absolutely loving family and very close friends, but at the end of the day, you do need that someone special. As of now, my hopes seem to die down. I dont want it to happen, but I am forced to believe in it. Its breaking me slowly inside. With every piece breaking, the pain grows and there seems to be no respite....

Ye dooriyan

2009-10-18T12:21:00.001+05:30

Yeh dooriyan

In raho ki dooriyan

Nigahon ki dooriyan

Humraho ki dooriyan

Fanna ho sabhi dooriyan

- Love Aaj Kal.

Himalayas Lap : Himachal

2009-10-07T22:19:00.007+05:30

Finally I went on a vacation of this year last week. and boy!! what a trip it was.. Till last Friday, we were not sure of the place and also how will we go... moreover, whether we will be able to go or not.. It was supposed to be an all girls trip... Myself, my friend's wife, wife's sister and mother.. I had spoken to his wife quite a lot of times before but never got a chance to meet her.. The moment we met, we clicked.. Same goes for her family. It never seemed even once that we were meeting for the first time..

What transpired in the next seven days is beyond anyone's imagination.. Aunty is one of the most humble and friendly person I have ever met in my life. I never knew that I would hit off so instantly with her.. Friend's wife's sister is one of the most adorable and cute kid I have seen. She is a complete entertainer in herself. We went to Chandigarh first, got a warm welcome in a huge house in Chandimandir, which is the Cantt of Chandigarh.. Saw Rock Garden and Sukhna Lake.. It was a tiring trip around the Rock Garden but worth it. Its amazing, how someone can create such beautiful structures out of things we call as waste.. Hats off to Nek Chand for coming up with this brilliant idea and getting the Rock Garden created.

The next stop was amidst the lap of himalayas - Himachal Pradesh. Our first destination was Dharamshala/Mcleodganj. The trip by road was a smooth drive. While driving, we passed through Naya Nangal - the place where I have spent initial days of my childhood before we moved to Dehra Dun. Memories of days spent there, flashed past my eyes.. I became so nostalgic crossing the out-skirts of the city. I remembered that railway track vividly. The city has changed so much. Its been more than two decades since I went to that city...

The stop was Dharamshala where we stayed at YOL Cantt. Uncle had made sure that room bookings were done at all the places and in the best of the rooms.. This was the first time I stayed in Army Cantt, though I have stayed in Naval and Air Force Base previously. Considering my love and passion for the armed forces, it was the perfect place to be at.. I got the five star treatment. A beautiful room with an equally beautiful view and with 24 hours service at our beck and call.. The air was fresh and smelled nice. The lovely mist rising from the mountains, the sun playing hide and seek in the clouds, the clouds rising and engulfing the himalayan range, the colorful flowers blooming everywhere.. It was a dream. I could spend my life there.. Our stop was Dharamshala, where we stayed and then we roamed around the city visiting various places - War Memorial, Chamunda Devi Temple, Norbulingka Institute -the best monastery and a must visit place.

We drove uptil Mcleodganj and walked up and down the main road soaking in the beauty of the place and capturing as much as we could in our cameras and memories.

Two days over and we were off to Dalhousie - another breathtaking place.. The road trip to Dalhousie is a picturesque one. Its even better than the route to Dharamshala.
At times, you stop and think - Am I on this earth or is it heaven.. All you could see was green pastures, blue mountains, different wild flowers in the most exotic colors and variety, clear blue sky with white fluffy clouds, with sun playing among them.. I could not decide which part of the route was better than the other.. The only thing that was a drawback was my incompetency to deal with travel on such high terrains(which is actually not so high as well).. I was nauseatic all the way to Dalhousie. But once I was there, my eyes were wide open and I was again ready to soak in the beauty of the place. The stay was at 323 Brigade. And this time, it was a suite.. Can it get any better than this.. Staying in a Army Cantt and that also in a suite meant for Brigadiers and above.. The weather was at its best and it was pleasantly cold - something that I love. We roamed on the streets of Dalhousie gasping at the breath taking view every moment. The main attraction was the tiny market in one of the most tiny lanes I have ever seen and you get everything, one can ask for, under the sun.. We spent a day there and then it was bag packs. One thing that I really liked about the Himachal was : No polythene bags were used anywhere. Everywhere, people use pretty paper bags.. Another thing: None of the products sold are 'Made in China', which was such a big relief. Considering that the people in these places were mostly from Tibet, there were posters of Anti-China everywhere.. It was so nice to buy stuff 'Made in India'.

