Thursday, December 30, 2010

What a decade...

it has been.... 2010 is about to come to an end and so is this decade... The journey from 2000 - 2010 has been quite eventful for me.. If 90s were all about education, studying, school, college, numerous dreams, friends, Dehra Dun, hopes, carefree life then this decade was all about work, job, travel, love lost, getting lonelier, moving, visiting places, buying house, experiencing life more closely, getting worried about future and moving out of Doon...

If I start with 2000, that was the year I lost my Nanaji and world came crashing down.. This year saw me leaving Doon.. The year also saw me moving into the big city of Pune and start my career. The year also witnessed us leaving our own house and moving to a rented place... The decade has seen a transformation of a young girl of merely 23 years who was scared to move into a big city to a mature woman of 33 years who has travelled alone in the night and to different parts of the country/world...

If I look back at this decade and analyze it, I have gained professionally a lot but lost personally majorly.. Yes there are a few good relations made, but the loss is tremendous. It has also seen me transform from someone who believed in love to someone who is slowly turning into a indifferent, cold, hard person.. I have lived alone, cried hot tears of anger, sometimes pitied, sometimes sympathized and sometimes angry at myself.. Still at the end of the day, I have managed to emerge out of it as strong as I can be, ready to face the brutalities of the selfish world..

A decade ago when I started working and moved to Pune, we had nothing... No money, no house, no security.. all that I had with me was dreams, hopes, zeal to make it big, my will to work hard... It allowed me to stick on... I grew confident of what I did and said.. I have happily cut those so called ribbons of relations, which were fake... People who gave me attitude, got double in return.. Some of them I dont care about any more... There are some whom I have become extremely fond of... They are going to stay with me forever, thats what I think as of now...

The decade saw me travelling to different parts of the country/world, which were extremely satisfying and rich in experience... This was my dream since childhood that once I grow up, I am going to travel to different places.. All the visits were purely for vacation sake... No company paid holidays or work-cum-pleasure visits, thankfully... Thats what makes me even more happier.. I managed to travel to so many places on my own. Of,course there was a lot of planning/saving involved each time, but thats what made it the best...

There are still a lot of places that I want to visit in the years to come.. Hopefully, some of the travel plans should materialize... The decade also witnessed me living alone and managing the house. I started cooking which I never liked before.. Surprisingly, I never learnt cooking as such.. But I found out that I am a very decent cook, whose meals have been liked and loved by every single person.. So I would like to believe that I have acquired the magic of my Mom's hands...

While I know that not everyone gets everything, what they wish for, I also know that God tries to balance out the gaps.. I have been quite unlucky in terms of having good relationship/love but I also believe that there must be something good in that.. God must have thought about it.. May be He wanted me to have other rich experiences before I finally take a breather..

The best part of this decade would be, buying my own house.. The last three/four posts have been about my home, still I want to write more about it.. I still marvel at myself many times for taking such a huge step.. Mom had been the biggest support behind it.. She had been asking me buy one for the quite a few years but I avoided.. Finally when I realized that it has to be now or never, that I took this big decision... One of my distant relative, who is extremely fond of me, someone who is also responsible for giving a flight to my career, whom I respect a lot for her independence and taking everything in her stride said to me: "I bought a house when I was 45 years old, but you bought a house when you are less than 35 years. I am so proud of you. You have done what many boys could not have done." She very fondly calls the main bedroom as Mistress Bedroom as opposed to the Master bedroom.. :-)

So this decade has brought a lot of change in me and my life, some of them were good, some not so good.. But I guess thats what and how life is.. As we step into the next one, I hope to have some more good experiences and move forward.. Just want to stick on with the relationships that are present currently.. About finding love, I am just leaving it as it is...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dont issue any cheque on your birthday...

What happens when you issue a cheque on your birthday...
Ans: When you mention the date, the year is mentioned as your year of birth. The cheque is returned, stating 'Stale Cheque'.

Thats what happened with me a few days back. I issued a cheque for some payment on my birthday. Mentioned my year of birth instead of 2010.. (I guess I am too conditioned to write my exact date of birth as we do while filling up other forms)

Moral of the Story : Dont issue cheques on your birthday.. Or check twice after you have issued the cheque.. :-)

Monday, December 27, 2010

My Heavenly Abode...



I always sing this song :

chhota sa ghar hoga baadlon ki chhaon mein,
asha deewani man mein bansuri bajaye,
hum he hum chamkenge taaron ke us gaon mein,
aankhon ki roshni har dum ye samjhaye.


Infact this is my favourite song ever.. If someone ever asks me to sing a song, this is what I sing.. And now this song has come true in my life.. This is my home.. Like the words say: baadlon ki chhaon mein,it is on the top floor... Love every nook and corner of this home which is now mine...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Life in the past one and a half months in points...

- shifted and moved into my own house.. What a horrendous experience it was with the movers & Packers(again!!!)... We were unloading the stuff till 10 in the night. It was not because of any reason that we had a big house and too much stuff.. The packers arrived after the afternoon and then we finally packed, shifted... By the end of the day, I was almost in tears and half dead.. They charged me double the amount than it was agreed upon.. They refused to unload the stuff till I gave them the money in advance. For the first time in my life, I realized if there was even one guy with me, all this would not have happened. I am not even counting the damage that they did to our stuff.. The whole of next day I and Mom were unpacking the boxes alone, without any help... Its been more than a month but still we havent arranged everything properly..

- Numerous visits by electrician, carpenter, plumber, painter, building engineer, curtain walla have kept us on our toes... Everyday something or the other goes wrong and need to be fixed.. So a visit by one of the service providers.. Its been a nightmare, I tell you.. I am longing for a weekend when I can just relax, without any visit from anyone, without having to visit anyone.. On top of it, we had no maid till the beginning of this month..

- A quick trip to Mumbai in between for 3 days to attend a cousin's wedding. The weather was horrible.. It was humid and it sucked.. I was sweaty, sticky and looked like an oily paratha ... On top of it, there was a reaction on my face, post a visit to the parlour.. Lack of sleep and not enough rest made sure that Mom was unwell post the trip. She had developed mouth ulcer and could not even drink water, forget about eating anything.

- Not sure about the project on work front, till now. I am doing few things, but nothing concrete as such.. Have been dragged into something totally new, about which I have no clue. I am reading stuff from whatever sources I could manage, with limited access to web in office..

- No internet connection for more than a month ensured that I did not reply to emails, messages, no updates on blog.. Friends who did not know about my moving to Pune, have been trying to contact me through FB, but I could not reply to them.. Limited access to web in office and no time at all on any weekend to go and search for a nearest cyber cafe..

- In between all this mayhem, my birthday also came and went just like any other day.. I had thought of going out for dinner with Mom, but then her health did not permit us.

It has been a crazy month for us.. Still we have to arrange our stuff.. My poor cupboard is begging for attention and I am royally ignoring it. I have simply dumped stuff wherever it is meant to be... The real challenge arrives when we need something.. We know its there in the house, but where is it - thats the big question... In between all this, I sometimes sit back and look around... All this is mine.. Its MY house.. Ofcourse there is a big home loan on my head now, but that is a part of it.. No girl, rather no one in our family had bought a house at such young age... I am getting all praises from people around me. Like one of my cousin told me : 'Take it in. Its very seldom that people praise you.' I agree and graciously accepted all the compliments.. :-) Still working on turning the house into a home..

Friday, October 29, 2010

Moving...

Today is significant for me.. The last working day of this month. The last day in this project. The last day in my current house. The last day of living in a rented place.. From tomorrow onwards, I shall be living in my own house that I have bought here..

Yes, finally I am a proud owner of a house on this planet, which I am waiting to convert into a home.. Its going to be a mad house for the next few days for me.. Already i am going insane with the never ending work of carpenter, fixtures, getting all the necessary things together, making endless trips to my house to settle as much stuff as possible.. Still the major part is left.. I have just managed to move my clothes to the new house.. Rest everything remains which shall be done tomorrow. Then comes the major part of arranging the house... But I guess this will be for a long time, this time.. I will not have to take in the landlord, broker's attitude anymore.. No more rent agreements, request for extending the agreement after every 11 months, negotiating on the rent...

