Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Lonely Birthday

Another year has passed. Am another year older. Am another year wiser(I think so). Am another year lonely. Am another year sad. Everyone wants to know what I did on my 29th birthday on 25 Nov. I have nothing to tell since I did nothing. I had a very quiet day with just my Mother at home. Didnt go out anywhere for a meal, fun, outing. Watched a movie - Umrao Jaan (starring Aishwarya Rai) and read a book. I dont find anything weird about it.. My birthdays are usually spent alone, quietly with hardly or no one around me. There shall be very few people who will call to wish me, if they remember. Its just another day for me. Sometimes I dont even remember that its my birthday till someone wishes me.

This day also there was nothing special. It had started with a tear when I was remembering what all I had lost and how it could have been avoided. It was almost 12 in the midnight when I got a sms and realised that the day has started. Dont even remember when I went to sleep thinking....

The only surprise that happened was when my school friend turned up in the evening with a big birthday cake for me. For a few moments, I lived and then it was all the same again. Nothing to look forward to... As the day had started, it ended in the same manner.. with a tear...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Name Sake

As usual, was having weekly meeting with the team. Lots of issues were being discussed. A few new processes were implemented. Made a few changes and guidelines were provided. While were in the middle of the conversation, I addressed one person by someone else' name... Damn!!! Suddenly everyone was staring. I realised that it has not gone un-noticed. There is no one by that name over here. Quickly I apologise and we continue with the meeting.

I believe it happens many times when at the back of your mind, we are constantly thinking about someone. I guess that the same thought over-powers us sometimes and we speak out the name unknowingly and unintentionally. It does lands us in an embarrassing situation. Situations like this are not in our control. There is a thought process going on all the time in our mind and we do get affected by it. I myself dont know how and why I happen to take that name. I agree to the fact that the name is always on my mind. Its something I cant forget, and I am ok with it...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Winter has set in..

Morning is cold. There is a slight chill in the air. There is a nip in the air and can feel the cold air hitting my body and making me shiver. I shrink while I work, wash, clean. Want to be near the toaster for a long time. Water is chilly and it feels like thousands of needles are piercing me when I try to put my hand in it. Sun has become mild. Warm rays of sun feel so good when I am out unlike in the month of May or June. Leaves have become golden, yellow, brown. Hardly see any flowers around me. People are trying to cover themselves from the chill air by sweaters, jackets, pullovers, jumpers, shawls, coats...

All the half-sleeves and sleeveless clothes are packed and warm clothes are out in the sun. They all smell of the napthalene balls which I dont like. Few things that I do like about winters are oranges, peanuts, basking in the sun, taking long walks wearing jackets and feel that chill air on my nose, warm boots, warm duvets, spending the evening next to fire lit in the fire place( we had that in our house in Dehra Dun), shaking hands with someone whose hands are warm(mine are always cold), holding a cup of hot coffee(even though I'll not drink it), gajar ka halwa, sleeping till late in the morning since the sun has not yet risen. Not writing about the dislikes since I dont want to..

Good-bye sweaty, sticky, hot summers.

Monday, November 20, 2006

She walks in beauty...

Since morning this poem is in my mind, so thought of putting it here. This was one of my favourite poem when I was in school. A beautiful description of a beautiful lady.


SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

- Lord Byron

Thinking

For the past few days I am stuck on one page of the book I am currently reading - Husbands by Adele Parks. Every time I open the book to read it, my eyes are on it but am not reading. I am just seeing the words, alphabets, sentences, paragraphs but am not reading it. My mind is wandering somewhere else.

All the time I am thinking about my past - recent one, old one and very old one. Am thinking what all I should have done, what all I should not have done, what all I should do. If I had done anything differently or different, would the situation have been better? May be, yes!!! It is also possible that I may have been in a better situation. I also realised there are many situations where possibly I couldn't have done much to improve them. Either they were not in my hands or they were destined. Pessimistic as I may sound but the truth is that I am realistic. Its easy to talk rather than do it.

I think I think too much.. But I am fine with it... I do it for myself and I am happy with it....

Friday, November 17, 2006

Happiness

Am just trying to figure out who is happy and what makes them happy? Is it when the person is with his beloved. Is it when the person has all the money to buy anything in the world. Is it when the person has the job that he always wanted to have. Is it when the person has his dream machine. Is it when the person doesnt have to worry what will happen in the future. Is it when the person is not answerable to anyone for his acts. Is it when the person has the most loving family. Is it when the person goes out, parties, has fun with his friends. There are many more probablilities like these.