The next stop was Patiala - the place where my friend actually belonged to. We were given a warm welcome by my friend's Grandmother and their lovable labrador pet - Tasha. Nani was as affectionate as Aunty. She made sure that the meals were ready for us whenever we wanted and Aunty made sure to take me around the city and buy the best of the stuff, something that I proudly possess now. A day in Patiala and we were ready to go back to Chandigarh and spend a day there before the vacation ended. Late night chats, awesome food, pulling each others' legs, jokes, laughter - it was the perfect vacation one could ask for.. How one week went by, we didn’t even come to know..

It was a dream vacation for me. Infact I had not thought it to be so great even in my dream.. I dont have enough words to thank Aunty and Uncle for organizing such a wonderful trip for me. I was a complete stranger to them before this trip. They are the most humble, hospitable and loving people I have met. I sometimes wonder, how come I always have the best of vacations when I am staying with friends - whether it was in UK, Jodhpur or this time. Everyone made me feel so special.. My heart is filled with gratitude towards them and I have lovely memories of the trip.. and yeah, how can I forget the lovely gift given by Aunty just when we were about to come back home, much to my surprise. Thanks Aunty, Uncle for giving me such a wonderful vacation. Now I look forward to our Leh/Srinagar trip next year..

Hum Sab Kaminey...

2009-09-21T15:25:00.002+05:30

A random conversation happened with a friend after a very long time. The only reason for being out of touch was, he was in an area where the mobiles didnt work. So the moment he reached a place, where the signals were good enough to have conversation, we chatted. And what a conversation it was. An excerpt from it.

Friend : Hey, how have you been?
Me : Good good.. You tell me.. You have been missing all this while. What all is happening.
Friend : You know, I will not have any great story to share. I was simply exploring the mountains and jungles. Somehow I am alive and surviving.
Me : Hmm.. I know.. Your job is such. Sometimes it gets tough. I was wondering here where you have been.
Friend : Still you like my job!!!
Me : Yes I do.. Thats one of my passion and you know that.
Friend : But then why do you speak so much against all of us most of the times.
Me : Because the kind of act that you all do. Spoil the reputation of this esteemed organization.
Friend : C’mon. Not everyone is like that.
Me : Alright, lets see. When are you introducing me to one of your friend? Let me see how he turns out.
Friend : No no.. You are a very nice girl. Yahan sab saale kaminey hain.
Me : To hum kaun sa seedhe hain. Hamari arzoo bhi to kamini hai..
(I am not translating this into English, just to make sure that the fun part remains).
Friend : !!!!!!!!

He loved it and then he decided that he is going to use this line at some time...

Lappy Tappy

2009-09-20T22:42:00.003+05:30

Past few days have been spent on spending on myself exclusively. So while one can make out from the blog, that I have been indulging in getting things done for myself, here is another one to add.

I had waited for it so very long. Searched for it. Went and asked so many people.. I was confused, in a big dilema, whether I should go for it not. I got quite a negative response from everywhere, rather I should say that no response was lucrative enough that would make me go for it.. At some time I had made up my mind that I can do without it, but then again I wanted it badly. Started my search all over again and with full enthusiasm. I didnt want a disappointment this time.

I thoroughly searched and did my homework. Found out each and every detail and then made the comparisons. Finally I decided that I have to go for it. So, finally I asked for it and waited anxiously for it. Had umpteen conversation with the middle man, just to make sure that I am getting the best deal, something that I shall enjoy having with me for sometime atleast.. So Ladies and Gentlemen, here it is.. My first laptop - Dell Inspiron.. Navy blue color..

I fell in love with it, they moment it arrived. This is the best I could get with the constraints that I had regarding my budget, specifications, requirements, wants.. I like it and hopefully, this should help me to blog more often.