I am waiting to decorate my house.. The stuff that I have bought over the years from my various trips, which is still lying packed in some cartons.. The kitchen has been done.. The wardrobes are done.. Only the house is waiting for us to come in, and turn it into a home.. I have a huge terrace, equivalent to the size of the flat which is an added advantage. My friends have already decided to have a barbeque party there, considering the good location and the right weather - festival season plus there is a nip in the air announcing the mild winters that this place experiences..

Its a nice bright house on the top floor, with lots of sunshine and cool breeze... I loved the place the moment I saw it.. Two big balconies, French windows, an average sized kitchen and two fairly sized bedrooms. I love my room specially which has a big glass door, opening to a balcony... I will not get to see the morning sun, but I shall witness the sunset... I still have to get the bathrooms done and get some extra storage space made, but that will be done eventually, given the fact that I am totally broke now..

I shall witness the planes(YAY!!!) frequently but there is no noise.. My love for planes shall be fulfilled to an extent.. It was an amazing feeling to see my name on the name board of the building... Its a sense of achievement, which is indescribable.. 10 years back when I came to this city, I had nothing.. No money, no house, no vehicle, no friends, no place to go to... Even after spending 5 years here initially, the city seemed to be a stranger to me.. But not anymore.. I am happy to be here and ready to embrace it.. My first diwali at this place will be a special one.. Now that I am moving, it will be sometime before I get the net connection.. So see you after sometime.. Waiting to move into my home... :-)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Uprooted

Yesterday was one of those days when I was not feeling good at all. There were multiple things doing a whirlwind in my head. I was not at ease. My heart was restless. I had tears all the day.. My eyelids were heavy.. I had a sinking feeling.. Something like when you lose someone very precious... I knew I was hurt.. Something was bothering me. I had not slept even for a moment the previous night.

I felt extremely weak and vulnerable.. I would have given in to anything... I could not eat anything. I was not hungry. I had to eat forcibly and then take a medicine to help digest the food.. I was not at my desk for the whole day. I spent the entire day sitting on bench under a tree in the office campus.. I felt so very unwanted. I wanted the world to end. There was nothing I wanted to live for. There was nothing to feel good about. I carried a book with me, but I could not read even a word.

It was a strange feeling. I have felt like this before as well many times.. Its pathetic. I was missing someone very badly.. I wanted to hold him.. I wanted him to hold me.. But there was no one around. It seemed that all this while, till now I was living in a dream world.. Now suddenly all the dreams are shattered and I am back to the real world... I was emotionally, mentally, physically uprooted. I wanted to run away to some far off place, where no one knew me. No one would ask me any questions. The loneliness will engulf me and drown me in deep sea of sadness. It was crazy and insane. The day seemed much longer than the usual days. I packed my bags, went home and slept for no reason.. Such days are difficult for me to handle. I try to keep myself sane, but I know inside I am very weak and do anything wrong. Rather anyone can take advantage of it... May be on these days, God remains by my side and takes care of me, rather than just letting me go... I am ok...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Social Networking Sites

While updating the status on one of the social networking site, I realized how much our lives are centered around them. Few years back, I remember how much one of my office friend in Gurgaon pestered me to open an account on Orkut, which I found completely chirkut (not sure if there is any such word).. But yes, I found a lot of long lost friends through that site and I couldnt be more thankful for it.. Writing scraps, instead of emails, uploading our latest pictures, giving latest information about ourselves is the norm, which also made it quite interesting.

At the same time, people could find other like-minded people through the site and make friends with them. There were communities which anyone could join, depending on their interest. People also get alerts about your birthday... This meant even if who didnt know about your birthday gets a chance to wish you.. I found this quite amusing.. There are a lot of people with whom you dont talk for the whole year.. Rather you never talk to them.. They are in your friend's list since you knew them at some point of time - may be through school, college, friend of friend, work place, hometown, it could be any reason..

I also realized that how these sites have become an important part of everyone in today's life.. Whatever is happening in your life, you dont have to tell everyone separately or call them or drop a mail.. Just update your status and the whole world knows about it... And then people may comment and like your status.. Infact that becomes a point of discussion sometimes. You can write what and how are you feeling, where are you going, what did you eat, what do you want to eat, what are you wearing, what do you want to buy.. Just about anything that you can think of.. No questions asked..

While social networking sites are a great way to connect with people, sometimes I feel that personal human touch is lost somewhere. We dont write letters anymore.. We dont wish people either through cards or phone.. There are just a few scraps, comments, like, super like, games on everyone's profile page- especially if it is facebook. Then there is Twitter where you give updates about every second of your life - right from waking up in the morning to going to the washroom, to breaking up, dating, and then sleeping... So if you want to know about whats happening in someone's life or how they are, you dont have to call them or write to them.. Just go through their profile page and you will know everything. I understand that technology has its own advantages and disadvantages. It has certainly given us a way to find people, be in their friend's list, write to them whenever you want to, but I miss that warmth.. I am the kind who likes to call people, send birthday wishes through cards, write letters.. I do wish people on these sites but only those with whom I am connected through internet. And there are a few, whom I may not wish, since I know they would not respond. I am like that...

I am not sure if its good to have these sites.. Sometimes there is too much information floating on the net.. It does makes us vulnerable to identity thefts, with the information being misused.. Like I said, there are pros and cons in it, still we use them including myself. Still I miss that hand written letters era, of shopping for greeting cards, making cards, posting them and get a thank you in return.. Thats a different smile and feeling altogether.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Tummy goes topsy turvy

Another problem.. Seems like all that I write about are problems, problems and problems...

Its been more than 3-1/2 months since I am here.. While I wrote a few posts back that my digestion has improved, which means no upset stomach and weight gain, here comes out the reality... My stomach has gone haywire again.. And right now, its in an extremely bad shape... Since yesterday I have spent more time in the toilet than outside... I have no energy... I cannot digest anything.. Even the lightest and simple curd-rice, is not accepted by my stomach.. I am hungry, but cannot eat anything.. And now with anti-biotics, my taste buds have also gone bad..

All this while, I was happy that since I have come to Pune, my stomach problem is cured and now I can eat anything, without any worry... I guess I was wrong.. My stomach has showed its true form.. Infact for the past few days, I was not feeling good about my stomach.. I thought that its just my imagination.. Nothing wrong will happen... How wrong I was.. I had to take a day off.. I would say, rather work from home.. Mom has called several times.. She is more worried, since she knows how I behave when my stomach is upset...

I am waiting for her to be here soon... Now that I know the reality of it, I am going to take it easy.. I dont want this horrifying experience again.. Its a torture for a foodie like me.. Infact it will be a torture for anyone.. Imagine, not being able to eat anything - not even simple daal chawal... I hope to get better soon and start my regular medication again.. If thats the way to keep stomach under control, then let it be...

Thursday, October 07, 2010

And the hunt starts again...

Its been barely a couple of months in the current project. While I was still learning, getting used to the jargons, getting to know people, the processes, here comes the news : I am being released from this project and I need to find another one.. The timeframe is almost at the end of this month. The reason given is quite vague.. The project for which I was primarily aligned, has been pushed by another two quarters and now they dont know when will the project start.. So to reduce the overhead cost, I am being released. The team for the primary project was yet to be formed.. We were supposed to start working on this project from Mid Oct.. Since quite a few days, I was waiting for the team to be formed, since the skill request forms were filled in..

Now that the project has been postponed, I dont feel any good about it. I am still in the probation period.. Have not done any concrete project till now.. This might have a negative impact on the confirmation process which will happen in another 3 months timeframe. I have never been so tensed as I am now.. I have some financial commitments to take care of. There are a lot of other responsibilities on my head. I feel as if I am in a deep dark pit.. Getting a new project is not any easy task. When you are a new joinee, at that time, the system has to allocate a new project to you since thats the reason I was taken into the organization. But now that the project is postponed, I have to struggle and find my way out to get a new project. Also the companies these days dont allow people to remain in pool for a longer term, since its an unnecessary cost to the organization.

