Saturday, November 05, 2011

Diwali in Mumbai..

I am always excited about Diwali. I love to clean, decorate and enjoy the general atmosphere surrounding the festival. It also marks the onset of winter season which is my favourite. I had cleaned up the whole house, washed all the curtains, extensive dusting, mopping was done. and I was all ready to celebrate it alone in the house with the little puja and some good food that I had planned to prepare but destiny had some other plan for me. Few days before Diwali, my close Aunt who stays in Mumbai called me and invited me over.

I was reluctant to go in the beginning but then I decided to go. It was better than being alone. With much argument and fight with my boss, I finally managed to land in Mumbai on the Diwali day. Mumbai is like my second home. I am pampered, made to eat, sleep and relax. There is nothing more than that, that I do in Mumbai. So all I did in Mumbai during those 5 days was eat, dress up, sleep, relax, shop and get spoilt. After a long time I wore a saree on a festival. During the day, we decorated the house with flowers, rangoli. Then it was time to deck up and leave for the puja which was in the office. Did a grand puja and came back home to eat a sumptuous meal with cousins and a lovely couple, who are old family friends. Then we all chatted till late night on Diwali, while watching the fireworks from the balcony facing the Arabian Sea. Its grand how the sky looks so beautiful on Diwali right above the sea.

The best part was to spend time with my cousin who is of my age. We never get tired of talking. We can talk for the whole night yet our talks will never end. I had some of the best food in Mumbai. Even went to eat Bhelpuri from my favourite place which is just outside Mahalaxmi temple. I had loads of brownies, ice-cream, apple crumble, pear pie and other sweets. There is no end to eating when I go to Mumbai. The 5 days were like a dream which went by so soon and it was time for me to return. But then I had a good time off from my extremely busy schedule. Gave me the much needed break.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Here I am

updating this space finally, after a gap of good 2 months... Life has been on a real roller coaster ride ever since I got into my new job. The amount of travel that I do everyday to earn my bread, butter, cheese, jam, cake etc is not a joke. The day normally starts at 5:30 in the morning. I have to leave the house by 7:30 to catch the 7:50 office bus. The whole day in office just goes by without getting a chance to even blink my eyes. Sometimes there is an urgency to go to the washroom but we cant leave our desks. But then I am not complaining. The work keeps me very very busy throughout the day. I dont have time to think about anything.

The good part is that I am working for one of the biggest bank in the world, i.e. the bank is our client. We just take a 20 minutes break to quickly have our lunch. Then its back to work. I leave the office around 6:15.. Never before 7:45 pm do I come back. Sometimes its even later, depending on the traffic in the city.. So one can imagine my condition by the time I come back home. I am half dead. I cant think anything at that time. I am too tired to even eat. I just need to go to sleep.

But still I am happy with where I am. I am still learning. I am working on a new domain altogether which is interesting. I am doing the hands-on which will help in the long run. The team members are co-operative and helpful. I find them quite responsible enough. But like they say, even roses have thorns. Here the thorn is the manager, who is the worst of the lot I have ever come across in my career. He has no manners, no professionalism. He doesnt know how to talk to his associates and what to talk. The whole team hates him. I hope to improve the situation once the team comes under me.

There are times when I have to work on the weekend as well.. Come November and the real shift timings will start. Night shifts are also coming up which I am so so scared of. I know my health doesnt permit me to do it but I have to do it and that also three weeks in a row...

Anyway, the good part is that so far the job looks fine to me. Atleast the financial part is taken care of. I have become quite dingy in whatever I spend on. God has His own ways to take care of things. Sometime back when I blogged about all the old items in my house, finally my fridge breathed its last. I had no other option but to buy another one. So a part of the first salary went in buying a new fridge. In another news, I have replaced the guitar as well since my teacher felt that nylon strings guitar was not for me. I got a acoustic guitar now and I am learning pretty well. I am amazed at myself how I have picked up in the last 1-1/2 months time. Now I know atleast 2 songs and I am proud to say that. :-)

A lot more needs to be written which I shall do in the coming days, hopefully.... Taking it easy till then..

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The smile is back....

finally and its a big one... After days/weeks of anxiety, nervousness, double thoughts, I have finally found a new job.. and its in the same city.. I had gone through thousands of unpleasant thoughts in the days gone by.. I had no confidence in myself, but thanks to my Mom, friends, well wishers who had more faith in me than I had in myself... I was applying in each and every possible company.. Gave 2-3 interviews.. But I knew where its going to click. The moment my interview was over, I knew I had closed the deal.. It was mine.. It was a client interview directly from Singapore on our Independence Day.. With the bad throat, running nose, I went ahead with the call and within 15 minutes I knew the final answer... Today I got the offer letter and its a pretty good one...
I could not thank God and my friend enough who helped me in referring to this company... Hope everything goes well from now on.. Thank you God.. You stood by me.. :-))

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

I am axed

finally.... Its difficult for me to accept it.. Tears dont stop rolling down.. My voice is choked.. I have lost all my confidence.. There is no back up plan.. I am in the midst of nowhere..
God, please please please help me... Now only You can do something for me...

Monday, July 25, 2011

I am sad...

because I am in a very very bad situation at work... Things are just not working out at all.. The talks are not being fruitful.. I have to find a project soon... Every day is making me more and more depressed...

Please help me God... I need YOU...

Friday, July 22, 2011

A day without a phone..

Few days back I forgot my phone at home. I had kept it on charging. Since I was in a hurry to leave for the office, I forgot to carry it. The moment I stepped out of the lift, I realized that I have left the phone at home. I thought, let it be. I wanted to see what happens on a day when I dont carry my phone.


On a normal day I dont get any calls at all, barring one or two either from my Mom or someone from office, if at all. Infact now I think why do I keep a phone. I get jokes from a couple of friends mostly. Otherwise nobody calls me. I also dont call anyone. I dont carry a hi-tech phone with the touch screen, QWERTY keypad and a host of other features, which I cant understand for the life of me. I dont surf internet on the phone, nor do I feel the need to be logged in, all the time to keep in touch with the whole world.

So as expected, I thought it would be a normal day for me. And frankly speaking, I did not get any of the restless feeling that I dont have the phone with me, what if someone calls me, what if there is an important call.. Nah!! Nothing like that.. Does it sound strange to you? Even though I am currently looking for a new job, still I did not feel the need of not having a phone by my side, all the time. I knew that if there is something really urgent, there are other ways to catch me. I mean there were days 10 years back, when everyone did not have the cell phone and still our lives carried on smoothly. I fail to understand to be connected with everyone all the time. Or atleast be available to everyone, whenever they want us.. I would rather not carry the phone, than get irritated by unwanted calls.

So far so good.. The day went perfectly fine.. But hell broke lose when I reached home. When I took the phone off the charger, I realized there were around 15 missed calls!! Wow.. Thats quite a lot. I wondered, who was trying to call me frantically. Guess who it was.. My Mom!!! And a couple of calls from other numbers.. I immediately asked her what had happened. Very sweetly she says, she called me just like that. But when I did not answer her 2 calls, she got worried and thats why she kept trying my number the whole day.. She did not know that I forgot my phone at home, so she was worried. Moms... I told her not to get worried so easily. Its possible that if I am stuck somewhere in office, even if I carry my phone, I will not be able to answer. Infact she knows that I dont pick up the phone, when I am in a meeting. But then she says: 'You always message me, if you are busy'.. Oh yeah, I do.. So the point is, I have to carry the phone whether I like it or not.. Atleast Mom will be at peace..

