Sunday, June 26, 2011

Mixed Feelings

I met a friend on Friday evening, for the first time. While it was really nice to meet, I felt bad that though I was present physically, but not mentally. I dont know if the friend noticed this.. But I do owe an apology for the same.. :-(

At the same time, there was a problem which was bothering me for the past many many days. An unknown rift with a very close friend. Somehow its solved today, to an extent.. It has made me feel better. I cant thank God enough for it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I am in this phase of being sleep deprived.. The past few days have been taxing on me; personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally.. I hit the bed between 10-10:30 pm, to have full 8 hours of rested sleep.. But then its not the quality sleep that I get..

I wake up in the middle of the night, startled.. Then I keep thinking, what was it that I dreamt about. Is it the worry that is constantly on my mind, which is keeping me away from a sound sleep? Do I worry too much about everything? Yesterday, a friend remarked : 'Why am I being too harsh on myself?' I dont know. I think a lot. Is that what makes me insane at times?

My eyes have swollen up. I am not able to eat properly. I would say that I am not able to digest anything. One meal and I am done for the rest of the day. Eating that one meal is a task for me. One moment I will be hungry.. Once I have eaten, I feel like throwing up. I lie awake in the bed for a long long time.. I wake up a number of times in the night. Then I will keep thinking. When I am just about ready to doze off, it will be time to get out of the bed.

There are a lot of people around me, who have noticed my swollen eyes and have commented as well. But I have no answer. I generally dont get this problem, but when I do, its hard to go. I want to sleep, but I cant. The moment I lie down, sleep vanishes. I am already feeling low. I dont want to fall sick. I want my sleep back. I want my peace back..

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A small time recognition..

...for the post I wrote on 'Mumbai Rains' just a couple of posts back..

Friday, June 17, 2011

Pooling in..

Right now, I am in the worst of situations I have ever come across. All this while, when I have had different problems to deal with, here comes the biggest of all - The job insecurity. In the past one year, I have spent more time being in the pool of the company than on a project, which is a worse case in a software industry. This is the third month running in a row where I am on a pool with no hope of getting a project..

I may be doing some random errands for the business unit but that is not counted as billable by any means. I am hit financially, emotionally, mentally, professionally.. Its a big set back for my career. I cant concentrate on anything. All the time I think about my job, which is a necessity for me currently. I cant take the chances of not having a job and sit idle at home. I am not sure what the organization has thought about me, but I am getting warning signals from inside.

So many times I think if I made a mistake by coming here or buying a house. I just dont know what to do now. I am trying all the means that I could see. Have met numerous people, spoken to them, given my CV, but nothing seems to be working out. The tension is clearly visible on my face. I dont feel like talking to anyone. All the while, I pray to God to help me get out of this messy situation.

There is no back up plan. There is no one to fall back on, incase something goes wrong. I am very depressed right now, almost on the verge of giving up. Last night was worse.. I ended up being in tears for a long long time. I really cant see any way out of this situation. I am losing hope day by day, but still meeting people whosoever comes my way. I dont know what is lying next for me, but right now, this is the worse situation that I have come across.. Some magic has to happen to solve the present situation.. I need everyone's blessings.. Pray for me..

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mumbai Rains...

Haji Ali
I went to Mumbai for a couple of days. Gave me the much needed break plus it was good to spend time with the people whom I love.. I got to witness the Mumbai rains after a long long time.. The rain Gods were in full fury as the grey skies had opened up, leashing out incessant rains, soaking each and every inch of Mumbai to the core. I even joked, it looks as if all the Gods above have decided to take their annual shower together in full force... :-)

One full day it rained non-stop, very very heavily. It scared me as well. The sea looked angry, rough and black. I saw the waves crashing along the walls of the compound, as if they are out to take revenge. Everything was washed.. The trees were absolutely green.. Gentle breeze.. I started imagining that there are floods everywhere, roads are blocked, tracks flooded, trains cancelled and I am stuck in Mumbai.. But its just the onset of monsoons.. All the bright umbrellas, raincoats, gum boots, all sorts of rain gear was out.. The feeling of dampness is present in every nook and corner.. Suddenly you feel the urge of a bright sunshine.

It was the perfect weather for having super hot bhajiyas, bread pakoras with some green chutney, a hot brownie with some chocolate sauce and vanilla ice-cream and some hot coffee/tea, if you like.. Personally speaking, I simply sat by the window, soaking in the rain, watching Haji Ali getting almost drowned in the black waters of Arabian Sea, reading a book. If not this, then I would stand by the other window and watch the traffic snarling up and down the Peddar Road. I wondered how people managed to get out in this really really wet weather, brave the rains and go to work. For all that I had to do there was sleep, eat, read, relax, talk, watch movies or shop if I wanted to..

Its nice to be in Mumbai during this time, if you are a real sucker for monsoons.. I like the rains only when I don’t have to go out. Don’t like the idea of getting wet, though while driving to the station, I did feel like getting out on Marine Drive and taking a walk, dressed up in my capris, flip flops and a camera.. May be some other time, if I happen to make a trip again during this season.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Do you talk to yourself?