Have a look at it..

Socially Networking

2009-09-14T15:08:00.000+05:30

A few days back, after a discussion which resulted into an argument with the Boss, left me upset. The discussion was obviously related to work where in there are no issues and thats what her issue was.. Weird, it can get sometimes...

Anyways, the discussion/argument got over.. I cribbed for the rest of the day. First thing, when I reached home, was to open one of the social networking sites and put up the status, which clearly mentioned that I had a bad day due to an argument with the boss and how I hate the managers... This was my way of giving vent to my anger and pleasing myself…

Well, the status did create a few sparks.. I got a message from one of my dearest cousin, saying that I should not put such message as my status, lest it is read by people and mis-understood. It can prove dangerous. While, I dont deny his point, the sole reason for putting the message, was to release my feelings which I could not tell anyone. And yeah, the way we all use these sites, anyone can easily track our daily routine and follow our lives…

Sometimes, I do feel the danger around it.. The question is, is it worth taking the risk – the risk could be bigger than what I have put here.. Putting your professional and personal life at stake, we sometimes get so hooked to these sites. While I am not as regular as other people who update it almost every or couple of hours about their status, but yes, I do try to update it once in a day or once in two days… Still, it generates a lot of curiosity among the friends and others who are able to see the profile. I remember, once I had put the status as: ‘Looking forward to a new life, new beginning’ and everyone thought that I am getting married, much to my amusement…

Such is the influence of these sites. Being open to the whole world and letting them sneak into our thoughts, feelings, updates, statuses.. But I guess, thats the price we all pay, if we are so 'social'... Isnt it..

Me - The Guitarist

2009-09-06T17:56:00.002+05:30

So I have been away for a while (again).. I do wish to post regularly since its my blog and I want to and its close to my heart, but!!!

Anyway, the big good thing that happened in the last few days is that I have started learning guitar.. Yes, something about which I blogged a while ago.. Finally, the classes have started and I am loving every bit of it. I bought the new guitar as well. Yamaha C40 to start with.. Its a classical guitar which means it has nylon strings... I love my guitar and the classes are even better.. I am still getting used to the strings, frets, fingers, notes, tabs...

I was given a choice whether I simply want to learn the songs or go the real way of learning music by getting to know about the tabs, notes and then songs.. I chose the second one.. Unless I understand the notes, whats the point of learning just the songs.. But yes, it requires a lot of practice.. My hand is good with the use of fingers, but I still need to get used to plectrum or the pick... My left hand aches since you have press the correct fret and then play the string with the right hand.. A lot of co-ordination and patience is needed.. I am quite slow when I play it but I am happy that atleast I have started what I really wanted to do...

I have always been in awe of people who can play some musical instrument specially guitar.. My teacher has told me not to leave the classes in between which generally happens with most of the students, since they are not able to cope with the patience needed to learn it.. I have started recognising the notes, for how long the note should sustain, when I am supposed to give a rest, half a note and a quarter note.. Wow.. This post is full of guitar lingo which only people familiar with the instrument would understand..

In the interest of the time and keeping in mind my super busy schdule, I have taken up weekend classes. This also makes sure that I am regular and I can adjust the time accordingly... Also I drive down to the music school.. So I get to practice the driving as well.. So much has started happening in the last few months... I guess life is moving on fine as of now.. I hope so..

Love, Hospitality = Feed more.

2009-08-13T16:12:00.001+05:30

After a small hiatus, I am back.. I do try to be regular here but!!! During my last trip to Dehra Dun, I managed to sneak some time and go to Chandigarh to meet one of my cousins, who recently had a baby. I had met her family couple of times before also and I knew that they were extremely warm, hospitable and nice people to be with..

Not to sound harsh, but sometimes too much warmth and hospitality gets on your nerves. During every meal, I literally had to grab my plate and put it under the table for the fear of being asked to eat more than I could. I do understand when the hosts try to make the guests feel comfortable and yeah a little bit of force to take one extra bhatura, roti, some more vegetables or rice or curry.. But putting it forcibly on someone's plate and then expect them to eat is sometimes too much.

