Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lonely Holi

Holi day is about to dawn in less than twelve hours from now.. But I have no joy in my heart.. This is another lonely Holi for me.. Not that I am too enthusiastic about this festival but being absolutely alone on a festival sometimes takes on your mental peace... It seems the colors make a mockery of me.. I see no colors anywhere.. I have not even bought any color.. The customary gulal, Mom used to ask me to buy has also not been bought. I only bought a couple of gujiyas, but cant have them since again my stomach is upset.. Sometimes I wonder why do these festivals come.. It makes me feel even more lonely and depressed.. When I see people around me happy and enjoying with their friends, family I get only tears in my eyes.. Nobody visits me. I know no one.. I dont go anywhere.. I tried going to our society park once, in the hope that I will meet people there and have some fun.. I came back as clean as I went.. Not a single shade of color on me.. I have nothing to do tomorrow. Its just a holiday for me. The guitar class is also not there, otherwise I would have spent some time there.. Now the only thing on my mind is, I shall practice guitar at home.. If my stomach is better, then I shall have a bite of gujiya otherwise it shall be distributed..

On a side note, the pain has subsided.. It occurs sometimes but the frequency is less and the degree as well. I have not seen the doctor yet.. I guess there is nothing to worry about..

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The heart aches....

Yes, you got that right.. The heart is aching.. Ironically, today on valentine's day I am not talking about the emotional pain(which is always there and is here to stay forever, I guess) but the physical pain... There is a pain in the heart that I feel.. I have had this pain previously as well but not at this level.. For the past few days, I get this pain very frequently.. The pain lasts for a few seconds.. During that time, I am not able to breathe properly.. I open my mouth and try to gasp as much air as possible.. I get restless.. I get sweat on my forehead.. I stroke myself at that time.. My eyes go blank.. Once the pain goes, it takes me a few minutes to get back to normal.. I have to take deep breaths.. I have noticed that this is happening almost every day now.. And not just once a day but more than that... Yesterday was worst.. It happened almost 4-5 times... Infact at one time, I was driving and I was alone.. Thank God at that time, it was not too much otherwise I dont know what would have happened. Its possible that there is nothing but the pain in those few seconds is unbearable.. I am contemplating whether I should go and see a doctor.. May be I am over-reacting and its because of some acidity.. May be there is a blockage.. May be there is absolutely nothing at all.. I dont know how I should react to it. Is it some indication or is it nothing.. I am prepared for everything and anything that is to come along.. Bring it on..

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The effects teachers have!!!

Few days back, I was feeling very low.. Yes, there were reasons behind it but I had no control over them, nor my heart which was crying.. The tears refused to stop, no matter how much I tried. I guess, the glands are still active negating my thinking that they have dried up. I was sitting alone and didnt know what to do.. At that time, I only needed a person whom I could talk to. Instantly I dialed Mam's number. Few minutes of chatting with her and I felt so light and at peace. I did not tell her about any problem, but talking to her gave me peace. The heart breaking feelings are still there, but that day she made me feel so much better.

She never taught me in the school. Infact I joined this school much later. She is a junior school teacher. Never even saw her in the school, though I knew about her. I never interacted with her. She never knew me all the while I was a student, but destiny brought us together. A lost-in-touch friend of mine, who was her student, introduced me to her. I developed an instant liking to her. I knew her as a brave woman. I had always admired her even before meeting her. May be because I was aware about her hardships in life, which were very similar to Mom's...

But whatever be the case, I started sharing with her everything. First time when we met, it didnt seem like the first time. It was, as if we knew each other since long. I still remember the lovely lunch that she cooked for me. She gives me all her love and affection unconditionally. She listens to me. She guides me. She lets me be just me. She advises me. She understands me. She gives me the freedom to think. She supports me. Whenever I go to Doon, meeting her is always on my agenda. I feel guilty/sad if I am not able to meet her, while I am there. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get so much love from her. At a time, when I was getting all the pressure to get married unconvincingly, she was even ready to talk to my family.

Now also, I know if I am restless or bothered, whom do I have to turn to. I feel secured in her company. She has some amazing way to sense my restlessness. She will not say anything specifically but still she will put me to rest.. She is my savior. I truly feel blessed to have her in my life. I love you, Mam..

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Missing you..

As I walk in the dark, my eyes look for you. My heart is pounding fast against my chest. My breath is heavy. My pulse is high. I am scared. I am alone. I am sad. I look back only to see that there is no one. Yet I hope that there was someone. I want to hold your hand. I want you to comfort me. I need your shoulder to lean on. I need your arms to wrap around me. The hug, the smile. The assurance, the trust.

The tears well up everytime I see myself alone. The heart becomes restless. It is constantly looking for you in the crowd. Waiting for you, so that once you will come up to me and tell me how much you love me.. You will put me at ease. You will tell me that you are there for me. I want to see you when I wake up in the morning. I want to watch the stars in the night with you. I want to take a walk with you on a moonlit night on the beach. I want to feel the wind on my face and in my hair with you. I want to dance in the rain with you. I feel like to cuddle up with you under a warm duvet on a cold, winter evening.

I will know that you are there to support me whenever I will fall. I will be there to turn around the world for you, when things go wrong. I want you to come back to me whenever you need someone. We will share our dreams, we will build our memories, we will fight together against all odds and emerge as winners. We will come back home to each other, only to find solace in each other's company. We will have those small arguments, yet the love will remain. An occassional distance from each other, will make our hearts go fonder. We will chat till wee hours of the morning. We will not close our eyes, since that means we will not see each other. Whenever we will close our eyes, we will only see our faces. We will be proud of our achievements and yet hold each other whenever the other is about to fall. We will be the strongest support, whenever we will need one. But where are you....

[I am on an emotional high and these thoughts are running through my mind. :-(]