Monday, July 18, 2011

Yet again...

my moment of glory...

Friday, July 15, 2011

Mumbai...

has been attacked yet again.. and I am speechless again.. Enough has been said by various people across the world, but nothing comes close to what the person, who went through it, feels about it. A common Mumbaikar, who leaves for his work and thinks whether he will come back home safely in the evening. Nothing can assure that. Our lives have become so cheap, that it does not matter to our government if a few hundreds are injured or die in such an attack. All that they have to offer is their hollow sympathy.

Do they have the courage to travel in a local train/bus without any fear. If the elite people are targetted, just like what happened in 2008, the security would be pepped up. I am not saying that the elite crowd should be targetted. My question is, what is our government doing about it? why do we pay taxes? We are fined for crossing the signal when the lights turned orange mid-way.. Because we failed to judge the timing of the signal. But who will fine these politicians who fail every time to protect our country..

What if one of the minister's son was on a visit to Zaveri Bazar? Will they talk about the spirit of Mumbai or will they turn tables upside down to find the culprit. Damn the spirit of Mumbai!! Its not the spirit, its their helplessness. Because we do not have a choice of simply sitting at home and expect a meal on our tables at the end of the day. I have to travel 30 kms one way everyday to the suburbs in the local/bus or on foot to earn my daily bread. In anycase, I do dodge the road accidents, nature's fury to reach my work place.. But I need to learn to tackle bomb blasts as well. I have to become used to it. Yesterday it was someone else, today its you, tomorrow it will be me. I cannot escape it every time. Everytime I travel from Pune to Mumbai, I have to wait outside the Dadar station for 5 minutes, to allow the driver to get the car. Now I should be prepared that there could be a bomb waiting to explode and I will not be allowed to leave the station despite heavy rains and other chaos.. Isnt it..

Where are the Rajs, Sonias, Manmohans, Chavans and other such like, when we are hit. Do I just make peace with the fact that none of my friends/relatives were affected?? Am I supposed to react only when
someone known to me is injured?? How can we remain calm when we (dont) know what lies ahead of us? Should I stop going out on weekends for a movie/lunch/dinner or a simple walk!!! Yes, I am agitated, furious, outraged at the callous attitude shown towards such incidents in our country. I have always loved India for more reasons than one and have never wanted to leave this place. Now I think that if we do not even have the basic safety, then what am I supposed to do.

The media - electronic/print, the lesser said about them is better... The blow it out of the proportion just to increase their ratings. They have forgotten the real meaning of journalism. For them its just another 'Breaking news/byte'. Instead of being the voice of the common man, they have a different path to follow. Sometimes I wonder whether they are present to represent us, our views, take our messages forward, act as a communicator between us and the government or simply remain unaffected by dishing out the sympathy(?) messages from the ministers..

Currently the sky is covered with grey clouds only in the monsoons, but our lives are perpetually covered with grey clouds with no hope for any silver lining.. I think I am asking for too much if I demand my basic safety.. Thank you for making me feel so unsafe. Now I know, that next time it will be me, with someone else writing about it..

Thursday, July 14, 2011

On the work front...

It seems the prayers are slowly being answered... Something is working out for me.. There is a new project coming up. My name is considered for it. I am meeting up all the managers. Giving them assurances that I am ready to take it up, even though its a completely new domain for me. The timings will again be a little odd since they want us to work in the UK hours. As long as I get my good night's sleep, I am ok with it. I understand there is going to be a lot of stress. Its an application maintenance service after all. The boring life that I was leading till now, hopefully, will come to an end. Meetings, deadlines, pressure, client calls, team tantrums all will return, but I am ready to take it on. After all, this is my bread and butter. I am getting rusted doing nothing. Its crazy to come to office on time, sit idle the whole day, thinking what to do, read.. How much of work related stuff can you read, specially when you dont know where will you land up..

I shall try my best to stick on to it for a long time now. Dont want to end up in a pool yet again. I also hope that the project stays on, otherwise I will have to move on. I am seriously contemplating that option as well. I am known to stick to a place since I dont believe in moving around frequently. Makes me uncomfortable, big time.. I give enough time before I decide to move on. So here I am, hoping, praying and wishing that this project works out for me...

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Unwritten

Given that I am facing a lot of problems in my job, the anxiety that comes with it, plus no vacation and lot of stress, a friend of mine asked me to listen to this song.. Feels just right at the moment for me...

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

- Natasha Bedingfield

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Mixed Feelings

I met a friend on Friday evening, for the first time. While it was really nice to meet, I felt bad that though I was present physically, but not mentally. I dont know if the friend noticed this.. But I do owe an apology for the same.. :-(

At the same time, there was a problem which was bothering me for the past many many days. An unknown rift with a very close friend. Somehow its solved today, to an extent.. It has made me feel better. I cant thank God enough for it.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sleeplessness(again)!!!

I am in this phase of being sleep deprived.. The past few days have been taxing on me; personally, professionally, emotionally, mentally.. I hit the bed between 10-10:30 pm, to have full 8 hours of rested sleep.. But then its not the quality sleep that I get..

I wake up in the middle of the night, startled.. Then I keep thinking, what was it that I dreamt about. Is it the worry that is constantly on my mind, which is keeping me away from a sound sleep? Do I worry too much about everything? Yesterday, a friend remarked : 'Why am I being too harsh on myself?' I dont know. I think a lot. Is that what makes me insane at times?

My eyes have swollen up. I am not able to eat properly. I would say that I am not able to digest anything. One meal and I am done for the rest of the day. Eating that one meal is a task for me. One moment I will be hungry.. Once I have eaten, I feel like throwing up. I lie awake in the bed for a long long time.. I wake up a number of times in the night. Then I will keep thinking. When I am just about ready to doze off, it will be time to get out of the bed.

There are a lot of people around me, who have noticed my swollen eyes and have commented as well. But I have no answer. I generally dont get this problem, but when I do, its hard to go. I want to sleep, but I cant. The moment I lie down, sleep vanishes. I am already feeling low. I dont want to fall sick. I want my sleep back. I want my peace back..

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A small time recognition..


...for the post I wrote on 'Mumbai Rains' just a couple of posts back..

Friday, June 17, 2011

Pooling in..

Right now, I am in the worst of situations I have ever come across. All this while, when I have had different problems to deal with, here comes the biggest of all - The job insecurity. In the past one year, I have spent more time being in the pool of the company than on a project, which is a worse case in a software industry. This is the third month running in a row where I am on a pool with no hope of getting a project..

I may be doing some random errands for the business unit but that is not counted as billable by any means. I am hit financially, emotionally, mentally, professionally.. Its a big set back for my career. I cant concentrate on anything. All the time I think about my job, which is a necessity for me currently. I cant take the chances of not having a job and sit idle at home. I am not sure what the organization has thought about me, but I am getting warning signals from inside.

So many times I think if I made a mistake by coming here or buying a house. I just dont know what to do now. I am trying all the means that I could see. Have met numerous people, spoken to them, given my CV, but nothing seems to be working out. The tension is clearly visible on my face. I dont feel like talking to anyone. All the while, I pray to God to help me get out of this messy situation.

There is no back up plan. There is no one to fall back on, incase something goes wrong. I am very depressed right now, almost on the verge of giving up. Last night was worse.. I ended up being in tears for a long long time. I really cant see any way out of this situation. I am losing hope day by day, but still meeting people whosoever comes my way. I dont know what is lying next for me, but right now, this is the worse situation that I have come across.. Some magic has to happen to solve the present situation.. I need everyone's blessings.. Pray for me..