I have this habit of talking to myself. Most of the times when I am on my own, I will be talking. Infact I have noticed that even if someone is with me, I may keep murmuring something or the other about whatever work I am doing or whatever I am thinking.

I remember many years back, while I was writing an exam, I was talking to myself. I was saying what I was writing, but not loud enough to be heard by anyone. One of my teacher could see my lip movement. She thought that I am telling some answer to my fellow student behind me. When she came near my desk, she realized that I am speaking in such low tone, that even she could not hear. She told me that I should not speak while writing. Thats when I realized that I was talking to myself.

Even now when I am thinking, may be while shopping or while trying to make a decision, I would be talking to myself. Infact I am talking while I am writing this post. I guess it does sounds weird, but thats how I am. May be it helps me to release the thoughts that I want to say but would not normally say. Like today morning, when I saw the weather outside, I said to myself: 'You should have washed all the clothes yesterday. How will they dry up in the evening today. Its going to rain heavily. '

The worst case is with the maid. When she and I are together in the kitchen, as usual I would murmur to myself about any pending work or remind myself about something, she would think that I am talking to her. She keeps asking: 'What did you say? ' Most of the times I say things, not to make anyone hear, but because I have this habit..

I am sure it sounds insane to many of you. Does it really?

Friday, June 03, 2011

Parents and Old Age

My Mom turned 60 yesterday. While I missed being with her on her birthday, my only wish for her was good health and peace. I know how much she has been struggling with her health for the last so many years. I remember a few days ago, I found a passport size photograph of hers taken almost 7-8 years. When I compared it with the recent one, I almost had tears in my eyes. Her face has pulled down, cheeks gone, eyebrows disappeared, eyes shrunken.. One could easily say that she has become weak.

Her energy level has reduced tremendously. She gets breathless very soon. She needs rest after every few hours. Her gait has slowed down. She cant take a full day’s outing with that much ease. She needs her own time to get ready. Still the amount of work that she can do is much more than I can ever think of doing. Even at this age, she is enthusiastic about cleaning the house, cooking good food, calling people over, making achaars, chutneys etc.

No matter how much we will try to discourage her from doing so much work, she’ll get into it. The result of the situation is a Mahabharat in the house. Now that her hand has an acute pain, the doctor has advised her rest. She is not allowed to do any kind of heavy work which includes cooking as well. While I can easily deal with the situation where she is not cooking, I feel bad at her state of feeling helpless. Sometimes I wish I could do something to change her state.

We know that one day all of us will grow old, but seeing our parents growing old, weak is tough to accept. For us, they are our support system. I have seen my Nanaji growing older, weaker day by day. But when I see my Mom getting old, its so hard for me to accept. May be because of her health issues. I want to give her a comfortable life where she will not have to worry about anything in the house. She’ll just lead a carefree, peaceful life. I want her to get well. I understand that her energy level will not be the same again but atleast she’ll be better health wise.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

I and my Kinetic

I did not have any vehicle when I was school. I did get a bicycle but that was not until Class X, which carried on till my Post Graduation.. I always had an eye for Kinetic. I was madly in love with the vehicle. For me, it’s the smartest scooter around.

So when I started working, the first thing that I wanted to buy was a Kinetic.. Now I have a nine years old Kinetic. I bought it a year after I started working, saving every month from the measly salary that I got.. So one can imagine, its my prized possession. And I made the full payment in one go. There was no loan taken. I got the accessories fitted, helmet bought, and it was ready to go around the world. I am so possessive about it, that I would not let any one drive it apart from my brother, but not before he got thousand instructions from me, as to how to handle it.. Thats another story that he was the one who brought it home from the dealer, and taught me all its features.. Infact he was the one who sat with me when I went for my first ride..

Till today, I have not found any other scooter which would match its standard. The wide, long seats, big leg room, the look is all very classy. A couple of years back, Kinetic has stopped the production of this scooter. It still did not hurt me, since I had my scooter. But now when I am in Pune and ride my scooter, again, everyday for commuting to office, I realize that its life span has almost come to an end. It was sparingly used during my stint in NCR though. But nothing is eternal on this planet. The scooter is more than nine years old now. Though it has done the mileage of only 17000 kms till now, is in perfect condition, still it gives a problem sometimes.

Now I was thinking of getting the scooter replaced, much to my disappointment. So the search started. Nothing came in even close to, what Kinetic is. Either the seats are not long enough, or they are very narrow, or there is not enough leg room, or the look or the availability, something or the other is wrong.. May be because I am looking for an exact replica, which is difficult to find. Now I have almost given up the idea of getting my Kinetic exchanged. It may create even more problems later, since its production has stopped, non-availability of spare parts, problems in finding a buyer, but I am ready to take it on. I love it way too much, to part with it simply.