Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Marriages

Back to one of my most thought about topic : Marriage. The thought also generates from the fact that I have almost crossed the right age for marriage (according to most of the people around me) and I am provoked by every second relative/friend to settle down at the drop of a hat before it is too late(as if it is not already as per them!!)..

Every few months I hear some prospective proposal coming my way to be assessed. I am not sure why, but this whole idea of arranged marriages is difficult for me to digest. How am I supposed to decide in just one hour that Yes, this is the one for me. Also its really important for me to love a person before I can decide about the next step. All the show-off associated with the arranged marriage puts me off.

So when yesterday my Mom spoke about some boy, my mind was blocked. I am not able to open myself to an arranged marriage sort of thing. I cant go through the act of girl meeting a boy from the marriage perspective. And not just that, but when the whole family gets involved and they pressurize you as to how you should look, walk, talk, behave. At that time, I simply want to push everyone away from me. I want to yell at the top of my voice: This is my life. Please let me decide who I want to spend it with.

The whole arranged marriage affair brings about a heated argument between my Mom and me. She has her point that I am getting old. You need to find someone for yourself. There is a right age for everything. You need to start the family as well later. At that point, I simply want to run away from there. I am not against marriage but arranged marriage, is I guess, not my cup of tea. Meeting a person from the marriage point of view, which has been arranged by the parents does not go well with me..

How can they expect me to like someone in one meeting and decide about the future life. Am I not taking a bigger risk by allowing myself to be ruled by someone, whom I dont even know? And the argument takes even a more ugly picture when the relatives start poking in as well- This cousin is married, that one is getting married, another one had a baby and another is expecting... You are the eldest of them all. God!! Give me a life.

Life does not end if someone is not married. It seems as if its a big crime, since I am not married till now. For me, marriage is about two souls coming together in the course of time, who decide that they want to be with each other in the times to come. They need to feel the commitment from inside and not just because they are married. The love and respect has to be there for each other. I would rather be single and happy rather than being married where we dont love each other and be unhappy.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Password protected

I guess this Saturday was horrifying for me in one way or the other. First it was the bomb blast and then my mail ids. In the evening when I tried to login to my yahoo account, I could not. It happened with just two of the ids whereas the other ones were perfectly working fine.. I was scared.. Has someone managed to hack to my account.. I got worried in just a few seconds. Frantically started searching here and there, the means to get my password back.. I tried the yahoo help but it did not work. In the meanwhile, I changed all the other passwords of my other accounts and made them as difficult as possible. I even wrote a mail to yahoo asking them for help since it was the main account which I was not able to login. No reply from them. :-( I started preparing myself that I may have to create another account and make it as secure as possible. I will have to get myself register at the different sites again, not to forget about the banks and hundreds of other places where I had given this account id. I will have to inform my friends again.. Before that I wanted to try for the last time, if I am able to use the old account… and Aloha!!! I could login.. Wow.. that was some magic.. Trust me.. I had tried umpteen times before that unsuccessfully.. Its the same old password that I used and it worked now.. The first thing that I did was to change the password of the yahoo account. But now am in another fix.. The passwords are difficult and confusing for me as well to remember.. :-) Have I fallen into my own trap? Much relief that I was able to get my old account back.. Never did I feel so helpless before because of internet technology. It has over-powered me as well, much to my disappointment.

Delhi Again

So another bomb blast hit the city of Delhi yesterday. This time it was in Mehrauli area. This was exactly two weeks after 5 bomb blasts rocked the city on 13 Sep, 08. It was a narrow escape since we were supposed to be in that area but the change of mind at the last moment prevented me to be there.

Such is the impact of these blasts that we cancelled our evening program of going to a nearby fair in Gurgaon. Had I been alone, I would have still gone but the plan was with Mom, I cancelled it. Every other day/week, we hear about these blasts.. Read about them, watch them on TV, hear them over radio and then forget about it sub-consciously.

The blasts have become a part of our everyday life. So much so that it makes me sad sometimes. And it has affected me in a different way.. Everytime they go off, I wish and pray that there was nobody that I knew and was related to. Last blast was a close shave for one of my team member who was just a few meters away from the blast site. Have we become so used to them or have we become indifferent or selfish that we accept them, as and when they come.

The pictures and news shake us and move us for sometime and then we move ahead. We take life as it comes. We still go to the markets. May be that fear of being in the blast is there at the back of our minds but still we go. The spirit is still alive within us to be able to live and enjoy. May be someday we shall be to able to go out without any fear. May be.. I pray.. I wish..

Monday, September 22, 2008

Interview Again.

The other day, I witnessed a few interviews. Unlike last time where I simply saw people giving interviews, I sat there as an interviewer with another colleague of mine. The very first thing that I noticed was, how the whole attitude of the person changes when he interviews. He thinks himself superior to the other person - a particular trait I noticed in my colleagues.. While I was almost quiet through out the interviews, I watched the expressions, body language, tone of both the parties involved.

My colleague who generally sits straight with both the feet firmly placed on the ground, sat with one leg crossed over the other, trying to appear bossy and a strict person. The questions were fired. Some were meaningful while I thought about a few questions. I would not like to mention those questions here.. I am quite sure the interviewer him self did not know the answer to some of those questions and he expected the interviewee to answer.