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mumbai Rains...

Haji Ali
I went to Mumbai for a couple of days. Gave me the much needed break plus it was good to spend time with the people whom I love.. I got to witness the Mumbai rains after a long long time.. The rain Gods were in full fury as the grey skies had opened up, leashing out incessant rains, soaking each and every inch of Mumbai to the core. I even joked, it looks as if all the Gods above have decided to take their annual shower together in full force... :-)

One full day it rained non-stop, very very heavily. It scared me as well. The sea looked angry, rough and black. I saw the waves crashing along the walls of the compound, as if they are out to take revenge. Everything was washed.. The trees were absolutely green.. Gentle breeze.. I started imagining that there are floods everywhere, roads are blocked, tracks flooded, trains cancelled and I am stuck in Mumbai.. But its just the onset of monsoons.. All the bright umbrellas, raincoats, gum boots, all sorts of rain gear was out.. The feeling of dampness is present in every nook and corner.. Suddenly you feel the urge of a bright sunshine.

It was the perfect weather for having super hot bhajiyas, bread pakoras with some green chutney, a hot brownie with some chocolate sauce and vanilla ice-cream and some hot coffee/tea, if you like.. Personally speaking, I simply sat by the window, soaking in the rain, watching Haji Ali getting almost drowned in the black waters of Arabian Sea, reading a book. If not this, then I would stand by the other window and watch the traffic snarling up and down the Peddar Road. I wondered how people managed to get out in this really really wet weather, brave the rains and go to work. For all that I had to do there was sleep, eat, read, relax, talk, watch movies or shop if I wanted to..

Its nice to be in Mumbai during this time, if you are a real sucker for monsoons.. I like the rains only when I don’t have to go out. Don’t like the idea of getting wet, though while driving to the station, I did feel like getting out on Marine Drive and taking a walk, dressed up in my capris, flip flops and a camera.. May be some other time, if I happen to make a trip again during this season.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Do you talk to yourself?

I have this habit of talking to myself. Most of the times when I am on my own, I will be talking. Infact I have noticed that even if someone is with me, I may keep murmuring something or the other about whatever work I am doing or whatever I am thinking.

I remember many years back, while I was writing an exam, I was talking to myself. I was saying what I was writing, but not loud enough to be heard by anyone. One of my teacher could see my lip movement. She thought that I am telling some answer to my fellow student behind me. When she came near my desk, she realized that I am speaking in such low tone, that even she could not hear. She told me that I should not speak while writing. Thats when I realized that I was talking to myself.

Even now when I am thinking, may be while shopping or while trying to make a decision, I would be talking to myself. Infact I am talking while I am writing this post. I guess it does sounds weird, but thats how I am. May be it helps me to release the thoughts that I want to say but would not normally say. Like today morning, when I saw the weather outside, I said to myself: 'You should have washed all the clothes yesterday. How will they dry up in the evening today. Its going to rain heavily. '

The worst case is with the maid. When she and I are together in the kitchen, as usual I would murmur to myself about any pending work or remind myself about something, she would think that I am talking to her. She keeps asking: 'What did you say? ' Most of the times I say things, not to make anyone hear, but because I have this habit..

I am sure it sounds insane to many of you. Does it really?

Friday, June 03, 2011

Parents and Old Age

My Mom turned 60 yesterday. While I missed being with her on her birthday, my only wish for her was good health and peace. I know how much she has been struggling with her health for the last so many years. I remember a few days ago, I found a passport size photograph of hers taken almost 7-8 years. When I compared it with the recent one, I almost had tears in my eyes. Her face has pulled down, cheeks gone, eyebrows disappeared, eyes shrunken.. One could easily say that she has become weak.

Her energy level has reduced tremendously. She gets breathless very soon. She needs rest after every few hours. Her gait has slowed down. She cant take a full day’s outing with that much ease. She needs her own time to get ready. Still the amount of work that she can do is much more than I can ever think of doing. Even at this age, she is enthusiastic about cleaning the house, cooking good food, calling people over, making achaars, chutneys etc.

No matter how much we will try to discourage her from doing so much work, she’ll get into it. The result of the situation is a Mahabharat in the house. Now that her hand has an acute pain, the doctor has advised her rest. She is not allowed to do any kind of heavy work which includes cooking as well. While I can easily deal with the situation where she is not cooking, I feel bad at her state of feeling helpless. Sometimes I wish I could do something to change her state.

We know that one day all of us will grow old, but seeing our parents growing old, weak is tough to accept. For us, they are our support system. I have seen my Nanaji growing older, weaker day by day. But when I see my Mom getting old, its so hard for me to accept. May be because of her health issues. I want to give her a comfortable life where she will not have to worry about anything in the house. She’ll just lead a carefree, peaceful life. I want her to get well. I understand that her energy level will not be the same again but atleast she’ll be better health wise.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

I and my Kinetic

I did not have any vehicle when I was school. I did get a bicycle but that was not until Class X, which carried on till my Post Graduation.. I always had an eye for Kinetic. I was madly in love with the vehicle. For me, it’s the smartest scooter around.

So when I started working, the first thing that I wanted to buy was a Kinetic.. Now I have a nine years old Kinetic. I bought it a year after I started working, saving every month from the measly salary that I got.. So one can imagine, its my prized possession. And I made the full payment in one go. There was no loan taken. I got the accessories fitted, helmet bought, and it was ready to go around the world. I am so possessive about it, that I would not let any one drive it apart from my brother, but not before he got thousand instructions from me, as to how to handle it.. Thats another story that he was the one who brought it home from the dealer, and taught me all its features.. Infact he was the one who sat with me when I went for my first ride..

Till today, I have not found any other scooter which would match its standard. The wide, long seats, big leg room, the look is all very classy. A couple of years back, Kinetic has stopped the production of this scooter. It still did not hurt me, since I had my scooter. But now when I am in Pune and ride my scooter, again, everyday for commuting to office, I realize that its life span has almost come to an end. It was sparingly used during my stint in NCR though. But nothing is eternal on this planet. The scooter is more than nine years old now. Though it has done the mileage of only 17000 kms till now, is in perfect condition, still it gives a problem sometimes.

Now I was thinking of getting the scooter replaced, much to my disappointment. So the search started. Nothing came in even close to, what Kinetic is. Either the seats are not long enough, or they are very narrow, or there is not enough leg room, or the look or the availability, something or the other is wrong.. May be because I am looking for an exact replica, which is difficult to find. Now I have almost given up the idea of getting my Kinetic exchanged. It may create even more problems later, since its production has stopped, non-availability of spare parts, problems in finding a buyer, but I am ready to take it on. I love it way too much, to part with it simply.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Of tall glasses of Cold Coffee....

Sometime back I wrote about how much I love milk.. I still do.. But given the fact that my digestion has become weak or some buri nazar by someone, I cant have milk everyday now... Though I love milk in its white form only, the only other thing that I can have is coffee and that also if its cold.. Give me a glass of good cold coffee in the morning, and I can happily pass off the whole morning without eating anything else...