I have spoken to a few people since thats how you get the project.. I dont know whats happening but there is a constant pressure in my head. I am not able to sleep, ever since I got this news. These constant changes are playing a havoc in my personal as well as professional life. I am not sure if this is for good or should I expect something worse.. My personal life is no better at this moment. At times, I get a feeling, if I made any mistake by coming back here.. I know nothing great was happening back in my previous organization.. I wanted to move out of there as quickly as possible. But then why these constant changes ever since I came here.. I am not being allowed to settle down anywhere.. To cite a small example, within a span of 3 months, I have changed 5 desks... So one can imagine that I am constantly dealing with a change, which is currently doing no good to me.. I need sometime to settle down... I am not sure what to infer out all these changes.. One thing is definitely there - I dont feel good... I need a strong prayer to help me settle down..

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Strangled Marriages and estranged relationships....

Here comes again the much coveted topic of marriages, relationships, spouses... Though I do believe in the institution of marriage but not at the cost of sacrificing one's individuality.. Yes, marriage is good in its own way but not if you have to forego your own personality and accept it just because it has to be... For me, marriage means coming together of two individuals who can complement each other for a life time. There should be love, respect and more over acceptance... And if there is no love left, its better to move out rather than drag on the relationship just for the sake of it..

Why have I chosen to write about moving on, is because currently I am in contact with two very close friends, who are going through a tough phase in their married lives.. And to come to think of it, in one of the case, the couple is my friend.. Lets put it like this... Couple 1 where V = Boy, M = Girl... Couple 2 where I know only the girl. Lets call her R.

In the case of first couple, I know V since childhood. Though he is not my friend directly but we have known each other since school days. Our families have known each other.. He treats me like his elder sister.. We have many childhood memories of good and some funny stuff that have happened in our lives.. For me, there was no difference between him and my brother.. We always used to joke, that it will always be V who will get married first among all of us.. We even had a bet.. So when V's marriage was fixed, we are all elated.. The first marriage of a close friend and ofcourse we won the bet.. V's wife M is quite young to him.. The moment I met her, she and I developed an instant liking for each other.. She loves me more than her own sister.. Same goes for me.. I love her to death.. Absolutely fun loving and an extremely nice person.. I thought that they made a very good pair and was thankful to God that they made such a nice pair.. Things were alright for sometime, till I discovered that M has been spending a lot of time away from V.. First I thought that it could be due to her studies, exams.. But when the time gap increased, I spoke to her since I could feel the tension.. She broke down.. V had been ill-treating her.. He had not only mentally abused her but physically as well... He had beaten her to black and blue.. He had done everything that a man could possibly do to break the marriage.. I did not know how to react.. Anger, frustration, sadness, tears all came to me at one go.. I just feel like punching V's face hard.. M is devastated currently.

Take the case of second couple.. R is my friend since a long time.. almost 10 years.. She is a very very simple girl who doesnt have any big dreams.. She simply wanted to get married and settle down with her husband, have kids, raise a family.. Fair enough.. After a lot of difficulty when she eventually got married, I was extremely happy for her.. We thought that now all her dreams would come true. What happened later on, is anybody's nightmare.. The guy had married her for money since she is working for a long time in a very good company. He took money from her to get his own sister married.. Everyday he used to fight with her.. He tortured her mentally. He made her travel from Pune to Nasik to Mumbai to Nasik and then back to Pune in just two days of time.. He asked her to pay the rent, take care of the household expenses and even asked her to support him since he wanted to go to US to pursue higher studies - all at her cost.. He did not want to spend even a single penny.. Everyday he would ask her to bring certain amount of money from her parents' house. One day she blasted and asked him to get lost.. Now she is back with her parents and is waiting..

Both the girls have decided that they dont want to stay with their respective hubbies anymore.. I completely support their decision.. A man is not needed in our lives so that we can abused by them.. Both of them have decided to move on.. They are going through a lot of emotional imbalance... It has come as a rude shock.. Such incidents leave me thinking - Why do guys marry if they dont want a wife? Why spoil a girl's life? What do they get out of it? Both my friends have my support.. They know that I am there for them whenever required. We have had long talks on how to go about it. What next needs to be done. Since R and I are in the same office, she comes and discusses with me all the progress on her case. I know she needs a lot of support.. I am doing all my bit to make her as strong as can be. I have told her that she doesnt need such a man in her life.. Infact why does she need a man after all. She is educated, independent, can support herself, has her own life, house, friends.. My heart goes out to M, who is sitting miles away from me.. We talk as frequently as possible.. I have asked her to complete her studies, take up a job and move on.. Nothing has happened in her life that can possibly stop her from enjoying life.. Life has not ended for them.. They still have people who care for them and love them. But still at the end of the day, I ask this question multiple times - What wrong have these girls done to suffer like this??

Friday, September 24, 2010

Reading and Books

My association with books goes long back to childhood.. I remember reading them ever since I could.. It started with comics - Chacha Chowdhury, Billu, Pinky, Lotpot, Chandamama, Suman Saurabh, Champak and then the other Diamond comics series.. As I grew older, it gradually shifted to Enid Blyton's Famous Five series and Archies comics.. I started reading newspaper as well as other magazines that everyone in our house read...

So it ranged from India Today, Business Today, 3 newspapers(Times of India, Indian Express, Economic Times), Woman's Era, Target, Femina, Filmfare, Reader's Digest.. Thats actually a long list... There was no dearth of reading material in our house at any given point of time... Every time we got new school books in the month of April, i used to finish reading all the short stories in both Hindi and English during our summer holidays.. Every night I read some story before going off to sleep. on top of it, we had those hard bound stories which Mum had bought when we were really kids.. Those fairy tales books with lots of colorful pictures, pull out pages and the classic Panchtantra stories...

The reading habit grew when I discovered that my Nanaji had a big almirah which was filled with novels.. More so, he had the entire collection of Reader's Digest, which started from 1950s.. I guess he had taken life time subscription for it.. I started reading novels. I remember I felt so nice taking out a book from his prized possessions and feeling ecstatic about it. The first one that I could remember was Love Story by Eric Segal.. The second one I guess was Rebecca... Then I moved to all fiction writers - Sidney Sheldon, Danielle Steel, Agatha Christie, Jeffrey Archer and a host of other authors.. But it was all fiction. I was never into serious philosophy or spiritual reading. It never interested me..

My love for reading still continues and I still have this habit of reading before I hit the bed.. Now I have another option of reading on internet, but yes, nothing comes close to the feeling of holding a book in your hand.. Ever since I started working, I have been living in a make shift place i.e. a rented house. Obviously space was always a constraint, which led to lesser number of books being bought.. There were times when I wanted to buy a book but held myself back since I knew that there isnt enough space to keep them.. Things have become better over the past few years and a lot of junk has been sorted out..

Just last week, there was a book stall being put up in our company, which gave 10% discount on all the books.. I went beserk while shuffling through the books.. It had been a long time since I bought any books... I had a hard time in deciding which book to buy.. There were so many that I wanted to buy.. But then I restricted myself and bought only four, which were enough to last me for few months, considering that I am a slow reader, i have other books to finish and ofcourse the space constraint.. I am pretty sure that once I have a place of my own, there would be a reserved space to keep my books... Till then, I get back to reading again one of the books that I bought..

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Something that I wished for...

...came true yesterday... A friend and I had some mis-understanding and he was not talking... I tried calling him as well, but he did not answer.. I felt miserable and knew that even he felt bad about the whole thing... I am quite touchy about relationships and specially when it involves people whom I love... I was just thinking of how to resolve the matter...

Yesterday I went for the evening aarti in our society, since Ganpati Festival is going on.. There is something about the aarti.. The whole atmosphere is filled with energy and I feel good from inside.. Everybody is chanting the mantras and singing and you go along with the flow, even if you dont know the exact words.. I dont know the words of the one which is in Marathi but that does not deters me from attending it. So while I prayed yesterday, I wished that my friend and I should be back as friends, with the misunderstandings re-solved..

