Thursday, October 30, 2008

Wrong to be a female

Past few days have been extremely taxing on me. With a death in the family and the never ending pressure to get married has torn me apart. Sometimes I wonder, whats so big about marriage. Why cant people let someone live peacefully even if he/she is not married. Not that I am against marriage but its not a big issue for me.. I dont want to get into just because everyone else has got married.

Meeting the prospective groom, dressing up, how and what you should talk, behave, walk.. Give me a break.. On top of it, there are instruction as to what should be asked and what not. The boy does not want the girl to work after marriage, no matter if she has been all through her life. Fine. Accepted. The boy wants the girl to look after his family completely. Family has to be a top priority anytime. Fine. Accepted. The boy will provide for everything that the girl needs. Fine. Accepted. Now if the girl asks what exactly the boy does and how much does he earns, a big bomb explodes.

What is wrong if the girl wants to know about the guy's income? After all, she is going to spend her life with him and she will be dependent on him. The reason given is that being a girl, she should not ask such question. Why not!!! If at all she wants to know, there are other means to find out about the income. The girl can ask the close relatives. Why ask the boy? But why not the boy? What is the big issue about it? In the first place it is said that the girl should be satisfied, contented before taking any decision. She should think coolly and be comfortable. Now when she tries to clarify her doubts and wants to make things clear, its taken in a wrong way. Then comes the accusation: Being a professional girl, she can never understand the complexities. She is not fit for a business family. She should find someone who is professional.

All these conversations actually make a person think: is it wrong being a girl. Why every adjustment, compromise, sacrifices is expected out of the girl? Will the girl not have insecurity since she has to leave her house, her job, her family and settle all over again with a stranger and his family in his house. How is she expected to trust anyone just like that? Just because she is a girl, doesnt mean that she needs to bow down to every whim and fancy of everyone around. She has a head over her shoulders and has a brain inside it that works and makes her think. How can people accuse the girl and be so negative about her whole being a girl?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Death - The inevitable truth

Life is uncertain. And every time I see a death in the family, the belief becomes stronger. We all know that we will leave this place forever but somewhere we dont realize this.

On Sunday, I lost my eldest Mausaji (Mother's Sister's husband). Someone who had been a father figure to me. Someone who stood by us, whenever there was a need.. Someone who supported by mother in all the troubled times. Someone who always supported me and understood me. He shared all his thoughts, experiences, feelings, happiness, griefs only with me. He had the ability to draw attention wherever he went. People looked upto him for his humility, politeness, humbleness and his selfless nature to help everyone around. Never did he refuse any request of mine, no matter how silly it was. Now that he is no more, I miss his long talks over the phone, his jokes, the games I played with him.. when he lost in the cards/ludo game and how I won money.. nobody could get money from him when he lost, except for me. I am still not able to fathom the fact that he is not there. I will not find him there whenever I go to his house. Yesterday when I was watching him lying lifeless, I could not believe. It was as if he is sleeping. I can shake him to wake up. Then the never ending talks over tea, pakoras would start... He lived a royal life with the love and respect of everyone around and went away peacefully and royally. He looked like a king with all the roses, rajnigandha flowers adorning his body. I am glad we met last weekend and had a great time.

My tears dont stop falling. I wish I could talk to you one more time. That ludo game is still waiting to be finished. The house will not be the same anymore, when I come there next. I will have to stop myself before peeping into your room. There will be no one to feed me so lovingly. There will be no one who will give in to my wishes. There will be no one to who would love me so selflessly and fight for me. The house bears an empty look. You were the life of the house and its gone. You are and shall always be in my memory. I miss you, Mausaji. May your soul rest in peace.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Time for final verdict

Next time, after the dilemma, making compromises and thinking about the marriage, the time has come to take the final decision.. Trust me, I am scared to death to take this step. Its a life time decision for me and my whole life will be dependent on this. I have no idea what the future has to bring in for me. Like anyone else, even I also dont know what will happen.

I am not at all confident at this moment. Even after talking for the second time, I am still in the indecisive mode. And I find it very natural. I have my own set of apprehensions and fear. My independence will be gone. I will be sharing my life with an unknown person. Will I be compatible with him, considering that I am no cool person? Will I have a say in the decisions that are taken later on? What will be my stand in the family? How well am I able to accept them and how well do they accept me. For me adjustment takes a bigger stand than compromise.