So when I had cold coffee last weekend after a long long time, you can imagine the smile on my face.. I love cold coffee to bits. But it has to be made my way... There should be no cream in the milk - the biggest pre-requisite for me to have milk in the first place, otherwise I wont even touch it. I absolutely abhor cream.. Secondly the milk has to be totally chilled. The colder the better.. There are times when I have actually put crushed ice in my cold coffee.. Infact cold coffee tastes better if you put some crushed ice in it, before churning it in the mixer.I dont want those ice cubes floating in the coffee. Dont like it. Even the amount of coffee and sugar needs to be right.. I dont like extremely bitter or sweet coffee, though I love dark chocolates and I have a sweet tooth at the same time.. Quite a contrast I am..
The coffee powder should be somewhere around 1/2 teaspoon.. A spoonful of sugar.. Some crushed ice, though not always... Give it 3-4 churns in the mixer.. Please make sure that the sugar dissolves in the milk.. I dont like sugar settled at the bottom of the glass.. My big tall glass of absolutely delicious, drool worthy cold coffee with a big lather on the top is ready to be gobbled down... Take a sip.. Its heaven... Aah!!

When I go to some coffee shop, again its always cold coffee for me.. and I am quite fixed in what I want.. Though I have tried almost everything available on the menu of Cafe Coffee Day, Barista, Costa Coffee, my favourite remains which comes to a normal cold coffee i.e. Iced Eskimo or a Barrista..

and yeah.. I love to lick my lips after having cold coffee.. The same way the kids do it or they show it in the ads.. :-)

Image courtesy : Google.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I dunno why but I feel good...

Yeah yeah... what a 180 degrees transformation from my previous post.. Today when I woke up, I was generally happy.. It was a bright Sunday morning with cool breeze blowing, birds chirping, freshness in the air, my favourite songs playing on the radio station.. May be thats what made me happy... I had a good night sleep yesterday after a long long time.. When I woke up, there was no tiredness.. Infact I was so very energetic.. I went for a long morning walk after a long long time, which made me feel so good... :-) I even met my neighbour's dog whom I simply love.. He is an absolutely adorable and lovable Labrador.. and I know that he also likes to play with me...

Everything was done on time.. The maid came on time, house cleaned, kitchen done, laundry done, lunch cooked.. Suddenly I had so much time on my hand.. Everything looked so bright and cheerful... I was hopping around the whole house generally singing and dancing and feeling good... I dont know what was it all about and why.. I dont even want to know..

I even had my favourite cold coffee after a very long time.. Thankfully, my stomach did not misbehave today.. I saw the pretty flaming gulmohurs.. A few clouds floating like soft cotton balls in the sky.. Its as if love is in the air.. May be it is.. Everything just seemed perfect today, for a change.. :-)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Hurricanes and Tornadoes....

Currently I am dealing with all sorts of hurricanes and tornadoes. You cant see them physically nor it is reported by any news paper. Its happening inside me and promises to destroy me. I am fighting hard against it. I want to emerge as a survivor but its getting difficult day by day. My energy level is going down minute by minute. The grip is loosening up.

I have not been able to sleep properly. For four days in a row, I could not sleep. I wanted to sleep, but sleep was far eluding my eyes. My body is extremely tired. I am exhausted, stressed. I am so restless that all I need is some rest. I dont feel like cooking, getting up, eating or doing anything for that matter. Everyday I get up in an irritated mood. For the past so many days, I have not practised my guitar, which is my passion. I have not even gone to the class. I dont like anything around me. I am not sure what is wrong or where I am headed to. I dont know if it is due to all the problems that I am bogged down with. But then all of us have our own set of problems, isnt it. Then why am I complaining so often, you may ask. I have no answer.

I am also at a situation, where other people's problems have started affecting me. It seems I am handling too many problems of too many people right now. Everyone seems to be coming to me with their set of issues. Its taking a toll on me now. I cant handle so much. Its breaking me. Its getting worse since I dont speak to anyone about how I feel. Rather I dont know or have anyone to talk to. I have also realised that loneliness is also playing its part in pulling me down. I have not taken a break for more than a year which could also be one of the reason.

Sometimes I feel that did I make a mistake by coming to Pune. I cant leave this place. I dont have anywhere to go to. Given a choice, I want to QUIT right now, run back to Dehra Dun and never ever come back again. I dont know what will I do in Doon but I am very sure that my heart will be at peace. I still feel like a stranger here. I am still scared. Every day without fail, there is a voice I hear which keeps telling me : go back to Dehra Dun. I am in a catch 22 situation. No matter what, I cant leave this place right now. I have a financial responsibility on my head which I have to take care of. So many times I feel did I make a mistake in buying a house.

I have been working non-stop for the past 11 years almost. There have been multiple ups and downs. This is not the first time that I am feeling low, but for the past few days, what is happening is indescribable. The insecurity surrounding me is way too over whelming. I am just surviving. I dont even know what am I doing or why am I doing. Do I sound insane? May be I have lost it completely. May be I am over reacting, but its pathetic.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Budget goes haywire...

Just a few posts back, I wrote about how and why I have to save. The budget is planned for the house and I have to stick to it, if I want to take care of other financial responsibilities as quickly as possible. While I do manage to stick somewhere close to it, every month now, with a variation of 10-15% here and there, now the true colors are coming out.

When we shifted to our new house, I did not buy anything new. Absolutely nothing. Same old furniture, house hold appliances, curtains, decorations, you name it and it was old. The two new things that our house has, courtesy my relatives are : A washing machine, which I never had before.. Also considering the fact that I was getting too tired of washing all the clothes on a weekend, which comprised of a big laundry of the weeklong clothes, plus bedsheets, towels, bedcovers, linen, jeans and all, it had almost become a necessity for us to have one, but I was procrastinating since I had no money at all to afford one.. So the washing machine came as a house warming gift from one of my relative... As usual, I just hung the old curtains in the house which were more than 10 years old.. So another relative of mine, who simply loves decorating the house, insisted that I should get atleast new curtains, if not the matching bedcovers and bedsheets. While I chose the material, design, print for the curtains, she funded them..
So far so good.. I still dont have a sofa set for my living room and I am completely ok with it. I have lived with the cane chairs for the past 10 years and will continue with them for few more years to come. Now comes the dining table. The dining table doesnt have the chairs which go with it. They were some random chairs picked up by Mom when we were in Doon.. The dining table has its own story. Its more than 35 years old.. Its play has almost given away from the inside. The legs have become lose. The edges have worn away, but its usable. Now come the other things. Our refrigerator is more than 13-14 years old. TV is more than 12 years old. The music system is more than 11 years old. The press is 10 years old. My kinetic and car are more than 9 years old. We all know that all these things have a certain amount of life. Nothing is eternal. So while I had made a budget to keep my expenses at bay, other problems have started cropping up.

First the TV went off. One fine day, it refused to switch on. I called up the service centre. The guy who came, couldnt repair it. He said that some part has gone off, plus this model is no more in the market, so its difficult. But there was one ray of hope. He asked me to take it to one of the shop. Incase they are able to repair it, fine.. Otherwise the TV needs to be given away. I had no heart or money to buy a new TV. I tried my luck and luckily, the man at shop was able to repair it after almost 15 days but with no guarantee or warranty. He said clearly if this part goes off again, then the time to dispose off TV finally will be here. As it is its an old one. The old one will not fetch more than 1000-1200 Rs while the new one cost as much as I want to spend. One problem solved for the time being.