That was about it.. I came back and went to sleep... After a little while I got a call from that friend.. I was so surprised.. It was as if God had granted my wish. I was so so happy. We chatted, shouted but in the end resolved the mis-understanding... I was thinking again. It seemed that while I prayed, God had asked me to ask what I want and it was granted.. I just could not thank God enough for it.. It brought a smile to my face.. I slept happily for a few hours after that, though not a sound one still...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sleeplessness

is what is troubling me today.. I did not sleep even for a minute yesterday night.. Whole night I just tossed and turned... I dont even know what was troubling me, but yes something was troubling me.. I was terribly tired after a long day.. Came back home after 9:30 and simply wanted to crash.. But sleep had decided to elude me.. No matter how much I tried.. Read a book, listen to music... nothing helped.. On top of it, I felt like everything that I had eaten will come out... I had not eaten anything heavy.. As a matter of fact I had skipped dinner.. The eyes were closed and I knew that they were closed.. To tell clearly, I knew that I was sleeping, whereas when a person sleeps, they dont know that they are sleeping... I did not check the time every now and then in the night..

In between, I opened my eyes to check the time and see how much more time is left, before I can actually sleep. It was close to around 3 am at that time, which meant another 3 hours of sleep(!!??), and then the daily routine starts... When I got up in the morning, my whole body ached.. Its still tired.. My eyes are heavy and its difficult for me to keep them open... I could not even skip the office.. Yes, something is troubling me and I am not at peace.. It seems tears are on the verge of breaking the walls of the eyes.. My heart is heavy and my body is tired.. What am I missing.. Why am I not able to sleep... This was the second sleepless day in a row after a long weekend of enough sleeping and relaxing.. Waiting for the day to end and hoping to catch some sound sleep tonight atleast...

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Tears, Rains and Sunday...

Last Sunday was quite depressing, despite the fact that I had spent a lovely Saturday with a school friend, watching a movie and then roaming aimlessly in the market.. Since Sunday morning, I was not feeling good. I dont know what it was, but it was bad. I felt like a lonely tree at the end of the forest which is completely engulfed in mist and nobody can see it. Though there are many trees around in the forest, still that tree at the end, is lonely and yearns for somebody to be next to it.

I called up Mam as it was Teachers Day.. But I could not speak to her. I ended up crying. I knew that she would be disturbed to see me like this, but I just couldnt hold myself back. Yes, I was missing her as well. I wanted to be with her on that special day, but I was not.

It was a pathetic feeling and stayed with me the whole day. I dont know what all I kept doing the whole day.. Cried, slept, got up, surfed net for sometime. Didnt step out of my room at all. By the time I realised, it was already 7:30 and dark outside. I had no intentions of preparing dinner. Since it was not raining, I thought of taking a walk till the nearby shop and get something to eat. I ventured out, lost in my own thoughts. I was walking after a long time. Normally I use my kinetic to go anywhere.. Its more convenient. But that day I did not want to ride.

I walked till the end of the road to the other side of the colony, without thinking. then I realised that I should go back. The shop where I was supposed to go, was closed. I went to another shop and ordered some food to be packed. While I was waiting at the shop, it started drizzling. I did not have the umbrella with me. Normally in such a situation, I get worried about going back. The distance was not much, but I dont like going in the rains. And ofcourse the distance was quite short enough for any auto driver to agree to go. Somehow that day, I was not worried about how will I go back.. I took the food and started walking in the rain. May be I wanted to walk in the rain.. I felt as if the rain is helping me to wash down the tears. I could walk in the rain, with tears flowing down my cheeks... Nobody could notice in the dark and in that drizzle, if I was crying. I kept on walking, as if I couldnt feel the rain.. I was surprised at myself that day.. I dont like getting wet in the rain.. Even the slight drizzle worries me, if I dont have an umbrella.. But it did not matter that day..

Friday, August 27, 2010

Life here...

is ok as of now... There is no specific reason for being away. Its just that I have been caught in the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, rushing to work, back home, weekend chores, shopping groceries, washing etc.. And ofcourse in between something or the other important keeps popping up to take away the rest of my time.. But overall its still better. I get up early in the morning around 6:15... Much as I love coming back home in the evening when the sun is still out, I hate to drag myself out of my cosy bed early morning when the sun is hardly visible.

I am eating almost 4 meals contrary to just two previously...My health has improved (read: I have gained weight)... I have not experienced any upset stomach for the past couple of months, which I am quite happy about. But the weight gain is bothering me now. I guess its because of the increased number of meals, good weather and improved digestion that I have gained weight. I need to get back to exercise(jogging), which I find extremely difficult to start all over again, given the fact that I am tired at the end of the day and too lazy to get up earlier than 6:15 in the morning.. But I shall find a way out.. May be control my diet...

The weather has been generally nice ever since I came here. Its because I landed up during monsoons and I have not experienced the scorching sun since then. Thats typical Pune.. Once it starts raining, the temperature goes down to 20s and remains at that level atleast for few months, which is such a blessing. Also I am saved from the skin burning heat and humidity which is killing. I dont even use the fan during the nights since its so pleasant. But yeah, I am going to miss the lovely winters of North India.. Sometimes it becomes unbearably cold, but still I love the mist, fog and the idea of curling up in the bed under a warm rajai.. I am from Dehra Dun after all.. A trip can be planned during that time to North India to experience it, so that part is also taken care of.. :-)

Currently I am staying in a rented house in a nice society. The house is quite spacious, airy and brightly lit. It has a lot of cheerfulness. Its nice living here except that I get to use only one bathroom, since the other one is locked, though I was promised that I shall get to use both and I pay the rent for the whole house - but thats a different story which needs to be handled separately. moreover, I am not going to be here for a very long time. The society has a nice view. My neighbours are friendly and warm, specially my next door neighbour who are a young couple. The girl keeps checking on me regularly, in case I need any help and I am doing fine. The best part about the society is the view. I can see some of the mountains and and and... Since I live very close to the airport, I get to see the flying jets.. No not the commercial jets... The air force station is closeby. so I get to see those fighter jets flying regularly.. My love for armed forces, is no secret.. so when I discovered that from every window and specially the balcony, I can see the jets taking off, it just made me happy.. I have seen night flying as well.. The great ball of fire on their tails is a sight to be seen... There is a sudden adrenalin rush when you see those jets take off.. My heart skips a beat...

I am yet to find a music class where I can start my guitar lessons again.. I have started driving my two wheeler again after a long gap of 4.5 years. Now its the car which gets a step-brotherly/motherly/sisterly treatment. Parking is a big nuisance in this city and its easy to whizz around on my kinetic.. The occasional shopping, eating out has also happened and shall continue, which is nice. The weekends are still lonely.. On most of the weekends, one would find me sitting by the window and gazing outside somewhere in the space, lost in my own thoughts. No social life even now. Most of the people, I knew here have moved out. Some have got married and are busy with their own family lives.. But I have no complaints. I go out whenever I want to. Or like always, I am sitting at home, watching some movie. I still dont have the cable connection and dont even feel the need to have one. Why unnecessarily spend on idiot box when there is no one to watch it. Like always, I look forward to Fridays when I know that two full days are ahead of me when I dont have to bother about getting up early. So I sleep a lot on weekends. Thats pretty much about how life is moving on currently in Pune.. More to come soon...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Net (dis)connected...

Finally the net connection has been put up.. After waiting for more than a month, I got it.. Twice I filled up the forms.. First they gave me all the excuses for delaying it, that it will be done in a day or two.. When I finally gave up the patience, out came the truth.. They did not have any free connection... After much argument, they returned my money... so a few days back, the guys called me back and said the connections are available now.. I gave them the money and was told that it will be done in 4 days time.. On the fourth day, the internet man calls me to tell, that there is some problem with me ID proof, due to which they have not come to install it... Perfect!!! Gave him another ID proof and they took another two days to put up the connection..
So after going through all the stories when the connection was put up three days back, can you imagine the end result.. For two days the connection didnt work.. Some server issue. then again some technical problem. So today when I almost lost my cool, the problem turned out that the engineer had not set up the connection properly. I felt like killing myself.. God!!! They apologized and somehow they rectified the problem. Now its up and running.. I hope it continues to do so, now atleast.. Enough of these disconnected net problems..