They say that a lot goes from the girl's side to make or break a relationship. For me, it takes both the partners to carry the relationship further. Walking an extra mile is not an issue with me, provided I know that my partner will support me. He needs to stand by me like a rock, come what may. I need my partner to reciprocate my love, make me understand what is right and wrong whenever I falter. He should be someone; I can straightaway look upto in times of difficult situation. I want someone who knows that being a human; I am bound to make mistakes just like any other person.

I have been asked to think, think and re-think. Ofcourse it has to be a very conscientious decision on my part. I need to be 100% sure of what I am getting into. I should be prepared to forego with some important things of my life. Life will take a straightaway 180 degrees turn.. It will be completely different from what it is today, and when I say completely, I mean completely. Whatever I am doing right now, will not be there.

I am passing through a difficult time and the only support, as of now, comes from some of my really close friends. They try to make me feel at ease and I am really thankful to them.. I still think, what the chances of meeting again are. Is that a possibility? Even if I talk again, what is the probability that I will be able to decide.. I am into a vicious circle...

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Dilemma

After all the arranged marriage issue, making compromise - here comes the big one. Dilemma of saying a 'Yes' or a 'No'.. How do the elders expect us to decide in just a meeting and a talk of 15 minutes that we will be able to take the decision. Also when there are other conditions involved like: No work after marriage. Other conditions: Do not ask the boy about his income, no need to ask the boy about his exact nature of work even if you dont understand what he told you hi-level.

This is getting on my nerves as bad as it can get. The unending questions like: What is the need to meet the boy again? What is it that you want to talk about with the boy? Why do you want to know about his work? The reason given by elders is: We know the family, we have met them, we know about their status, they are well off.. Phew!! Poor girl.. Where does she go...

I fail to understand if the girl is not allowed even this tiny bit of independence, then why do we educate them and make them capable of thinking logically. Why do we allow them to develop themselves into a mature thinking adult who knows what is right or wrong. I dont doubt the intentions of the elders and other involved but its the girl who has to spend life with that boy. Isnt it fair enough for her to be satisfied before she decides on such a big decision of her life..

A person who has already crossed the mark of thirty is capable of making decisions that will impact the rest of his life. The person is grown up enough to be a parent yet the parental pressure. If that is not enough, comes the emotional pressure- The mediator is your well-wisher, they know what is good for you, they will find the best match for you, You shall be the happiest there, you are not in the age of making choices, the biological clock is ticking away... Comes the final question: Say a 'Yes' or a 'No'(You better say 'Yes' because you dont have a choice).. Marriage is such a big dilemma. I still dont understand how do people decide in a conversation of just 15 minutes.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Compromise

Sometimes you reach a situation in life where you have to make a compromise, even if that is half-heartedly or rather with no heart. I guess thats why it is called compromise - the middle path where you think more about the others' happiness. Though my last post clearly stated, how uncomfortable I was about getting married to someone through arranged marriage, still I gave in to the plans which Mom had made, since it was to please her...

No, nothing is finalized and I am pretty doubtful as well, like always.. But still I supported her plans or whatever she had thought. In the end I thought that atleast Mom is happy. Also I was being selfish somewhere thinking that tomorrow I can tell that I always supported in all the plans that Mom made about my marriage. I am still not convinced about the whole arranged marriage thing but am doing it out of no choice. My Mother has other responsibilities and I always that there is big hindrance because of me..

Mothers being mothers will do their best to make us happy. Like any parent, even my Mom wants me to settle down, have a family, husband, kids.. I even gave in to her plans to avoid any emotional scene or confrontations. I thought if this is something that makes her happy, then let it be. Atleast I have the final word of saying a 'Yes' or a 'No' in the end. Its a different thing that everyone expects a positive note in the end, which never happens. May be its destiny or may be God has thought something else for me.

One thing is for sure. With each of these incidents, my interest in the whole marriage affair is dying down. I may sound like a pessimistic person but this is what I feel. I am not against marriage but I need to connect with the person before I get married to him. I need to feel for him. I want to know him. I want him to feel for me. I want to know the person. For me its very important to have the emotional bonding before I get married. But the way situation has been and currently is, I am not sure of anything. I am in the state of compromise much to my disappointment and I am trying to figure a way out of this.