Saturday, May 14, 2011

Hurricanes and Tornadoes....

Currently I am dealing with all sorts of hurricanes and tornadoes. You cant see them physically nor it is reported by any news paper. Its happening inside me and promises to destroy me. I am fighting hard against it. I want to emerge as a survivor but its getting difficult day by day. My energy level is going down minute by minute. The grip is loosening up.

I have not been able to sleep properly. For four days in a row, I could not sleep. I wanted to sleep, but sleep was far eluding my eyes. My body is extremely tired. I am exhausted, stressed. I am so restless that all I need is some rest. I dont feel like cooking, getting up, eating or doing anything for that matter. Everyday I get up in an irritated mood. For the past so many days, I have not practised my guitar, which is my passion. I have not even gone to the class. I dont like anything around me. I am not sure what is wrong or where I am headed to. I dont know if it is due to all the problems that I am bogged down with. But then all of us have our own set of problems, isnt it. Then why am I complaining so often, you may ask. I have no answer.

I am also at a situation, where other people's problems have started affecting me. It seems I am handling too many problems of too many people right now. Everyone seems to be coming to me with their set of issues. Its taking a toll on me now. I cant handle so much. Its breaking me. Its getting worse since I dont speak to anyone about how I feel. Rather I dont know or have anyone to talk to. I have also realised that loneliness is also playing its part in pulling me down. I have not taken a break for more than a year which could also be one of the reason.

Sometimes I feel that did I make a mistake by coming to Pune. I cant leave this place. I dont have anywhere to go to. Given a choice, I want to QUIT right now, run back to Dehra Dun and never ever come back again. I dont know what will I do in Doon but I am very sure that my heart will be at peace. I still feel like a stranger here. I am still scared. Every day without fail, there is a voice I hear which keeps telling me : go back to Dehra Dun. I am in a catch 22 situation. No matter what, I cant leave this place right now. I have a financial responsibility on my head which I have to take care of. So many times I feel did I make a mistake in buying a house.

I have been working non-stop for the past 11 years almost. There have been multiple ups and downs. This is not the first time that I am feeling low, but for the past few days, what is happening is indescribable. The insecurity surrounding me is way too over whelming. I am just surviving. I dont even know what am I doing or why am I doing. Do I sound insane? May be I have lost it completely. May be I am over reacting, but its pathetic.


Anonymous said...

Hugs Soul! You need to tell people straight to their faces that you are not in a position to listen to their problems! It sounds like you have enough of your own to be taking on other people's shit. It's okay to go through down phases and completely normal to question your decisions. You don't sound insane. Just really, really stressed. Take care!

D said...

Take heart. This is just a phase. When it's over you'll look back and think what a brave girl you were! Hugs!

Rambler said...

like you mentioned in the next post..the lows are always followed by highs..