Friday, July 16, 2010

Pune

From where do I start about this place.. Do I love it or not? I still dont know. I came to this city for the first time in Sep 2000. I came here for an interview and got selected. Though I had my own apprehensions about staying here and joining the job, still I took it up.. I had initial problems of adjusting to the city but I sailed through. I spent 5 years in the city. Still I was alien to this place. The only places that I could identify with were MG Road, Koregaon Park and my place of work. Nothing more, nothing less. I visited a number of eating joints, pubs, discs, lounges and had a great party time, most of the times. I never dared to venture out in the old part of Pune. May be I was scared of all marathi speaking junta here.. I loved the weather of Pune. Just three months of summer and the rest of the year it was pleasant enough, but I missed the winters of Dehra Dun. I missed the cuckoo's song in the early morning. Still the city gave me a lot of confidence. It taught me that I can stay alone. I can plan my vacations. I took my first trip abroad from here.. I made some absolutely wonderful friends-for-life here. Yet I missed North India. I wanted to go back someday.. and it happened.

When I left Pune in 2005 after spending a good 5 years, I was extremely happy. I had decided that I shall never be back to this city. I will be closer to Doon and I shall be happy there. But I guess life had some other plans for me. I am back here after spending more than 4-1/2 years in NCR. My first reaction after coming here was : What a lovely weather. From humid, scorching heat of 45 degrees in NCR to 22 degrees of Pune. Wow.. The weather is at its best. Its windy and cloudy most of the times, these days. But its nice. I am still trying to figure out the places around. Discover some good new eating joints. Getting in touch with some very close old friends, who are my saviours here. I tasted a lot of street food.. Driving on my two wheeler again after ages.. The poor car is resting though I do plan to use it occasionally.

I may be taking up a place of my own here.. I am being pushed, advised a lot about it. I know its high time that I move out of rented house and get done and dusted with the tantrums of brokers/landlords.. I dont know where I shall be tomorrow but yes, a house can be bought. I am almost mentally prepared for it. Hope things go well from here onwards.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Back to the world...

After a long hiatus of a month, I am still trying to get back to the real world.. Last one month has been absolutely crazy with number of activities happening in my life. A trip to Pune, back to NCR, packing, shifting, papers, reaching Mumbai, then to Pune.. Shifting, crazy calls with the movers & packers, arguments with the landlord, broker, joining a new job, getting a new phone connection has left me practically with no energy at all.. The house is still not fully set up.. I still dont have internet connection at home.. I still dont have any project allocated to me yet. My previous landlord has not returned my deposit till now. The present landlord is giving me a problem already... The movers & packers have not settled the claim and they dont seem to be in a mood to do so... Aggarwal movers and packers is what I selected, thinking that they would be the best since its a 'brand'... But I had the most horrifying experience with them.. None of them were ready to deliver my stuff till the last day.. I had made endless phone calls, numerous requests but all in vain.. I would never ever recommend their name to anyone again. On top of it, they were the most rude and absolutely unprofessional people with no basic etiquettes on how to even talk to a lady..

I am still trying to figure out how to get the internet connection set up since most of them seem to have run out of available connections.. I dont have the cable TV connection, which I am ok with. Dont even watch TV as such.. The house is nice and huge but the society has its own weird rules. No bachelors allowed in the society. The parents cannot be away for a long time. I wanted to ask: What if a bachelor buys a house in that society.. There is no logic behind their rule.. The marathi maids have their own tantrums. Nobody wants to come twice in a day to do the dishes. The price that they ask is horrendous. But I still feel that I took the right decision to move on. I can already see some good things on their way. I guess I expected no issues while shifting, while they exist everywhere.. I am still settling in and hope things get better after some time.

Monday, June 14, 2010

As I move on..

Its my turn now to say Good-Bye.. Today is my last day in this office. I have mixed feelings. I remember my first day.. How excited I was to come here and be back to North India, close to my home.. But as the days/weeks/years progressed, I felt I am not doing all that I wanted to do.

I learnt a lot of things but I lost as well. I realized how most of the people here are self-centered. They would not share anything with you. I had strive on my own to make my way. So many times I felt good about getting things done in the right way. So many times I felt bad when things did not work out. And many times I felt bad, when there was not even a single Thank You from anyone.

I realized how diplomacy and playing politics help people grow. But I never wanted to be a part of it and I shall not be. Its just not my cup of tea. I had lunch with almost the same set of people whom I met on the first day, though we were all in different units. In the past few months, I did manage to make a couple of good friends. People whom I can actually call friends for life.. I am surely going to miss them.

I had some of the most challenging clients and they kept me on my toes which I enjoyed. I still remember when one of the manager from US visited us and she asked me about my clients. Her first reaction was : You have some of the most demanding/challenging clients. How do you manage!.. Well.. thats it. If they were with me, I had to.. I made sure I did the best that I could. But I guess I reached a saturation point where I realized that now there needs to be a change. I could not see anything beyond from here.

Not only I am leaving this job, but this city as well. I was never happy staying in NCR. Sometimes I feel as if I am running away from everything/everyone. But now I have a few things in my mind which I am going to focus on, once I am settled in the new place.. All the best to me.. :-)

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Why do girls wear western outfits?

A random conversation with a colleague over lunch table.

Colleague : Why do girls wear jeans?
Me : Why? Whats wrong?
Colleague : Girls should not wear western clothes.
Me : But why?
Colleague : Girls look good only in Indian attires. See the girl sitting on our next table. How elegant is she looking.
Me : What has elegance got to do with Indian or Western attire?
Colleague : Girls dont know what looks good on them. Only Indian clothes look good on them.
Me: All foreigners wear western outfits. That does not mean they dont look good. Its not about Indian/Western outfits, but how you carry yourself in those outfits, make a difference.
Colleague : But those fat girls wear such tight jeans and tight tops. They look horrible.
Me : Why are you so concerned. What if they wear skin tight suits. What difference will it make? Why do you Indian Males act like typical chauvinist pigs. Just like a typical MCP. Grow up and act like a mature man.
Colleague : **Keeps quiet** Changes the topic **

Monday, May 31, 2010

Official (de)Attachment

Its a mass exodus here, sort of.. Everyone seems to be leaving their current job and moving on. While it is difficult for all of us to adjust to it and make shifts with the work, it challenges us in a different way and makes us think.. With all this mayhem around me, even I have decided to leave. Yes, I am moving on. I am leaving this city, this job, this place, people here..

My leaving has brought an unexpected reaction from everyone. The first thing everyone remembered was: 'O God! not her'. But this is how it is. Right from Project Manager to Group Manager to Business Group Manager to people onshore, none of them is happy. While I understand their state of shock and disbelief, I am happy with my decision. I contemplated for a long time before deciding upon it.

Strange enough, when I resigned, there was no news among the other people. In our organizations, such news spreads like a fire. Atleast a rumour starts floating - that person has resigned and there is a speculation around it. When I told people, they were all caught by surprise. The news was not disclosed to my team for quite sometime, because of the reason that we were still working out the transition plan and the person who would take over from me.

Couple of days back we decided to break the news to the team. We all were sure that everyone would know about it and they would take it in their stride. To my surprise, not a single person knew about it. Infact one of my team members started crying. She could not take the fact that I shall no longer be available. I guess its because of the fact that she has worked with me through out her 3.5 years of tenure here. It took me a while to console her and assure her that everything will be fine. I was touched that someone in my team likes me so much that they were in tears. I thought it would be the other way round. Not only she, another person also came and told me that she is not happy with my leaving. She said that she really felt at ease, discussing all her problems with me. She said that she knew who to turn to, whenever there is a need for a person to hear them out. They knew that they could call me anyday anytime without thinking twice, even if it is on a weekend or in the middle of the night.