Now it was time for the refrigerator to start acting up. For the past few days I noticed whenever I keep something in the fridge, it turns stale, smelly and rottens up in just couple of days of time. Strange it was. Plus there was hardly any ice formation in the freezer. Again I called up the service centre. The man who came, showed me that there is a problem with the coil. The compressor needs to changed, plus the pipe and gas needs to be re-filled. All this would cost around 5000 Rs. I also asked him if I sell this fridge, how much will it fetch me. He said that it wont get more than 1200-1500 Rs. I dumped the idea of spending 5000 Rs on such an old fridge.. The new fridge will cost me around 16.5K but again I dont have that much money to spend on the new fridge. :-(

I am not even getting into the story of other appliances which have started giving me a problem - press, toaster, mixie plus my vehicles. I have no clue what to do. I can happily live without a TV but I need the fridge. It seems that there is no point in making the budget. The more I try to save, the more I end up spending. The whole universe around me is planning to go against my plans of saving to finish up the home loan quickly. Now again either I get a new job with a higher moolah raked in or live with these problems. I am so very fed up these days with all the problems over my head. I desperately need a break or a solution.. God!! Please help...

Friday, April 29, 2011

I saved someone's life today....

Not practically but in some way... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I donated blood today.. I have done that quite a number of times in the past so I look forward to it.. I am extremely scared of needles, injections, blood, the whole atmosphere.. Still I put up a brave face and go.. I just turn my head away when they prick. I dont look at the blood pouch or any such thing.. The best thing is the story that follows every time. Given that my size is fairly on the smaller side, people find it hard to believe that I can donate blood as well.. It has nothing to do with my good health that I have otherwise.

First time when I went to donate blood, our business head was standing in front of me. He was known for his jovial, cheerful and on the spot one line statement... He knew me well.. The first line that came out of him for me was: 'Has she come to donate blood or get some. I hope she doesnt fall after donating.' As luck would have it, just 10 days after donating the blood, I was down with severe chicken pox and very high fever for more than three weeks.

Last time when I went to donate the blood it was around afternoon.. As a process my haemoglobin test was done. It was positive. The doctor's remark :'You are the first girl whose haemoglobin is positive. We have rejected all the girls since morning.' My reaction, with a big smile on my face: 'Dont go by my size. I eat well'.. After that most of the girls who came, their results were positive. He referred me as their lucky mascot. Once the donation was over, they made me sit for a few minutes though I did not eat anything that was offered. The moment I got up, the doctor noticed that through the small handyplast that was stuck on my hand, blood was flowing and dripping profusely on the floor.. Some adventure had to be there. He was horrified, gave me some more cotton and made me sit for next few minutes. When I was leaving, he warned me to come and see him immediately if blood comes out again.

Today when I went in the morning, there were many girls in the waiting. As luck would have it, most of them were being rejected because of low haemoglobin. But I like a lucky girl, passed the test, much to he amusement of many people around me.. The common story that happens every time is to find my vein. My hand is quite transparent in terms of veins. You can actually count the veins that run right up to the shoulder. I know it
sounds weird. But when it comes to finding the correct vein to pierce the needle in, none of the doctors seem to find it. They always struggle. They move from one hand to the other, in the hope to find it. Today the doctor asked me :'Do you remember from which hand you donated the blood last time?' Ofcourse I did not. Somehow they managed to find it. Finally!!! So I donated the blood again today and came back all glee and happy.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I am on a budget..

Budget is what I have heard since childhood. I used to hear from everyone around and wonder, even if people had money, why wouldnt they spend it. After all money is meant to be spent. Once I grew up I understood, why wouldnt anyone spent all the money that they had. When I started working, I was so happy that I had all the money to myself to spend and in whichever way I want to. I was not answerable to anyone. But hold on, my Mom told me to keep a curb on the expenses. She would always advise how much I should spend and how much I should save for the rainy day. I never used to understand the rationale behind it but still I would listen.

So while I saved for the holidays, there was always a small amount which would go as saving - not meant to be spent at all. The money would get accumulated and invested. This would result in some bit of saving as well as my share of having fun, which I had always wanted. This continued for a good period of 10 years. Now after that when I finally decided to buy a house, came the big blow.. All the money that I had accumulated as part of my savings were gone in one shot. Plus like everyone, I had to take a home loan. I wanted to reduce the home loan as much as possible. So I used up all my money invested in all the possible places. Even I have withdrawn all my PF amount which normally people save for their old age. Not that this has resulted in my home loan being a small amount, but yeah whatever contribution my savings could make, I did that..

Now the result is I have absolutely no money as part of savings.. :-).. All that I have is my salary coming in every month, part of which happily goes in my home loan. Now looking at the loan, which gives me nightmares, I want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. May be in another 4-5 years. This can again happen if I reduce my expenses. So now to get rid of my home loan quickly plus to pay for the EMI, a budget has been drafted. I dont use my card so happily, the way I used to. I have decided on a certain amount that should be spent every month. The money is withdrawn in the beginning of the month. All the bills, shopping would be done with that much money ONLY. No use of card, unless it is absolutely necessary.

I have to keep a check on my shopping for shoes and tops, which I love to buy. There is a check on the number of times I eat out, the places where I go to eat.. Also the number of movies that I watch in the theatre.. I also check whether a particular vegetable/fruit is worth the price that I am paying for.. Not that I didnt do it
before, but now I am more vigilant.. I dont even know when will I be able to take my next holiday.. All this means, that now I am surviving on a budget..

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Crowning Glory..

I love going for hair cut.. Since childhood I have longed for long hair but as gave in to Mom's wish since she wanted me to sport a smart hair cut.. Also she felt that if I had long hair, it would stunt my growth and I would not be tall enough(not that I am very tall even now)... Nevertheless, all this resulted that I loved hair cut sessions..

Ever since I have started working, I decide what kind of hair cut I want.. I have experimented with different styles, lengths.. Layers, Steps, Bob, Deep U, simple U, Deep U with Bangs, Flicks.... But one thing has remained constant.. My hair doesnt grow beyond a certain length i.e. upto mid waist.. After that it stops.. But still its long enough to style it in a way that I want to...

I have always been quite particular about it.. It makes a lot of difference to my personality the kind of hair cut that I sport.. Given that I have almost straight hair with good texture, makes me even more possessive about them.. I love my hair.. Too much of self love.. :-))

A few months back I went for my first hair cut ever since I shifted to Pune to a supposedly very well renowned Hair Dresser's salon of our nation... What a disaster it was.. That man just ran the scissors through my hair, without even thinking about the style, cut, length.. In the end, I was almost in tears.. I almost shouted at him.. I just tied my hair and walked off... Waited patiently for three months to grow my hair to a decent length before I could get a decent cut done again...

This time I went to a different place.. Told them about my previous nightmarish experience.. I asked them very clearly if they know and understand what kind of hair cut would suit me, only then I will allow them to touch my hair, otherwise Thank You Very Much...

The man was the owner himself this time.. He assured me.. I saw him giving a few hair cut to others and quite liked him.. He said that he would do it himself for me.. Eagerly I hopped on to the chair... In the end, he made me look like a Diva.. I am so much in love with my hair cut again.. Its a Deep U with a bit of layer and a few bangs on the sides... It gave me so much of confidence that you cant imagine.. They look bouncy, thicker and above all, they look so nice.. I feel like keeping my hair open even in these hot summers.. I can see those admiring glances all around me.. I just love them way too much right now.. Also it came at a time when I was feeling low.. So I have discovered - When you are feeling low, go for a nice hair cut.. Yay!!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Drained out...

Right now I am completely exhausted.. I have no energy, no enthusiasm, no excitement, basically nothing to look forward to.. Every morning I just get up, do the routine, get ready and leave for office half heartedly.. There is nothing good waiting for me when I come to office.. Its just another drag day for me.. I keep on reading the whole day.. Nothing concrete to work upon.. When I come back home in the evening, I am so exhausted and tired that I just want to fall into the bed and sleep, even if it means that I have to skip my dinner.. I have no interest in cooking.. Its becoming a huge task for me to cook every evening.. Blame it on the heat or my mood or people around me or the whole atmosphere in general..