For a person like me, who is a small eater as well as a fast eater, the problem becomes two fold. Everytime someone checks my plate, they think that I am not eating since I am either shy or I didnt like the food. Well, I dont know how to explain the fact that I can eat very fast and there is a limit upto which I can eat. No matter how tasty the food is, I cannot over-eat even a single morsel than what my appetite is. I get very uneasy after that, upto the point of throwing up. But obviously, I cant explain this to anyone, lest people misunderstand me..

I know when someone is my guest, I do ask them to eat once, twice, thrice but I never force them to the point where I feel the person will feel uncomfortable after eating. After all, we all know how much we can eat and how much our stomach can hold. If you forcibly feed a person more than they can eat, it is no way of showing your love and hospitality. Let the guest eat and be comfortable with the amount they want to. Do ask them time and again but dont force them. There is a fine line here and sometimes we tend to ignore that.. It may seem that I am ranting against hospitality but no, I am not. I just want to put my point across to say that please dont force feed me. I shall eat the amount that I want to and to my heart's content. You force feed me, and I shall run away from you...

Rains in Doon

2009-07-31T23:28:00.001+05:30

So you guessed it right.. I am in my Dehra Dun... It may seem that all I have to do in my life is go to doon and then write a post on it.. But then how does it matter.. I do it since I want to.. This is the monsoon season and as per the weather of Doon goes, when it starts raining, it rains continuously for days and the temperature comes down drastically. Not that you have to wear jacket or something, but it becomes very pleasant.. Forget A/Cs, you dont even need a fan most of the times.. Such is the lovely weather of Dehra Dun...

Everything looks washed and green.. The grass is greener, the trees have dripping water, the flowers are in bloom, the mountains are misty with clouds all over them, the sun plays hide and seek with the clouds, the moment it will be bright and sunny, the next moment it will be shady and cloudy.. If it starts raining, then there are big fat rain drops.. It pours like it will wash your heart as well from all the pain and fill it with love and gratitude.. Its a wonderful feeling here.. No blocked drains, no traffic jams, no water accumulation..

The rains here bring so much of love and togetherness.. It brings the families together.. sitting in an open verandah, watching the rains, sipping coffee, reading a book or simply watching the nature's harmony.. The squirrels run here and there to find a shelter, the birds sitting on the porch, the cows getting wet, the children playing in the water.. Ever drop of rain here is a music piece in its own.. I love those light drizzles as well as heavy downpour.. And when after a heavy rain in the night, when the sun shines brightly in the sky, its even better. Then you wonder, what song the rain played the night before.. Its magical..

Sometimes it seems to me, that I can go on and on about this place, where I have had wonderful memories of the childhod spent.. The rainy days also meant a smelly dog, damp clothes, books, almirahs, fungus.. everything seems to be damp except for the spirit of the people here.. The rains here lift the mood of a person.. so if you are in low spirits, and want some good in your life, come here.. You shall experience some of the best things in life here and in turn get to start loving life all over again.. It does that to me.. My heart comes to a rest here.. My soul is at peace when I am here.. so for love, peace, relaxation, smiles, heart bouncing - come to Doon... :-)

Old and alone.

2009-07-24T21:39:00.000+05:30

Past few days have been extremely busy, considering random updates on the blog. Some of the reasons are stated in the previous post but there are others as well. No..no.. I am not going to start another post with reasons for not posting.

Well, there is a lot of thinking going around in my head. As I am growing wiser (if I can say that), there is constant fear that will I be growing wiser alone.. Yes, there are times when I feel a very strong urge to have someone besides me whom I can talk to freely, heart to heart and have that kind of conversation which you strike with your partner.. So if I put it technically, I do feel the need of having that someone special in my life with whom I shall share all that I want to..

The whole thought of getting old alone does scare me sometimes. Having family is one thing and growing with a partner is another. My heart does looks out for that unseen man.. It wants to love that person with all the love, passion that it holds inside. No matter how many close friends, supportive family you may have, in the end you do want to end up in that special someone's arms.. I want to experience the beautiful feeling of being loved, the way I shall love him.. I want to come back home to him and not to a lonely house. I want to cook for him. I want to see him growing old with me. I want to hold his hands whenever I feel scared. I want to have that feeling that, Yes, he is there for me whenever I need him. That he shall be mine and I'll be his. We will have our share our fights, arguments but still we will come back to each other...