While I never liked NCR, but yes, working here as enriched me as a person. It has given me a lot of confidence and ability to handle people. It has given me the love of many team members and I am truly blessed to have worked with such wonderful people here. Another couple of weeks here and then I am off to a new city, new place, with new people starting a new life.. I look forward to it. Hope it turns out to be good.. :-)

Friday, May 21, 2010

Attitude

Random conversation between two girls on their way to office.

Girl 1 : I am going to complain about this bus driver. Why cant he keep a pen for us to sign the roster.
Girl 2 : But why would he keep a pen for you. You can carry a pen yourself.
Girl 1 : Why should I carry a pen? The bus driver is supposed to carry a pen for us.
Girl 2 : We all are working as professionals and we should be carrying a pen in our bags, rather than expecting the driver to carry it for us.
Girl 1 : Why are you supporting the driver? He doesn’t wait for you when you are late.
Girl 2 : I am not supporting the driver. I am just stating the practical stuff. We carry 100 other things in our bag, so why not a pen which is more important while going to office.
Girl 1 : Its just a 10 Rs pen. Cant the driver afford it. Infact our company gives the pen to everyone.
Girl 2 : Right. So why cant you carry a pen in your bag.
Girl 1 : Why should I carry a pen. I have other important stuff to remember than just to carry a pen in my bag. I will not and I am going to complain about this driver.
Girl 2 : Just think about it .(So much of attitude this girl has. No point in talking to her. Keeps quiet)

What do you think of this conversation?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Randomly

Life has been on a roller coaster ride for the past many days.. Its been crazy like anything that you can think of. Work has increased many folds and there is too much to do in too little time. Sometimes I feel like a superwoman who is running everywhere to make sure nothing is missed out.

So many events have happened in between about which I want to write, but have not been able to. There was a short trip to Doon and in between I managed to sneak a short drive till Barlowganj, Mussoorie as well.. Mass resignations happening in my office. Client pressure to get the work done, even though the resources are limited. Getting additional resources has its story and its next to impossible. In between all this, I feel like going away on an unplanned leave. I seriously need a vacation where I dont have to worry about any of my personal work or office work... My plans to visit Leh/Kashmir are on since a long time, but I have not been able to find a company.. :-( and this is putting me off like anything! If this was not enough, my health problems continue to woe me. My stomach is just not behaving right. I feel weak all the time. Rather I have lost weight due to this. I want to eat but I am scared to eat.

What I need right now, is a change in my life. I have to work towards it. I need a new house, new job, new place, new people and a good vacation. I hope I am able to come back soon without too much of delay..

Friday, April 16, 2010

Panic Struck

Coming back after 4 long weeks with such a post!!! Whenever I have to lock the house, its my habit to lock the wooden door and then the grill, which has a net. The wooden door has an inbuilt lock, while we use an external lock on the grill. A week back I locked the house as usual and went to office late in the morning. It was a little windy that day. The day was super busy with back to back meetings and no time to even check the mails, leave alone to attend the phone calls. While having lunch that day, I spoke to Mom about something. So far so good.. While we were having our meeting cum training session, Mom called me again but obviously I couldnt take her call. We have this understanding that if I dont receive a call, it means I am in a meeting. Still if it is something urgent, Mom sends a message. After sometime, we were in the middle of some crucial discussion that I got a call from my neighbour. It startled me. Because its not normal that my neighbour would call me. First I thought not to take the call. But somehow my sixth sense provoked me to take it. I excused myself from the meeting to speak to her. Guess what she had to tell me.

My house was open!! I started shaking that very moment. Hearing so many robbery cases day in and out left me scared. I couldnt utter a word. She said the though the grill is locked, but the wooden door is open and one can see inside the house. I kept on telling her that I locked the house before coming. It cannot be possible that I dont lock both the doors. Even if I go just to buy milk/vegetables/grocery in our society itself, I always lock both the doors. She assured that though nothing seems fishy and she is there to help me. I just couldnt bring myself to normal state. I told her that I am coming. I was almost in tears. All bad thoughts came to my mind in a flash. I excused myself from the training and came home rushing with one of my team member.

All through the way, I kept telling myself 'how can it happen. I locked the door in the morning. How come it is open. It has never been left open like this. How can I be so stupid. What if there was someone inside. Should I go to police station first. What should I go?' The moment I reached home, I called my neighbour and we went inside the house. There was no one. Everything was intact, right in its place. I checked how did the door open. Apparently, when I pulled the wooden door from outside, it didnt lock properly and I had simply keyed in. Since it was a windy day, the wooden door opened while the grill was still locked. I heaved a sigh of relief and thanked God a million times. For a moment, I had lost my balance and was about to break down. Clearly it is not a good sign. I need to be brave enough. But that was a lesson learnt. Now I double check both the doors before leaving. Dont want such a situation arising again ever..

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Permanent Commissioning of Women in Armed Forces

Just when we were still celebrating the passing of women's reservation bill in parliament, came another one.. Women officers can be permanently commissioned in armed forces.. My love for armed forces is no secret.. And now when this news has come up, it has brought a lot of joy to my heart.. Women are still not part of combat forces atleast in India but this is a small step in that direction.. Yes there are reasons given behind it - women are emotionally, physically weaker, they can be sexually assaulted, taken advantage of.. But some of these problems exist with men as well... Still I am not complaining about it right now.. I am happy because government has atleast thought of the contribution made by women officers. They are no less then men and at times perform better than them.. We all know that there is a shortage of officers. I always used to wonder why cant women be allowed permanent commissioning... It will encourage more women to join armed officers plus it will boost the morale of existing women officers..

When I heard this news, I wanted to scream with joy and dance all around. I know I am not a part of the forces, but yes I want to be. I did not write about the women's reservation bill but I am writing about armed forces.. Not that I do not support the bill but armed forces are extremely close to my heart. Many of my friends are amazed, surprised at my knowledge on armed forces.. They wonder from where do I get so much information. Its simple - internet, TV, newspaper, magazines, people - the sources are many, if we are actually interested.. Even now I have this dream of being a part of armed forces.. I know I cant be an officer now.. But with the permanent commissioning of women officers, the day would not be far away when we will see a woman as Chief of these forces.. I think that will be feather in the hat and I shall wait for that day eagerly.. :-) Three cheers to woman power and to our armed forces...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Birthday Pet

Today is your 13th birthday. How I wish you were with me today. I would have showered all my love on you. We could have spent the day together. Your treat would have been to play in the garden all day along, eat bread and milk and a nice bath in the sun. You would have been allowed to have a biscuit or two as well.. Nobody would have said anything to you. I would have thrown a party for you like always. You would have looked the best just like always.. The darling of all, the most adorable one, the most lovable one, the most beautiful one..

I still remember your drooling eyes which had only love for me. I still remember how you wanted to play with me, first thing in the morning. If I ever missed that, you would be angry with me whole day. How you loved to sit in the winter sun with me under my chair. How you loved to eat oranges with me. Infact you loved to eat all the fruits. How you sat outside the kitchen staring at Mom when you were hungry. How you used to get angry with Mom, when she scolded anyone of us.. I remember you always wanted warm roti. You never liked cold chapatis. Milk was always your favourite. I remember when I didnt want to have milk, I used to give it you and you loved it. You gave me unconditional love, no matter what. Whenever I came from outside, how you used to love me.. You loved running with me around the house, in the garden.. Whenever I watered the plants, how you used to hide in those plants or play with mud..

Even after playing you knew how to clean yourself.. Infact you were always clean.. You were scared to go in the car.. You preferred to walk rather than go on a drive.. You never liked closed spaces.. In summers you would sit next to Nanaji's chair under the fan.. That was your favourite place.. You always slept upside down.. That was your favourite posture.. You loved it when I brushed your coat... Whosoever came to the house, you greeted everyone with love.. May be thats the reason why you were everyone's darling.. Nobody could hold himself back from falling in love with you.. You were my little angel who was always there to listen to me when I wanted someone to just listen to me.. I miss you.. Happy Birthday Snoopy.. Love you a lot..