Last week I did take a couple of days off to spend in Mumbai.. But once I came back, I was even more tired.. My mind keeps telling me that I need a break from this monotonous routine. I am coming to a point to realize that probably I am not doing what interests me.. At the same point I also know that I have continue to do this until I am relieved of the financial responsibility that I have... Till that time, I am stuck..

I have also realized that I am playing an agony aunt to a lot of people these days, which is also perhaps one of the reasons why I am not full of energy for myself. A lot of my friends are going through a lot in their personal lives.. I appreciate the fact that they share it with me, but at the end of it, it completely drains me out. They want to talk to me every second day.. I cant say No to any one of them. They all are my good friends.. Sometimes there are days when I dont want to chat with anyone, except for the one with whom I want to.. Still I cant ignore anyone's call or message. I know they are going through a bad phase in their lives.. They need a friend to be there only to listen..

In between all this, I end up eating wrong kind of food. I have gained weight due to this.. I have an ever lasting craving for sweets, which I find extremely hard to curb. I have to divert my attention to something else.. I have stopped buying chocolates otherwise I shall end up eating all of them together.. I need to go for regular morning walk, which I have not been able to. The only reason being, I am so sleepy every morning. I do go to sleep at a decent time.. But my dreams are not nice.. I dont remember them exactly but when I get up in the morning, I know that I dreamt something strange, rather weird.

There is a lot going on around me personally and professionally. I simply want to be out of this place for sometime. I have not taken a vacation more than one and a half years which could also be the reason for the current state. I need to spend sometime away from everyone in the lap of the nature... I want to cut off from this whole world for a bit.. I want to go back to Doon and spend some time there. I want to meet Mam.. I know I am coming back to this phase very often lately but I cant help it.. I am just so tired of everything and everyone around me.. I need a break or I will break...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

We are the world.. We are the Champions...


Yes, this post should have come almost a week ago, but better late than never.. So finally we are the world champions... The much awaited ICC World Cup is ours.. What a nail biting match it was.. Every moment is truly cherished and it shall be lived for a long long time to come.. We all remember how dejected we felt in 2007 world cup

Like all, even I was nervous, tensed and had butterflies in the stomach.. This time I watched the match right from the start... And here start means, when the toss was done. This time, it was done twice.. The first time match referee could not hear among the noise of the crowd, who said what... Sri Lanka won the toss and as obvious, elected to bat first. The team who batted first had generally won the world cup.. Knowing our team it was easier for us to bat first than to chase.. But still we kept our hopes alive..

Though Sri Lanka started on a low note, Mahela Jayawardene's superb ton made sure that Sri Lanka gave us a pretty decent target to chase - 275 runs in 50 overs is what we needed to win.. Indian fielding was at its best, thanks to Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina specifically. Our bowlers managed to restrict the opponents superbly in the first few overs..

Not even for a moment, I got up from my chair.. I just did not want to miss any moment which may have been the best moment of the match.. Every expression, every boundary, every wicket falling is clearly etched in my mind.. Then came India's batting. All the hopes high, we waited with bated breath and heart beating faster... Couple of balls and Sehwag was out.. The first blow.. But its ok.. We still have the rest of the team.. Gautam and Sachin played some good knocks before Tendulkar was caught at his personal score of 18.. So the Little Master had to go back without completing his 100th ton in the world cup.. India's score was 31/2 at that time. Extremely crucial stage.. In came Virat Kohli. He and Gambhir took charge of the situation by playing some very good cricket. The runs kept flowing. Personally I get tensed when Malinga bowls.. You just dont know where his ball lands.. But that day, even he also could not do anything. When Kohli was out, everyone was waiting for the golden man - Yuvraj to come over and take over...

There was a surprise waiting. Instead of Yuvraj, in came our skipper - MS Dhoni.. Dhoni had been in good form of batting all this while. So yes, there was a lot of anxiety... The cricket that Dhoni and Gambhir played was world class. Together they had put up a partnership of more than 100 runs.. It seemed as if Sri Lankans did not know what to do to stop the men in blue.. With every boundary, the cheer grew louder and the dance wilder..Gambhir got out at 97.. He deserved that century but!! In came Yuvraj and then there was no stopping.. Dhoni hit the final six with ten balls to spare.. He did it again.. All the hell broke lose.. The sky lit up.. People came out on the streets to celebrate.. I myself was simply dancing and shouting all around the house...

My neighbours must have thought that I have gone mad.. I cant forget the look on our cricketers.. Tears of joy, laughter, the amazing feeling, the way they hugged each other, the wave to the crowd - it was all euphoric.. Those moments have come after waiting for 28 long years and completely worth it.. On a side note, some people did think that we are wasting our time in watching a stupid game.. The time could have been productively used. The money spent is insane. I am nowhere involved in all this. For me, it was a game that I have enjoyed since childhood and still do.. Its an individual choice. You dont want to watch it, dont. But please dont crib about why others are watching and enjoying. We have won the world cup.. Thats the most important thing. It is meant to be enjoyed.. So enjoy it till it lasts.. WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS...

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The clash of the titans...

is happening today. India vs. Pakistan world cup cricket semi final is on at Mohali.. Like every other Indian, even I am nervous.. Infact I am more nervous than my Physics board exam.. This match is crucial for both the teams.. Such is the hype, that both the nations' Prime Ministers are going to be present at the venue to watch it live.. I am not getting into the discussion, the nuisance caused by this decision of getting the two Prime Ministers together.

So while we dont have any official holiday today, everyone has decided to come early and leave early to make sure that every moment of the match is watched. I am also leaving early from the office to watch the match. I shall be glued to the television to watch every ball and cheer for our team. The snacks, biscuits, fanta etc. is all stocked up. I am going to scream and cheer at every six/boundary being hit by Indian batsmen.. Considering the rumours that this is Sachin's last world cup, I hope that we win this game. Infact today's match is more than a game. Its no less than a war.

The world will come to a stand still when the match will be on. There is nothing more important than to watch this nail biting match. I have cheered in every match. and I am going to cheer again at my loudest best today. The adrenalin rushing, the excitement, the nervousness, the tension - its all worth it.. Pray that India wins this match.. Go for it, Men in Blue.. All the best!!!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Posts, Postman and Post Offices..

Yesterday while going to the client ofice, I saw a postman, in his khakhi uniform, on his bicycle in the scorching sun, with a bundle of letters. It brought back the days in Doon when we used to wait eagerly for the postman to arrive with our letters. Except for Sunday and other gazetted holidays, every single day we got letters in our home.

It was so normal for us to see the postman everyday. Infact the day he did not come, we wondered what had happened. He was an old man inhis 50s, who had been coming to our house for many many years. Infact in all my years of stay in Doon, I saw the same person. He used to come on foot, with a khakhi bag and a few in his hand. All the letters were neatly arranged according to the addresses. He covered the entire area on foot. I was amazed by his memory and energy. Even if someone had written a wrong address, still he delivered the letter at the correct address. How could he remember everyone's name and address so distinctly. It was not a small area that he covered. I remember Mom always gave him sweets on Diwali and he was ever so thankful with a smiling face.

Its a change now. We dont write letters anymore. We dont send cards. We hardly use the post office. These have been replaced by emails, e-cards, phone calls, sms, courier service. The time has gone when we purchased cards, wrote letters, put stamps and post them. Then wait anxiously for the reply. Whenever I used to spot the postman on the road, I asked, if he had any letter for any of us.