The interviewee was quite good in his communication skills as well as he was very confident. I also thought that this person's career is in our hands as of now.. Is the person right for the job? Will he be able to adjust and deliver what will be expected of him. The story does not end here. Once he gets a clear chit from us, he goes for the second round with the Group Managers on our recommendation.

So the question is on us as well, whether we have chosen the right candidate or not.. Sitting on the other side of the fence made me realize that if its difficult to give an interview, its equally difficult or more challenging to take one.. There are cases where the person is actually on the border line and its difficult to decide whether he is apt for the job. Then comes more probing and more questions are asked. The questions range from technical to analytical to general knowledge, to get a feeling of the over-all attitude of the person. Even real life situations are given to know more about the interviewee.. At the end of the interview, while the interviewee was still energetic, I was definitely exhausted with so many questions thrown around... I must admit, it was a different and a good experience for me. I wonder from where do the questions appear to be asked at the spur of a moment!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Restless

One of those days when I am absolutely restless.. I am not sure why I am restless. My mind is not at peace. I am fidgeting with everything around me. I am missing something. I am missing the talk - the need to have someone next to me. Am I missing anyone in particular?? I dont know. But I know for sure that there is a vacuum which needs to be filled. I am not sure how and who needs to do that..

I try to find peace in the work but it doesnt help. I tried going out for a short walk, but that didnt help. My mind is constantly pre-occupied by something whereas I try to divert my focus. I am not able to sit at my seat for a long time. I am talking unnecessary and useless talks with people around me. Nothing makes sense to me. Something is definitely wrong and I am not able to decipher what it is.

I did sleep properly.. I eat properly.. Infact I eat more than the usual these days. What is it that is bothering me and making me uneasy. I have no clue but this state is definitely not good... Its made me more irritable and I want this phase to end ASAP...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wrong

circumstances are wrong
the job that you are into is wrong
the boss calls you wrong
the team members call you wrong
the client calls you wrong
the colleagues call you wrong
smile, its wrong
cry, its wrong
call, its wrong
quiet, its wrong
go out, its wrong
visit friends, its wrong
spend time alone, its wrong
watch TV, its wrong
diet, its wrong
gain weight, its wrong
talk on the phone, its wrong
be aloof, its wrong
no attachments, its wrong
no desires, its wrong
no interests, its wrong
people around you call you wrong
you realize that your whole existence is WRONG
Why are you living after all!!!

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Life

exciting and boring
love and hate
adventurous and monotonous
experienced and new
predictable and mysterious
memories and forgetful
caring and cruel
smile and tears
crowded and lonely
light and dark
mountains and deep seas
spring and autumn
beautiful and ugly
giant and tiny
fragrant and smelling
friendly and stranger
musical and silent
spicy and bland
rocking and smooth
stormy and quiet
wise and silly

Thats how I can sum up the life till now....

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Finished eight years

of working on this planet on 4 Sep.. I know.. It seems like yesterday when a young girl of barely 22 years old, straight out of college from small city - Dehra Dun got a job in Pune.... How insecure, frightened and nervous she was... There was not even a single element of excitement in her.. All that she was worried about was: how will she manage alone in that big city.. She has never been out of house before... will she be able to work in such a big organization.. Will she be able to deliver what is expected out of her? What if she fails??

That was me... Eight years ago.. I remember how much I cried when I got the job and had to leave for Pune.. The whole idea of staying away from the family was too much for me at that time, considering the situation that was... I was sure that I will move to Pune only if my Mom moves in with me, otherwise I cant take up the job... I had my turbulent times.. Even when the whole software industry faced a recession in 2001, I managed to pull through with all my hard work and dedication.. All I could see at that time was work and my chance to prove my worth... I worked in day in day out, all night and the rewards did come through...

I have changed my job just once since 2000 and that was purely because of personal reason rather than a professional reason... These eight years have taught me a lot.. I have become much more confident, stronger, mature and to an extent wise... I traveled a lot, though they were all personal trips and now I can also say that I am quite well traveled. All thanks to the job that allowed me to fulfill this dream of mine. I managed to make some absolutely wonderful friends during this journey of eight years... I made mistakes both in my personal and professional life and learnt a lot from them...

Now when I look back, I think I did more than I had ever thought in my professional career. Never had I imagined that I will move out of Dehra Dun to take up the job of a software engineer (without any professional qualification) in an alien city like Pune... When I left Pune three years back, again I thought that I will not go back to the city again.. But as fate would have it, I did go to Pune last month, though for just few hours to meet a friend..

Eight years of my professional journey seems long to me... My life has changed so much.. Friends have changed.. People around me changed their attitude... In some way, my attitude towards life has also changed.. I actually dont want anything more now.. All I have in my life is this job and pressure to work more.. Nothing more... Nothing less.. I guess, my loneliness is taking over and coaxes me to run away from work more often...

Now I need a long break from work and think and decide what is next for me.. I have reached a stage where I dont want to work anymore, atleast for sometime. Sounds depressing, but thats how it is... I wish I had that choice but I dont!! Till then I shall continue working....