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Blog World

Sometimes I wonder why do I write here. What does this blog gives me that I devote so much of my time to it. The answer is whenever I am in need to find someone who can listen to me, without being judgmental I find my blog. Writing here gives me peace. Its a place where I can give a vent to my feelings and I shall be heard patiently.

When I started writing here, I had no clue why. Its just that I wanted to write. I used to write diary at one point of time but gave away with it. Initially, I hardly read any blogs.. Even if I did, I did not comment on anyone's post, lest they dont like it. Even if I did, I did not leave my blog's link behind. I had no reason for it, but its just that I did not leave the link to my blog. Slowly when reading/writing became more frequent, I left the link to my blog. May be I did not want others to know about my blog. But then I realized that I write for myself and not anyone else. How does it make a difference as to what people think of my blog/my writing. I write about my life, my feelings, my emotions, my travels, my experiences. It has got nothing to do with anyone.

What I realized later was, people in the internet world are quite receptive. Yes, I did receive some odd/unethical/rude comments which forced me to put the comment moderation 'on'. At the same time, I found a lot of people who could relate to or atleast understand what I am saying. I did not expect anything from them still I felt the support from them. Some people have written such beautiful, comforting words without even knowing me that I am filled with gratitude. Its a kind of unseen friendship and I like it. I am sure I am not going to meet these people ever in my life. Still their comforting words are good to read. Sometimes they act like a balm on my bruises and it gives me relief.

Tomorrow it may happen that no one will understand me on this forum as well, still it will be fine with me. I shall still write for myself.. Still write what I feel. I dont care what others think of me when I write about my feelings, emotions, experiences. After all this is my space and I have the right to use it the way I want to.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Loneliness

Loneliness is creeping all over me. Its growing like weeds grow in a land left unattended. It laughs at me. I have no clue how to get it out of my life. It has a scary face and it succeeds in scaring me. Everytime I try to find a friend, it stands in front of me to tell me that it will not leave me ever. It has decided to stick to me. It is growing like a virus and refuses to go. I find no cure for it. It is growing in such a way that I am losing interest in everything. I try to develop my interest in life or whatever I do, but eventually it fades away. I losing my balance of mind. I have not played guitar for past many weeks. I have not even gone to the class as well. I have stopped reading. Even my work life is affected. I dont feel like working. The list of to-do things at work place is increasing day by day. I dont feel like eating. I have not even planned my holiday trip for this year and this comes as a surprise to myself. Infact I dont even feel like going on a holiday. I have stopped taking pictures. At one point, I had almost decided on buying a D-SLR but eventually I dropped the idea. I have build a wall around myself. I dont even feel like talking to anyone. I know if I try, all I get is excuses from others. Today I did not wish anyone except Mam.. I only get tears in my eyes when I see people around me.. The feeling is of being lonely in a crowd and its getting worse day by day..

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lonely Holi

Holi day is about to dawn in less than twelve hours from now.. But I have no joy in my heart.. This is another lonely Holi for me.. Not that I am too enthusiastic about this festival but being absolutely alone on a festival sometimes takes on your mental peace... It seems the colors make a mockery of me.. I see no colors anywhere.. I have not even bought any color.. The customary gulal, Mom used to ask me to buy has also not been bought. I only bought a couple of gujiyas, but cant have them since again my stomach is upset.. Sometimes I wonder why do these festivals come.. It makes me feel even more lonely and depressed.. When I see people around me happy and enjoying with their friends, family I get only tears in my eyes.. Nobody visits me. I know no one.. I dont go anywhere.. I tried going to our society park once, in the hope that I will meet people there and have some fun.. I came back as clean as I went.. Not a single shade of color on me.. I have nothing to do tomorrow. Its just a holiday for me. The guitar class is also not there, otherwise I would have spent some time there.. Now the only thing on my mind is, I shall practice guitar at home.. If my stomach is better, then I shall have a bite of gujiya otherwise it shall be distributed..

On a side note, the pain has subsided.. It occurs sometimes but the frequency is less and the degree as well. I have not seen the doctor yet.. I guess there is nothing to worry about..

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The heart aches....

Yes, you got that right.. The heart is aching.. Ironically, today on valentine's day I am not talking about the emotional pain(which is always there and is here to stay forever, I guess) but the physical pain... There is a pain in the heart that I feel.. I have had this pain previously as well but not at this level.. For the past few days, I get this pain very frequently.. The pain lasts for a few seconds.. During that time, I am not able to breathe properly.. I open my mouth and try to gasp as much air as possible.. I get restless.. I get sweat on my forehead.. I stroke myself at that time.. My eyes go blank.. Once the pain goes, it takes me a few minutes to get back to normal.. I have to take deep breaths.. I have noticed that this is happening almost every day now.. And not just once a day but more than that... Yesterday was worst.. It happened almost 4-5 times... Infact at one time, I was driving and I was alone.. Thank God at that time, it was not too much otherwise I dont know what would have happened. Its possible that there is nothing but the pain in those few seconds is unbearable.. I am contemplating whether I should go and see a doctor.. May be I am over-reacting and its because of some acidity.. May be there is a blockage.. May be there is absolutely nothing at all.. I dont know how I should react to it. Is it some indication or is it nothing.. I am prepared for everything and anything that is to come along.. Bring it on..

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The effects teachers have!!!

Few days back, I was feeling very low.. Yes, there were reasons behind it but I had no control over them, nor my heart which was crying.. The tears refused to stop, no matter how much I tried. I guess, the glands are still active negating my thinking that they have dried up. I was sitting alone and didnt know what to do.. At that time, I only needed a person whom I could talk to. Instantly I dialed Mam's number. Few minutes of chatting with her and I felt so light and at peace. I did not tell her about any problem, but talking to her gave me peace. The heart breaking feelings are still there, but that day she made me feel so much better.

She never taught me in the school. Infact I joined this school much later. She is a junior school teacher. Never even saw her in the school, though I knew about her. I never interacted with her. She never knew me all the while I was a student, but destiny brought us together. A lost-in-touch friend of mine, who was her student, introduced me to her. I developed an instant liking to her. I knew her as a brave woman. I had always admired her even before meeting her. May be because I was aware about her hardships in life, which were very similar to Mom's...

But whatever be the case, I started sharing with her everything. First time when we met, it didnt seem like the first time. It was, as if we knew each other since long. I still remember the lovely lunch that she cooked for me. She gives me all her love and affection unconditionally. She listens to me. She guides me. She lets me be just me. She advises me. She understands me. She gives me the freedom to think. She supports me. Whenever I go to Doon, meeting her is always on my agenda. I feel guilty/sad if I am not able to meet her, while I am there. Sometimes I wonder what I did to get so much love from her. At a time, when I was getting all the pressure to get married unconvincingly, she was even ready to talk to my family.

Now also, I know if I am restless or bothered, whom do I have to turn to. I feel secured in her company. She has some amazing way to sense my restlessness. She will not say anything specifically but still she will put me to rest.. She is my savior. I truly feel blessed to have her in my life. I love you, Mam..

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Missing you..

As I walk in the dark, my eyes look for you. My heart is pounding fast against my chest. My breath is heavy. My pulse is high. I am scared. I am alone. I am sad. I look back only to see that there is no one. Yet I hope that there was someone. I want to hold your hand. I want you to comfort me. I need your shoulder to lean on. I need your arms to wrap around me. The hug, the smile. The assurance, the trust.

The tears well up everytime I see myself alone. The heart becomes restless. It is constantly looking for you in the crowd. Waiting for you, so that once you will come up to me and tell me how much you love me.. You will put me at ease. You will tell me that you are there for me. I want to see you when I wake up in the morning. I want to watch the stars in the night with you. I want to take a walk with you on a moonlit night on the beach. I want to feel the wind on my face and in my hair with you. I want to dance in the rain with you. I feel like to cuddle up with you under a warm duvet on a cold, winter evening.