What I have understood is that I need to be content from inside. If I am not content from inside, I can never be happy. My mind should be at peace. My heart should be at peace. My soul should be at peace. Its my state of mind. If I chose to be unhappy then I shall always remain unhappy, no matter what happens. Life is never a cake walk for anyone in this world, be it the President of US or a common man living on the streets. I need to find happiness in myself and around me. Why sulk for tomorrow when I can live today. This aptly reminds me of the the title track of the movie: Kal Ho Na Ho!!!

Computer Class Revisited

A couple of days back I got a call. The person introduced himself as Sanjeev. I was wondering who this Sanjeev is?(Till now I had known only one Sanjeev and that was my computer instructor 8 years back). I just asked casually whether he is Sanjeev Sir? and yes!!! It was him only... I was actually out of words for few moments. Had never thought that my instructor would call me and that also after so many years.

It was such a pleasure talking to him. I remember how he used to scold me the most since I was the youngest one in the batch and probably in the whole centre as well. All the students in the computer centre were either graduates or were on the verge of completing it. And there I was - just out of 12th. He gave me the toughest of programs to write, the longest of exercises to do, but I enjoyed that. All this made sure that I scored the highest marks in all the tests. There is something nice about him. Now to think of it, it was actually a crush. I always used to wait for his class to start. I also have this feeling that he was aware of it. Such a kid I was!! He had a very good method of teaching and his explanations were superb. It's all because of him that I am in this software industry. Had he not given me those complex programs to write and helped me hone my skills, I dont think I would have been here. I have outgrown the feelings that I had, but my respect for him still remains and shall always be.

The good part is that now we can be in touch. Thanks to the growing technology: emails are the easiest way and everyone uses them now. Thanks for calling, Sir!!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Feedback

Sometimes I wonder whether feedbacks are really that important. Does it not mean that others wants us to live our lives, the way they want? If I am not performing/acting the others expect me to, does it make me any less than others. How is it affecting anyone's lives with what I do?? Am I not supposed to do what I want do?? Will others keep on telling me for the rest of my lives about my actions. How can others judge all the time whether what I do is right or wrong? Feedbacks are good till some point of time. But not always. The other person may say against you out of personal grudge and because he actually means it. Also it is not necessary that what others are saying is always right. Probably we need to provide them with the feedback as to what they say and what it means. Why should we make our lives miserable just because somebody doesnt think good about us. Its his/her problem if they are hell bount on just finding the faults.

Keep your USELESS feedback with yourself and let others live peacefully.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sleepless Nights

For the past one week, I am trying to sleep but sleep also seems to elude me... I want to sleep but I cannot. My eyelids are heavy but the moment I try to sleep, I cannot. My mind is not at rest... It is constantly thinking.. It is trying to look for solutions. My eyes are closed but am not sleeping. I want to drift into deep and peaceful slumber but its almost impossible to do it. I want to rest. My mind needs to rest but there is nothing to put me to sleep at the moment.

The moment I close my eyes, I start to think. I want to change everything that has happened. The situation seems to have got into my head and it refuses to come out. Or I am not able to get it out of my head. I want to divert my attention but it doesnt happen. The only solution I thought to make myself at peace is to sleep. I forgot that sometimes nothing works according to your wish. My basic necessity of sleep is not fulfilled. Am I being harsh to myself or is it life?

Friday, November 03, 2006

Rejected and Dejected

Thats what my current state of mind is. I may sound like a total sad person but I cant help it. Thats what and how I am right now. Accepting a rejection at this point of time in life needs lot of endurance which I dont have. I am losing day by day and there seems to be no end to it. I have no interest left. I have nothing to look forward to. I have no one to yearn for. I am completely out of this life. Had it been for once, I would have accepted it and moved on. But it cannot happen everytime. Why does my destiny has to be against me everytime? The dejection has come only due to the rejection. It seems as if life has decided to reject me and pull me down when I try to come up.. I fall, I get up and start walking again thinking that atleast this time I will reach my destination. But, No!!! Life has decided to make me fall and everytime the fall is bigger than the previous one. First it gives me hope, and when I start believing it, it just takes away everything and am left alone.

I hate it!! I hate it!! I hate it!!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Lonely in a crowd

Sitting in a crowd and yet feeling lonely.. You know the people sitting around you, still you are alone... You know what they are talking about, still you are alone.... Well, thats what I feel off lately... My mind is wandering somewhere else whereas my body is here.. I dont feel a part of it even though I am present there. People try their best to include me in their conversation but still I feel left out. When they start walking, everyone has a partner and I am left alone, walking alone, at the end...

I have not shut my mind to anything... Its just that my brain is continuously looking for something... Maybe it is all because of my present state of mind.. Nothing interests me and I dont even feel like taking interest in anything. Just want to be alone and analyse where did I go wrong. What could I have done to avoid this situation. It just goes back to the same situation. I am not able to accept the fact and this has got into my head.