I miss going to the post office, posting letters, cards and more importantly receiving replies. No matter what the season was - scorching heat, heavy rains or nail biting cold, the postman came and delivered the letters on time. I admired that old man, how he remembered every individual's name in our house. He knew all five of us by name. At times, we gave letters to him to post in the post office. Now the situation is, forget about the letters and postman, people have forgotten about a thing called Post Office. The collection of different stamps, spotting the postman, the smile that he brought with those letters is still unmatched. I love the feeling of those hand written letters, being pasted, stamped and then posted. How many journeys that letter does before it finally reaches our hands. I miss all of these..

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Pathetic

Right at this moment, I am in an extremely pathetic mood.. There are multiple reasons to it.. I guess I am too affected by the circumstances around me.. Dealing with my close friends' problems, my own professional problems, Mom's health problems and then problems in the home...
I need a break from all this.. I am tied up in chains.. I need a miracle.. I need solutions.. I need some peace.. I need rest.. I need some love.. I need assurance.. I cant be assuring every one else all the time, when I am the weakest from deep inside... Its so very stressful for me... I need that one comforting word, shoulder, hand which shall lift me up.. May be I need God!!!

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Holds true for me..

Read this on internet... Its so beautiful.. I feel so much connected with it...

Kitabo ke panne palat ke sochte hai,
Youn palat jae zindagi to kya baat hai
Tamanna jo puri ho khwabon mein,
Haqiqat ban jaye to kya baat hai
Kuch log matlab ke liye dhundte hai mujhe,
Bin matlab koi aaye to kya baat hai
Katal kar ke to sab le jayenge dil mera,
Koi baato se le jaaye to kya baat hai
Jo sharifo ki sharafat mein baat na ho,
Ek sharabi keh jaaye to kya baat hai
Zinda rehne tak to khushi dunga sabko,
Kisi ko meri maut pe
khushi mil jaye to kya baat hai

Friday, March 04, 2011

Confession

You give me the wings to fly
You give me a reason to smile
You help me to let my sorrows go by
Walk with me for that extra mile....

Friday, February 25, 2011

When you want everything to end...

Its one of those days(again!!!) when I want everything to end. I am slipping into such state of mind very often now. I find everything around me meaningless, hopeless and uninteresting.. I find fault all around me, within me and in the whole world. I want to scream at the top of my voice to let it all go.. I cant sleep, cant work, cant sit at one place, cant concentrate.. I am restless.. I need a break from everything and everyone around me.. I want to run away to a place where I dont need to do anything. I want to lie down, sit and watch and think and read... I am tired of running around.. Taking care of everything around me is taking its toll... I know I am not doing what I want to do.. But I dont have a choice right now. Infact sometimes I wonder what is it that I want to do.. I guess, may be, just play guitar the whole day.. Get on to it fast and start playing in a band.. Buy a SLR and go on photography trips.. Bag pack.. Explore the different parts of the country/world.. Pen down those experiences... Does it sound like a life long party.. May be then thats what I want.. But at the end of the day, I do want to come back home to my love... It seems as if I am running away from everyone or running after something that is/was never mine.. Am I trying to figure myself out in this crowd. I am lost in the daily rigmarole of life.. For the next few years, I have a big responsibility on my head which I have to take care of. There is a home loan that I need to re-pay.. I am waiting for it to get over soon. Who knows, after that I might just go back to Doon - the place where my heart and soul come to a rest, and settle permanently.. But currently speaking, I just dont want to do anything.. Yes, there are few things in my professional/personal life which are upsetting me in a BIG way. I am losing interest... I am exhausted, tired, weak...I am not outside, what I am inside.. It sucks!!!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Bryan Adams and Me


Bryan Adams is rocking the city of Pune while I write this post. Only I know how much I wanted to attend this concert ever since I came to know about it in November.. But as luck would have it, I have missed it yet again!!! :-( My association with Bryan Adams goes back to school days.. He was the first singer whom I was introduced to when I started listening to English songs.. The first song is the obvious one: Everything I do and then Please Forgive Me... I had simply fallen in love with this singer without even seeing him.. I guess my love for guitar also comes from there..

As I grew up, I got more and more hooked to him and his songs.. In every party, me and a friend of mine sang at the top of our voice to his Summer of '69; ofcourse not to forget our dance... I still remember what the client Manager said when I was being released from my first project: 'I had no clue about Bryan Adams and his songs.. But thanks to this lady..Now I know all the songs of Bryan Adams as well as like him..' My playlist always began with his songs... His songs pull a string in my heart.. Who can not get turned on listening to 'Lets make a night' or 'Inside Out' or 'Have you ever really loved a woman' or 'When you love someone'... The list goes on and on and on...

I remember last time when he had come to India, how much I missed going to his concert.. and today again I have missed his show. Though this time I had decided to go for it, but I guess it was not meant for me... May be some other time when the time, space and fate will permit...

Friday, February 04, 2011

My love..

for armed forces is no secret from anyone. Infact all those who know me, personally or through this blog know very well how touchy and emotional I am about armed forces. I personally believe that people in armed forces are cut above the rest. They stand on a pedestal higher than the rest of the world. I am not trying to put down anyone's profession or work but yes, what armed forces do for us is we should be thankful for.

Like I said in one of my earlier posts that my house is very close to the airport, which means that I get to witness the commercial aircrafts and the Sukhois everyday. Now this has become interesting as well as a little dangerous.

Everytime a sukhoi flies above our building, I go out to see and salute.. I have seen them performing aerobatics which simply takes your breath away. Imagine a magnificent plane taking off and doing a sort of whirlwind up in the sky.. Just takes my heart away with it. I literally skip my heart beat for a second. No it does not disturbs my sleep nor I have any issue with their loud sound when they fly above us. Till this time, everything is ok...

The problem starts when I am driving and sukhois take off. The road which I normally take to go to office or elsewhere also is the airport road.. Generally early in the morning, many Sukhois take off, I guess for their regular sortie.. Thats where the problem starts. I have this tendency of getting distracted and looking up in the sky when they fly by... There are times when I did not realise that I am riding, therefore I should be concentrating on driving. My head automatically turns to look for the plane, which means that sometimes I have literally turned my head back while riding.. People around me have given my angry glances at times, which I know is fair enough. I agree that its dangerous but then I just turn around to have a look at them.

I cannot resist them when I hear their sound. I am sure I sound like a crazy girl who id madly in love with forces, but thats how I am. I sometimes have to make a conscious effort not to get distracted by these planes. I have avoided quite a few hits because of this behaviour. I am aware that I need to behave like a responsible and matured citizen atleast.. Now I tell myself whenever I am driving not to look up in the air, no matter what. I literally have to talk to myself to concentrate.. That seems to be the only way out for me for the time being..

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The music flows in the air...

And all this while, when I was busy setting up the house, arranging the stuff, running around the market and other places to the house fixed, my mind/heart was looking for one special place... A place where I could revive my guitar lessons.. I came to know about a place which was close to where I was staying before I shifted to my new house, but somehow I was not convinced... Too far off and then some odd timings...

Yes, I have my own set of rules... So while I was casually talking to our new neighbour one day, I just asked if he knows of any music school in our area.. He said that there is one just when we enter our lane.. I was surprised since I had never noticed any.. Given the fact, that I enter/exit the lane everyday, how could I miss this one.. Right at that time, I went and carefully examined every door and found that Rock School... What a school it is.. A real Rock music school it is... Walls painted with spray paints, posters of all the rock bands, room with wooden walls, guitars, keyboards, drums... How did I miss it...