I will know that you are there to support me whenever I will fall. I will be there to turn around the world for you, when things go wrong. I want you to come back to me whenever you need someone. We will share our dreams, we will build our memories, we will fight together against all odds and emerge as winners. We will come back home to each other, only to find solace in each other's company. We will have those small arguments, yet the love will remain. An occassional distance from each other, will make our hearts go fonder. We will chat till wee hours of the morning. We will not close our eyes, since that means we will not see each other. Whenever we will close our eyes, we will only see our faces. We will be proud of our achievements and yet hold each other whenever the other is about to fall. We will be the strongest support, whenever we will need one. But where are you....

[I am on an emotional high and these thoughts are running through my mind. :-(]

Friday, January 29, 2010

Milky Way

I love milk. Do I sound like a kitten or a small pet who loves drinking milk.. I am like that.. Milk is a staple part of my diet. Every morning, without fail, I have to drink a big mug full of milk. I can do away without having breakfast or eating anything throughout the day, but milk is a must. But at the same time, I can drink milk only in the morning. I cant have milk in the night even it is to save my life.

There is a list of specifications that come with it though.. First one is the taste of the milk. I dont drink any milk that is available. It should not smell at all. There is a specific taste of milk that I like, otherwise I cant drink it. I dont drink milk of any brand available. There are just a few brands that I can consume. Then there is a differentiation between cow milk and buffalo milk. Next is the specification with regard to the texture: full cream, toned or double toned.. Wait, there is more to add. I dont put anything in the milk, not even sugar.. Its plain simple milk... Occasionally I may drink cold coffee but then its cold coffee only. I am not a hot coffee person.. Now the last thing about my requirement. I dont like hot milk. It has to be cold milk. Even in winters, I dont drink hot milk. The maximum that I do is, make it luke warm. Now how can I forget such an important thing about milk.. There should be no foreign article in the milk, which means there cannot be any cream.. I pass the milk through the sieve atleast twice, to make sure there are not even traces of cream present in it. One look at cream and I cant have that milk.

That looks to be a big list of the kind of milk that I drink. Having said that, whenever I am on a trip to a new place, I miss milk. Many a times I dont get milk in the morning and it becomes difficult for me eat anything else then. During my recent trip to Rajasthan, we didnt get any milk while we were in Jaisalmer. The first thing that I had, when I reached the station was grab a bottle of Amul Cool Milk. Only I know how satisfied I was after having that. There were other brands available but I didnt want to take any chances with the taste. Once we were in Jodhpur, I had a big glass of milk everyday in the breakfast. I loved it..

So now you can see how much I love milk. Even my relatives know that I drink milk everyday in the morning, even though I may skip breakfast. Do I sound crazy? Its ok.. A person who loves milk is not very easy to find, I guess. I am yet to meet one.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Truth

Read this in the newspaper and found it to be very true...

Q : What is man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Warmth


A bit of warmth in the icy, cold winter season....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Royal Rajasthan

So I went on the last vacation of 2009 in the last week of the year.. From Christmas till new year.. and what better place could be to celebrate the holidays than our royal Rajasthan.. The places were Jaisalmer and Jodhpur. I went to Jodhpur a year back as well when 2009 was about to dawn, and knowing how wonderful the city is, I had no inhibitions in going there again.

The trip started with a roller coaster ride since I was late in planning for it. Still we managed to get the hotels booked, but the problem was the train tickets. No flight tickets were available and even the train tickets were done at the last moment and that also in sleeper class. Phew!! Its been ages since I traveled in sleeper.. Considering the winters, I knew its going to be tough for both Mom and me. The train stopped at such small stations in Rajasthan, I had never heard about before. The advantage of travelling in the sleeper class was that I got the chance to click some photographs..


After a long 18 hour train journey, we finally reached Jaisalmer and boy!! I had my heart in my mouth when I stepped out of the station. It was a beautiful, small station with intricate carvings done in the white sandstone and no coolies around to help you with your luggage.. Reached the hotel - Pithla Haveli. The first day/night was at the Sand dunes. I had heard a lot about the dunes, had seen umpteen pictures and had a dream of visiting them once. And it was a dream come true. The sand dunes were amazingly beautiful. The camel ride, sitting on the dunes, watching the sunset was a beautiful experience. The evening was spent with a bonfire and watching Rajasthani cultural dance and music program. The night was spent in the tents under warm duvets in the silence of the dunes. Its a different experience and I loved it. Next two days we spent exploring the small city of Jaisalmer - The fort, havelis, gadisar lake, Jain temple, silver jewellery, handicrafts, sandstone crafts, rajasthani food which consisted of Kadhi, gatte ki sabzi, kair sangri, bajre ki roti, dali, baati, choorma, kachori.. Everywhere all I could see was beautifully carved white sandstone which gives the look of wood - so intricate, symmetrical and so beautiful.

After spending three days in Jaisalmer, we were off to the blue city of Rajasthan -Jodhpur. I had fell in love with this city last year and was in the same enthusiasm this time as well. The stay was at Shriram Excellency hotel. True to its name, quite a decent hotel... In Jodhpur, I went beserk with shopping.. It seemed Mom's whole and sole purpose of visiting the city was to shop, shop and shop more.. and Yes, the city is a paradise for those who want to shop.. so there were sarees, suits, jootis, bags, bangles bought for self and as gifts for various people... Saw the beautiful Mehrangarh fort and the blue city from its ramparts.. The sunset again was beautiful in the city. New year eve was celebrated at the Air Force Station. The officers, ladies and the kids, lovely decor in the lawns. It was chilly but still it was nice. Danced till the new year dawned. The best part about attending parties in such places is that even if someone is drunk, they know how to behave themselves. No cheap crowd where you save yourself from a touch here or a brush there.. The food again was Rajasthani. Chakke ki sabzi, naan, veg jodhpuri, kadhi pakodi, halwa, mawa kachori, dal... The whole week I had Rajasthani food and I was not tired of it. Absolutely finger licking, lip smacking and mouth watering food..

All in all it was a great trip. I had the time of my life eating, shopping, roaming, relaxing and soaking the beauty of the dessert and the sand. It is a must visit place if you havent till now.. Rajasthan's royal beauty - where you feel like a queen just like those who lived there once...

Friday, January 08, 2010

Thought

Give my some sunshine
Give me some rain
Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again!!!
- 3 idiots

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The year that was and is...

Almost a decade of this century is over now.. And it seems to have flew by, considering that I am still thinking about the year 2000 which was quite eventful for me.. Now when I sit back and think about all these years gone, I dont know whether I have lost more or gained more... I know for sure that I have lost much more than I ever thought in terms of relationship(s), but yes I gained a lot of confidence, grew professionally, traveled a lot and have become independent.

I have seen almost each and every aspect of relation that exists. I met a lot of people during this phase and learnt something or the other from each one of them.. Some turned into good friends - friends for life, some just passed by as acquaintances while I have lost touch with most of them.. with some, nothing happened.. Well, all that is part of the game...

Now when I look back at 2000, I wonder what my life would have been if I had not accepted that job offer in Pune.. Would I have still been in Doon or somewhere else.. What would I have been doing?? I know that I always wanted to work.. Looking at the past few years, now I want a break and that also a long one. I want to be at a place where I am at peace. Every year when it dawns, I hope that I dont lose any more relationships.. I have had enough in terms of losing out on them.. Every year I hope that my heart comes to rest and my mind is at peace..

Yes, the loneliness is creeping all over me and sometimes it laughs at me in the silence of darkness.. but I have somehow manage to struggle with it and try to smile.. Sometimes I feel that I am not myself and with each passing year, the distance between me and I is increasing. Like every year, this year also I hope that the sadness inside me dies and start getting happy all over again. I hope I dont lose any more relations... I seriously dont want to... All the best to me.. Amen!!!

Monday, January 04, 2010

Dhan Ta Nan!!!

Its time to rub our hands in glee
We have something for you, dear MTBs
Little baby’s on the way,
Getting bigger every day,
Two tiny feet that will wave in the air
Two tiny hands that will tug at your hair
But before that there is some work for you.
The best we can do, is give you a clue!



Voicing this clue is pretty asaan -
Go looking for a blogger who’s a fitness fan,
Mother of four and a stylish woman.
Also, let me add, she belongs to the money-saver clan.
Good work there, you are one step closer
Take a bow and move on to the next composer.