I may sound like a hopelessly romantic person but its ok. I know I am.. Sometimes, its over-whelming for me to keep all this feelings inside me. Its like the heart is filled to the brim with love and its difficult to hold it from spilling over. I find myself vulnerable at that time.. I do hope that my dreams do not die before I could even share them.. I have full faith.. As they say, when the night is the darkest, the dawn is not very far away.. My knight in shining armor shall arrive soon, I hope so..

My crazy life

2009-07-10T12:52:00.002+05:30

Ever since I came back from a short trip to Doon, I have wanted to write but the way my life is these days, is driving me up the wall. Its been crazily busy and its driving me mad to the level of me going insane...

There are so many things that I want to do, but I am just not being able to get time for them.. There is a music school close to my place that I want to explore but have not been able to.. I need to go for a hair-cut.. I have a few errands to do... I have to visit a relative's house to offer my condolences for a death.. I have to catch up with a few friends and relatives.. I have to call a few friends whom I have not spoken to for ages.. There are some missed calls which I have to return.. There are some emails lying which I need to reply to.. There are some books that I have to read.. The cleaning needs to be done.. The papers need to sort out... The cupboard needs to be arranged.. I have to visit the bank.. There is a letter lying to be posted..

Its just been crazy... I myself dont know where my day goes.. I have not been able to wake up early to go for my morning walk/jog... The maid comes in and rings to wake me up.. Thats when I run out of the bed and starts a mad day... Cleaning, washing, cooking, getting ready for the office.. By the time I am in office, I am half tired.. Sometimes I dont even get time to read the newspaper properly.. What goes in office these days is another story... 5 clients, 20 team members, with almost 2-3 meetings, escalations, issues, performance issues, urgent and last minute deliverables, the list goes on and on...

So now you know.. It does seems like a everyday life for some but for me, its getting too much.. I need a vacation... The only good part that I see is, at the end of the day when I lie in the bed, it does not take me more than 2 minutes to fall into a deep-deep slumber - something which so many people wish for....

Dehra Dun = Smile

2009-06-12T11:36:00.000+05:30

There is a smile on my face
A song in my heart
Butterflies in my tummy
I am going to my Doon valley

Drive again

2009-06-05T14:56:00.001+05:30

Remember how I expressed my inability and inefficiency to drive. I learnt how to drive, drove for a few days with a driver sitting next to me and then gave up.. Every time someone honked the horn on my face, I would be scared and my confidence fell to the lowest level you can think of.

Well, with the passage of time, I have realized that I have become almost immobile only due to the fact that I dont drive. This has been concerning. If I have to go somewhere or even meet friends, I am stuck. Not that I want to go driving around the whole NCR, but atleast to nearby places. This has made me strong enough to pick up the scattered threads of driving again. So yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have started driving. Initially I was scared again. But its ok. If my car stops in the middle of road because I did not put the gear properly or did not release the clutch properly or did not apply the brakes properly, its ok. It happens with everyone.

With a driver next to me, I make sure to drive on a regular basis and now I feel quite confident enough. May be in a few weeks time I shall have enough confidence to venture out alone and take the car to the near by places. It is not a rocket science and anyone can learn to drive. I need to practice and never lose that confidence. I know I am not the one who drives at a speed of more than 40 but even thats fine. Instead of 15 minutes, may be I will take 25 minutes to reach a place, but thats fine. Atleast I shall be independent. I wouldnt have to look for a 'driver' everytime I need to go somewhere.

I am not the person who is into night driving but yes it suffices for my daily needs. Over the weekends I wouldnt have to sit at home or wait for those packed buses where the crowd is only looking for an opportunity to brush against you. I still have to practice. I forget sometimes what gear the car is running on.. I sometimes get confused between that half clutch and half brake technique but I shall overcome that. I shall drive and there is nothing stopping me.. Yay!!!