I didnt waste any more time.. Off I went to the school, enquired about the timings, fees, any rules etc etc and got myself enrolled... The classes have started.. Yes, I have forgotten some chords.. The fingers need practice again but yes, its not that I cant do it again... My feet are tapping again, I am restless to back to my guitar and practice again... I had initially thought of playing in our company's annual day but since I realized how out of touch I had been, those dreams were kept aside... Still I am happy to have found the music school... The classes have started and I am learning well...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Of ink pens, inkpots, blotting paper and dropper...

A few days back one of the authors had come to our company for her book launch and also for its promotion. The book being Leading Ladies by Sudha Menon.. It was a good session. But this is not what this post is for. At the end of the session, we all had the choice of buying the book at a discounted price. So the HR representative was noting down the names of all those who bought the books. What caught my attention was her pen. She was using a fountain pen in this age of ball pens, gel pens, pilot pens..

It suddenly took me to more than 20 years back when I had just started to use a pen.. The first pen that I was given was an ink pen. I remember how excited I was to hold a pen and feel grown up. How I waited to pass the Class IV exams and enter Class V.. The only attraction was the pen. The mighty pen. It gave me a sense of being big and responsible. I had seen my parents use it and now it gave me a chance to use it. I was happy to give away the pencil at that time. No more sharpening of pencils every night. It was replaced by filling up the pens with the inks. The first ink pen that I got was of blue color. I still remember that royal blue color and how much I loved it.

Later on my Nanaji gifted me a Chinese ink pen which was a luxury at that time. He loved my hand writing and wanted me to use the best of the pen. He also knew that I am very particular about my things, so he thought of giving me an expensive pen. Oh Boy, that pen was lovely... It was a black metal pen with some golden dragon style imprint on the rim of of its cap.. It wrote beautifully. It was as if, the pen was made for me. Infact I also loved my handwriting whenever I used that pen. Moreover, Nanaji had given me his own pen so it was all the more precious to me.. I loved filling up ink every night, and ofcourse I had to keep blotting paper in my pencil box everyday. I did not allow anyone to use my pen. The reason being, everyone has a different style of holding a pen and writing. So if two people use the same ink pen, the nib goes awry. So no matter what the other person thought, I did not share my ink pen. In the school if someone asked me for my pen, they never got my ink pen, no matter how close the person was.

I had two kinds of ink pen. The one where pen had an inbuilt dropper sort. So you just dip the pen in the ink bottle, press the rubber tube once at the end of the nib and the ink would be filled. The other one was with a small compartment in the lower part of the pen. So the ink had to be poured into it. I was not very fond of this kind of pen. But then we used droppers to fill up the pen. The only advantage of this pen was, we knew how much ink is remaining unlike the previous pen, where we had to take out all the ink and then refill it. I remember how much I cried the day my pencil box was stolen in Class X. My pencil box had a lot of stuff. My pens, pencils, rubber, sharpener, scale, blotting paper, dropper.. Some of them were very old and were with me since my childhood. But I was crying only for my ink pens. I even had the idea who had stolen my pencil box but I had no way prove it.. Nanaji did buy another pen for me, but my heart was with that black one which was given in Class V..

Now I dont have any ink pen, but I long to have one with that kind of perfect nib. I did try a lot of ink pens and some branded ones as well, but nothing came close to what I want. I guess I shall go to that shop again once I am in Doon to look for that kind of pen. I dont even know whether they still get those kinds of ink pens or whether todays kids still use ink pens. But I heart those people who use ink pens. I love it, no matter how messy or cumbersome it may be to fill them every night, be careful about not spilling the ink or be careful about the nib. Its an ink pen which for me, is a luxury par words can define.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Are brothers/sisters not part of one family ???

Our Company's annual event was held last month... I wanted to participate but then there were reasons why I could not... Anyways, I still went ahead to take the pass after much dilly dallying... We could bring our family along since this was the annual event where the company allows us to bring our families and people get to know more about each other... Mom had never attended this event before, so I decided to collect the pass for it.
The event was strictly meant for the employees and their (immediate) family members upto a maximum of 4 per employee, including the employee... That means, there were 4 meal coupons attached with every pass.. No friends, acquaintances allowed.. So far so good...
When I went to collect the pass, they asked me who all are coming.. I said that it would be my parents and brother. I wanted to have all the meal coupons ( Had thought of asking one of Mom's relative and her mother to join us).. To my surprise, they said that coupons cannot be issued for siblings... Why??? No reason..
Just to make it light, the person said that the company doesnt recognises brother/sister to be a part of the family.. My reaction: !!!!!!

I just kept quiet after that.. But felt it was utterly foolish on their part, not to allow siblings...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

On the work front..

Things just dont seem to be working out. I am still looking out for a decent project and have not been able to find any. One of our big client has ramped down a lot of project which has resulted in a release of big chunk of employees to the pool.. Not a good situation to be in.

The frustration level is increasing day by day but I am still keeping the hope.. Something good will happen. May be this is my testing time and God wants me to be patient enough. My confirmation appraisal is due in the next few days... But I have nothing to say in that. Mainly because of the fact that I did not do anything concrete in the past 6 months that I have spent here. Some odd work keeps coming my way but its not a proper project.. I am not sure what lies ahead of me and for me... I just hope that this is not the lull before the storm.

I get quiet responses when I try to enquire or ask. This cold attitude is putting me off.. I want this to end and start working full fledgedly. I could have left easily and moved on, but there are some financial complications involved. Also given the fact that I have financial liabilities on my head, I just cant quit and sit at home. Its scary for me at the moment. I almost broke down while talking to an extremely dear friend yesterday night.

I am praying hard day and night to get some work. Everyday Mom cheers me up before I leave for office. I have never been so tensed before for my work. There were work related problems but not job related as such. Right now I am unsettled and worried. I dont want to lose it any cost. God has to help me out. He knows it very well, how much I need this to work out at this moment.. I trust Him.. Amen!!!

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

You and I.....

Why you and I together are headed towards an unknown destination? We both dont know why we talk to each other, feel comfortable with each other, want to meet, spend time and have those long unending talks.. What is it about you and I that brings us close? Why did I feel so sad when you talked about your past? I have stopped experiencing pain long ago but I did for you.. Why? Why am I being drawn to you? I can feel the same from your end as well. Why do you want to get close to me? I have build a wall around myself but slowly you are breaking it.. I myself dont know why am I allowing you to break it? Why do you want to enter in my life? I dont want anyone else, anymore with me to drain me out.. I am so very confused at this very moment.

You have come like a fresh breath of air but still I want to keep myself away from you. I want to talk to you, at the same time I am trying hard not to. I am being indecisive. I am slowly melting towards you. I was this cold as ice, hard as a rock, dead person from inside. Why do you want me to live again. I was just ok with my life, with whatever way it was going. Now why do I wait to talk to you? Did I allow you to shake me up or did you manage to do it on your own. Shall I allow you to become a part of life? What kind of relationship do we share? I yearn to be with you, yet at the same time, I dont want to be.

Where are we headed to? Its silly to look for an answer right now. I need to live in the present but its the future that scares me the most. Infact I am scared of the present also. Is it because that I am scared of being happy. I know I am happy with you. I am putting all my trust in you, despite being so unsure myself. Why am I doing this, even I dont know. All I can say right now is that I am scared, confused and feeling weak... If it is meant to happen, then just be here... Please dont go...